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Old 05-26-2010, 11:54 AM
 
2,385 posts, read 4,326,976 times
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I would love to hear others' thoughts on this.

Long story short, I had a pretty tumultous childhood. One of my parent's died, I lived in foster care for a short while, stuff like that. Now that I'm an adult, I have rigid labels for "problems that are important" and "problems that aren't important". Anything to do with your health, job, place of residence and income can be life are death issues and stressing about them is normal and ok. Anything not it that category should be nothing to really stress over, though it's normal to worry about little things once in a while.

My fiance has never had to go through anything "hard" in his life except for his dad's passing when my fiance was an adult. His parents were happily married, his father paid for everything, house, college, clothes, etc. Once my fiance graduated college, he went right into a software development job where he makes a ton of money. He's never really had anything bad happen to him.

My boyfriend is a musician, and this is where his passion lies. He literally comes home from work Monday thru Thursday and goes straight into his studio, only emerging to help make and eat dinner, and then I don't see him again until it's time to go to bed. I'm fine with that.

So what's the problem?

The problem is he gets stressed out over the smallest things and I just can't relate to him at all.

Example: he gets SO stressed out if he doesn't get the gigs he wants, or if he feels his friends or people younger than him are "achieveing" more than he is musically. He went to get stickers printed for this huge festival he's playing at, but they might not be printed in time, and he's been sulking all week about it. He get SO upset, you would think he had a major illness or something the way he pouts. It takes time away from us. He's not the same person when he's upset like this, he won't talk, or respond to me or share anything with me. He closes up like a clam. He's not playful or funny or any of the awesome things that I love about him.

So what do I do? Am I being selfish and expecting too much? Or should he try to get over these non-life threatening issues and stop being so stressed out about it.

I've tried to talk to him, but he repeatedly states that I "don't understand" and he's right. I don't understand how he can get so worked up over things that aren't really that threatening. Honestly, I think he's being immature.

What do you all think?
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Old 05-26-2010, 12:10 PM
 
10,875 posts, read 13,789,072 times
Reputation: 4896
I think you've pretty much figured it out. Most people from good / untroubled upbringings seem more inclined to make huge deals out of minor issues, as in their eyes it is huge. I doubt there is really anything you can do about it besides maybe call him a diva and a drama queen
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Old 05-26-2010, 12:12 PM
 
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 19,978,134 times
Reputation: 9417
Quote:
Originally Posted by Violett View Post
I would love to hear others' thoughts on this.

Long story short, I had a pretty tumultous childhood. One of my parent's died, I lived in foster care for a short while, stuff like that. Now that I'm an adult, I have rigid labels for "problems that are important" and "problems that aren't important". Anything to do with your health, job, place of residence and income can be life are death issues and stressing about them is normal and ok. Anything not it that category should be nothing to really stress over, though it's normal to worry about little things once in a while.

My fiance has never had to go through anything "hard" in his life except for his dad's passing when my fiance was an adult. His parents were happily married, his father paid for everything, house, college, clothes, etc. Once my fiance graduated college, he went right into a software development job where he makes a ton of money. He's never really had anything bad happen to him.

My boyfriend is a musician, and this is where his passion lies. He literally comes home from work Monday thru Thursday and goes straight into his studio, only emerging to help make and eat dinner, and then I don't see him again until it's time to go to bed. I'm fine with that.

So what's the problem?

The problem is he gets stressed out over the smallest things and I just can't relate to him at all.

Example: he gets SO stressed out if he doesn't get the gigs he wants, or if he feels his friends or people younger than him are "achieveing" more than he is musically. He went to get stickers printed for this huge festival he's playing at, but they might not be printed in time, and he's been sulking all week about it. He get SO upset, you would think he had a major illness or something the way he pouts. It takes time away from us. He's not the same person when he's upset like this, he won't talk, or respond to me or share anything with me. He closes up like a clam. He's not playful or funny or any of the awesome things that I love about him.

So what do I do? Am I being selfish and expecting too much? Or should he try to get over these non-life threatening issues and stop being so stressed out about it.

I've tried to talk to him, but he repeatedly states that I "don't understand" and he's right. I don't understand how he can get so worked up over things that aren't really that threatening. Honestly, I think he's being immature.

What do you all think?
But that is another aspect of his personality, of who he is. We often outgrow that at some point but my concern is if you have to ask if you should marry, you probably shouldn't. There shouldn't be this much doubt. But, on the other hand, I don't think one has to be able to relate to another's situation in order to be understanding, compassionate, supportive and patient.
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Old 05-26-2010, 12:16 PM
 
9,408 posts, read 13,715,991 times
Reputation: 20394
I'm sorry, he sounds like a spoiled brat. Hopefully he'll grow out it eventually and learn not to sweat the small stuff.
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Old 05-26-2010, 12:31 PM
 
769 posts, read 1,011,804 times
Reputation: 473
Yeah he does sound like a man-boy, seriously sulking all week?
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Old 05-26-2010, 12:34 PM
 
Location: Eastern Washington
17,158 posts, read 56,905,862 times
Reputation: 18462
You can dump him now for free. If you marry him it won't be free.

Musicians and actors - a very few of them hit it big, this requires LUCK as well as talent - there are plenty of very good bands playing in Holiday Inn bars for peanuts - the rest of them tend to be "financially challenged". If you are OK with that, fine, but I would not be.
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Old 05-26-2010, 12:42 PM
 
8,411 posts, read 39,215,832 times
Reputation: 6366
How many years has been playing? Thats kinda teenish to react like that over such small issues. If you don't get a person is different that you in some ways, you are not ready for marriage yourself. There are going to be things that are annoying in LTR. I would just stay dating and see how insane it drives you. Imagine that going on for 50 more years. Then make your choice.
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Old 05-26-2010, 12:49 PM
 
36,226 posts, read 30,671,050 times
Reputation: 32504
This is probably something you two should try to work on before you do get married. If you are having trouble with this now it will only get worse later.

What you describe is one thing that I grew to really dislike about my ex. He would freak out over minonr stuff like buying christmas gifts or getting lost. His mood would change and he would pout like a child or pace back and forth in a state of aggitation. Their state of mind and actions will effect you as well.

My SIL worries about and makes a big deal about everything from where is her oldests sons blue and white shirt, to what if someone breaks in the house in the middle of the night to what so and so might think about whatever. She will wake my brother up in the middle of the night going on and on about such nonsense.


I dont know if it is so much being immature as some "disorder".
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Old 05-26-2010, 01:04 PM
 
4,344 posts, read 5,785,279 times
Reputation: 2465
I dont want you to take this the wrong way, but if your asking if you should still get married or not, then why keep entertaining the idea? If your questioning your relationship with him now, your going to when you get married. If you truely want it to work out, have a heart to heart with him. If he doesnt take it seriously, maybe its not the right relationship for you.
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Old 05-26-2010, 01:18 PM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,012 posts, read 29,665,791 times
Reputation: 11309
Quote:
Originally Posted by Violett View Post
My fiance has never had to go through anything "hard" in his life except for his dad's passing when my fiance was an adult. His parents were happily married, his father paid for everything, house, college, clothes, etc. Once my fiance graduated college, he went right into a software development job where he makes a ton of money. He's never really had anything bad happen to him.
I'm kind of awestruck that every point in that paragraph is a mirror image of my very own life

My friends think I'm always on a competitive streak. So I can relate to your finance in that he likes to be an achiever. I can tell he is never satisfied with the amount of money he makes and always wants more. He looks around himself and consider himself 3 notches above the men around him.

That won't change. But it's only a problem when he brings that "ego" on to you. I personally leave my ego in the office. It's locked in the safe, waiting to be reopened the next morning. I never let it raise its ugly head when the girlfriend is around
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