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Old 05-16-2010, 08:49 PM
 
Location: Syracuse IS Central New York.
8,516 posts, read 4,243,858 times
Reputation: 4059

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Sorry you had to learn such a long, painful lessons.

There were SO MANY Red Flags here that I couldn't even count them. Summarized: First, He's a PA-Perpetual Adolescent who is extremely irresponsible for a 43 year old MAN. Second, he is a LIAR.

I'm trying to recall if he was the one who "accidentally" let Little Moo out. Just one more thing.

You deserve a much better life than one with him, the original Drama King. Stay strong, and do not allow him to crawl back into your life for what ever pathetic reason he may give you. It will only be a lie anyways.

Hugs to you and your kitties.
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Old 05-16-2010, 10:00 PM
 
Location: I'm not lost, I'm exploring!
3,402 posts, read 12,784,626 times
Reputation: 5760
Yes, he was the one that let Little Moo out - he thought it would be fun to hold her outside in the back while he was smoking. In the middle of the night. After knocking back a few beers.

That may not be when all of our problems started, but that sure set off the ones that I was having more problems overlooking.

And to spinx, yes - that was one of my older posts that's probably buried by now. Seems to always be a hot topic around here, and everyone will have their own preferences. So what may have been a red flag to me with that, may not necessarily have been one to others. But I'm fairly sure that hiding your stash of "18yearold @ss fantasy porn" when you're 43, and jacking off to it on my computer, getting caught/smoothing it over, then hiding it again, then getting caught AGAIN, is something that I won't compromise with in the future. It's not his fault that my previous ex graduated from online porn, to doing it on webcam with someone that gradually built into an affair- but that doesn't mean I still can't draw the line with what I'm comfortable with or not. TMI there, unless you read my other post that spinx linked, you'd be lost right now, I know.

I know there's 3 sides to every story - I keep re-reading my original post to make sure it presents as clear a picture as possible, cause I had to re-write and edit a lot of senseless angry rambling that was unnecessary.

Thankyou for the honest responses, all. I almost had to laugh when I was crying on the shoulder of my friend at work. She sounded like a recording of exactly the speech I would be giving myself, if I were her. It's so much clearer when you're pointing from the sidelines, rather than getting bloodied up in the battle on field. She knows it. I know it. It still doesn't make me any less conflicted when he left me a voicemail this morning, saying that he loves me, he misses me, but I'm too controlling, and he won't let me control his life, and we have "a few things we need to talk about". I have no immediate inclination to call him back, but that doesn't mean I'm prepared for how to handle him if he approaches me at work in the evening on my other job.

I keep thinking (to try to cheer myself up and slap myself out of self pity) how great it would be to have someone waiting for me, that loved me! didn't lie to me! didn't act annoyed with me! that could pay for his own movie! that might even offer to pay for mine! that couldn't wait to spend more time with me! .....And that works for all of about 5 seconds. They're not exactly lining the blocks to wait in line to meet me.

And before you beat me to it, I know. Don't just stay with someone because you don't want to be alone. I happened to love being alone before this all happened. The best part of my day was being left alone with my thoughts, on how wonderful my life was, and how full of expectations it was, whether they were dreams of the perfect guy eventually coming along, the perfect sunset I happened to catch, the perfect bubblebath waiting when I got home, or the perfect meatball sub I was going to pick up on the way.
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Old 05-17-2010, 09:04 AM
 
Location: a primitive state
10,674 posts, read 22,135,239 times
Reputation: 15140
I was going to rep you, but can't.

Let's just say better late than never. You're not stupid, even though there were plenty of red flags. I understand how this may have progressed, incrementally, with plenty of good times in between the warning signs.

You've done the right thing. You will be able to pick up the pieces and move on. Don't look back. Don't second-guess yourself. Keep your head up and feel happy that you're headed in the right direction. Go Kitten!
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Old 05-17-2010, 10:30 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
17,635 posts, read 37,302,675 times
Reputation: 17512
That's a LOT of red flags there. Between the son, the ex calling AND the trail of unpaid bills from CA pursuing him, I'd have dumped him sooner. Well at least you gave the relationship your best shot. Now promise us that you'll never see him again.

And don't let him guilt you again about moving from CA to be with you. You were the one doing him a huge favour by giving him a place to stay far away from his troubles.

Big hugs,
miu
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Old 05-17-2010, 12:56 PM
 
Location: Homeless
1,203 posts, read 1,862,458 times
Reputation: 511
At least you sent him packing before he caused you any more issues.
Going through what you did must have been horrendous.
But it could have been much worse.
You seemed to have learned to be more vigilant.
And protect yourself in the future.
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Old 05-17-2010, 01:30 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
6,777 posts, read 12,622,314 times
Reputation: 6546
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marylandkitten View Post

I woke up (on the only day I have to sleep in past 5am), to an incoming text message. It’s really bothersome that I haven’t been able to get back to sleep since. It was from that number. From Kat his bartender. All it said was, “Thank you”.
You should be thanking HER. If she wants him let her have at it. He's a joke.

P.S. I remember your thread on the cat board when he let your cat get loose in the snow and she was gone for weeks. I REALLY don't like him now.
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Old 05-23-2010, 12:10 PM
 
Location: In a cat house! ;)
1,744 posts, read 4,990,917 times
Reputation: 2255
Glad you got out ALIVE. The whole situation is el-stinko, but it could have been worse. There are a lot of crazies out there.
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Old 05-23-2010, 12:15 PM
 
Location: Beautiful New England
2,412 posts, read 6,791,912 times
Reputation: 3067
Quote:
Originally Posted by Onglet39 View Post
A 43 year old man who doesn't have his stuff together is a loser...
This is the correct answer.
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Old 05-23-2010, 01:26 PM
 
Location: I'm not lost, I'm exploring!
3,402 posts, read 12,784,626 times
Reputation: 5760
I tend to feel sorry for the losers, and more protective - rather than stick my chin up and "think I deserve better". Maybe I don't. Maybe I'm a loser in some people's eyes. Who the hell am I to judge other people?

Every night that I work my second job at the shop (where the last battle took place), I go home in absolute tears. It's been an even week, since we have had any communication. And every night that he doesn't call, and I fight to remind myself that I shouldn't be waiting for him to.. is fine. But the nights that I work the shop, I crumble under the depression, because in my mind, if he loved me enough - if he cared enough to want to fix any of this.. he knows where I work. He knows when I'm there. I'm fairly confident that he would stop by when I'm there by myself in the late evening if he had any inkling to salvage any of this. - and then I go back to fighting to remind myself that I shouldn't be waiting for him to, or wanting to. But the simple reminder that he doesn't, or isn't, just rings painfully loud and clear when I shut off the lights and lock up and head home at night.

I know I'm not ready to talk to him constructively yet, because there are times that I can't even think about him without crying. Then there are times where I'm so angry that I want to scream and smash things, then there are waves of absolutely crushing guilt. An all-around wreck of emotions if you ask me.

I packed up a few stray things of his that I found when cleaning out over the weekend. I'm half tempted to load them up in a box and drop them off at his doorstep of his house and just leave quietly. I was in tears going through them, because all of the past memories of the last 2 years were very stinging reminders of what I don't have anymore. I can't help but wonder how he would react if he went through them. I guess I would feel better about not knowing how to feel, if I knew how he felt. But as other posters have said as well, I'm sure this is just one of many things that I don't know the whole story on, and may never. And how do you move on from something like that?

It's like a horribly sad movie that never ends. There is no closure. It just keeps playing, keeps you on the edge of the bed, crying into your pillow, and keeps you in this tightly-wound ball of emotion without a break.
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Old 05-23-2010, 01:49 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,366 posts, read 13,777,990 times
Reputation: 10353
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marylandkitten View Post
I tend to feel sorry for the losers, and more protective - rather than stick my chin up and "think I deserve better". Maybe I don't. Maybe I'm a loser in some people's eyes. Who the hell am I to judge other people?
No, this makes you a loser-magnet (aka sucker in their eyes) and they can spot you a mile away. That is why he moved across the country to be with you.

Setting minimum standards for the people you are willing to date and/or interact with isn't a matter of judging people. It is a matter of respecting yourself. For instance I will not date someone who isn't financially stable. Period, no ifs ands or buts... I don't have to actively "judge" those who aren't, but they are indeed not for me.

As long as tell yourself, "maybe I don't deserve better" you will never get anything better. You owe it to yourself to have standards so that when something better comes along you will be ready for it.
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