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Hi there. for the past few mths my bf has been doubting my feelings for him and his suspicions are right. I always reassure him everything is fine but I am holding my feelings back because I am unsure and afraid.
We have had a good run of 6 years, and even though I am certain I love him, maybe even still in love with him, it's not enough anymore. Things just aren't working. We've grown apart and aren't getting on. We live almost separate lives and every little thing I say he takes as an attack, and vice versa. It's gotten way too hard and the bad is starting to outweigh the good.
I want to break it off because I am unhappy but I am scared of what he'll say... you lied to me, I knew it etcetera. I can't deal with that torture. We live together at his place and if I know his nasty agressive (verbal only) streak I know he'll make life hell for me and I will be a mess, physically and mentally. He will make me feel like I am deserving of everything I get. He'll make me pay for it. He has no sympathy/compassion/understanding when he's been hurt and he turns into a monster. He scares me. What can I do? How can I get through this without feeling like the worst person in the world, which it will be his aim to make me feel like? For the past 6 years he has made me feel like he's the only one who really cares for me and I will feel like I have no-one.
I know it was terribly wrong of me to be dishonest about my feelings, but I am just so messed up. I don't want to involve anyone else in this.
You have just cited the reason that people just one day are gone. There is no need for you to justify wanting to avoid his temper. Make a plan. carry it out and talk it out when you are ready in a public place if you want. Heck you can even leave him a detailed letter if you want. Take good care of yourself.
OK, you've already involved others when you post a plea for help. What I would do if I were in that situation is: I would rent an apartment I could afford. I would move stuff out of his house into the apartment, stuff that won't be missed. If you don't have a lot of stuff, this won't be a problem, but after living there for 6 years, you have probably accumulated a bunch of stuff. When the time is right tell him you want to talk. Tell him you are sorry you lied to him, but you want to leave and go your separate ways. The reason you lied to him was probably because you were trying to work out in your head just what you wanted to do. Tell him you still love him, if you do, just be honest and don't lie anymore. It's an entirely different matter if you think he might get so angry he assaults you. If you are afraid of that happening, move all of your stuff out when he is not home and get help from two friends who will stand by while you talk to him.
... I will be a mess, physically and mentally. He will make me feel like I am deserving of everything I get. He'll make me pay for it. He has no sympathy/compassion/understanding when he's been hurt and he turns into a monster. He scares me. What can I do?
Hello TT!
What can you do? Read what you have written and start to laugh. By letting go of your supposed reaction you now can sit down and write a better scenario for what will happen.
A suggestion:
"I will not be a mess no matter what he says because if he attacks me it just confirms my feelings about leaving him. Physically? I feel great to get this monkey off my back and out of my life. Mentally? Heck my mind can imagine a whole lot worse situations than this to have to live through, do not make me laugh that this guy can have any effect on me after I get my life back and am free from his influence. After all, he has no sympathy/compassion/understanding, why should he get any from me?"
Once you have written yourself a more positive outcome for the situation than you can free yourself from the fear. Unless there is potential for more than verbal abuse, what have you to accept a miserable view of yourself? Words, unlike actions, are ephemeral and fade soon after spoken. You just have to roll with any that are said and the next day forget them. Make your reality what you want it to be.
Hi there. for the past few mths my bf has been doubting my feelings for him and his suspicions are right. I always reassure him everything is fine but I am holding my feelings back because I am unsure and afraid.
We have had a good run of 6 years, and even though I am certain I love him, maybe even still in love with him, it's not enough anymore. Things just aren't working. We've grown apart and aren't getting on. We live almost separate lives and every little thing I say he takes as an attack, and vice versa. It's gotten way too hard and the bad is starting to outweigh the good.
I want to break it off because I am unhappy but I am scared of what he'll say... you lied to me, I knew it etcetera. I can't deal with that torture. We live together at his place and if I know his nasty agressive (verbal only) streak I know he'll make life hell for me and I will be a mess, physically and mentally. He will make me feel like I am deserving of everything I get. He'll make me pay for it. He has no sympathy/compassion/understanding when he's been hurt and he turns into a monster. He scares me. What can I do? How can I get through this without feeling like the worst person in the world, which it will be his aim to make me feel like? For the past 6 years he has made me feel like he's the only one who really cares for me and I will feel like I have no-one.
I know it was terribly wrong of me to be dishonest about my feelings, but I am just so messed up. I don't want to involve anyone else in this.
First off, the man may think he knows what love is, but if he really "loved" you he wouldn't make you feel guilty for telling him the truth. He would want you to be happy no matter if you left if it was "real" love. Of coarse he can be mad and miss you, but to throw it in your face is not love.
Your BF is not in love with you. He is in love with the thought of poccessing and controlling another persons emotions. He is holding you as an emotional hostage.
Time to get away and find someone who loves you for yourself instead of putting up with being a crutch to support his self serving ego and lack of confidence.
He wants to OWN you. Don't ever let anyone treat you like an item instead of a loved and equal companion.
There is no easy way out of a relationship. Someone always gets hurt.
How much control over your life is he going to have once you break it off? You know that you are putting off the inevitable, and the longer you wait the harder it's going to get. Are you waiting for him to be the one to break if off to make it easier on yourself? It's probably not going to happen. He's controlled and manipulated you for 6 years and he clearly has the upper hand. You need to make your move in one bold step, like tearing off a band-aid, rip it off fast. It'll hurt like hell for a couple of seconds, but the alternative is to peel it off slowly and endure minutes of pain rather than mere seconds. Right now, you're peeling him off slowly and subjecting yourself to months and years of pain, rather then cutting him out all at once and enduring the days or weeks of discomfort. Make a clean break and carve him out of your life completely.
Make arrangements to move out. Perhaps you have not been honest with him. Still you describe a relationship that is terrible - for whatever the reason. Yes, to break it off will be bad - he will be upset, etc. So, it's time to woman up! Make the arrangements you need to make. Tell him you are leaving -- then leave (that day). Don't engage in discourse about who did / didn't do what. Simply tell him that the realationship is not working, you are not happy and you are sure he is not happy. Wish him well - Then, with as much grace as you can muster - leave. Do your best not to make your last contact a nasty fight. Years later you will look back and regret any drama that could have been avoided. Breaking up is hard to do - but try to do it with as much grace and class as you can. Never be petty.
Best wishes to you.
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