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Well I asked my husband tonight out of sheer curiousity and he agreed with me on how we would manage our finances. He also doesn't think he should be entitled to have luxury items even if we do have money for it, regardless of who earned it. So I guess it's a moot point since we both have the same values. Also we took care of each emotionally during our education, so it is equal.
Good that you and your husband are in agreement.
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Originally Posted by miyu
Until I actually start looking down on people who don't deserve it, I will be pretty satisfied with my righteousness.
Pride goeth before a fall
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Originally Posted by miyu
I am also highly aware of the dangers of money and what it can do to your soul so I'm always on guard not to become a controlling person. You seem to look down on women who would like an equal and financially responsible partner as somebody who seeks control. I completely disagree that it is a control issue. You also realize that people can also control others emotionally, physically. Not just financially. You don't need to be rich to be a control freak.
Once you set yourself up as the arbiter of whats right it is hard not to be a controller. As for looking down on women who want an equal and financially responsible partner, no I can see that as not being unfair. It becomes control when you set the terms of what equal is.
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Originally Posted by miyu
I hope that you are buying your poor female friends some nice things. It seems like you enjoy being a dominant male, which I am sure some women don't mind.
I admit to being a dominate male. In the sense I will not put up with much foolishness. However I seek to win my point by reason or compromise rather than control.
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Originally Posted by miyu
I plan to use my money to create a legacy. I know I can't take it with me. But that's really no reason to spend it randomly or to support a useless consumer culture.
Legacy? Going to fund your College in having a School of Women studies? Whatever floats your boat. Seems random to me on spending your money but it is yours to use. Oh wait, did you not have a husband that might have a different view and want to spend the Families money on establishing a Wildlife preserve in Pittsburgh?
Wow. This...*sigh* This is why this thread exists in the first place. This yours and mine mentality. Why can't it be everyone bringing in their share to the marriage and it's everyone's money, everyone's house, everyone's kids, everyone's dog, everyone's household chores/responsibilities (though men historically and even today fall short here)...?
I am the one bringing in 6 to 10 times the money and I wouldn't buy a luxury item without discussing it with my spouse. In fact, my spouse is usually the one telling me to treat myself. Similarly, just because my spouse makes less money does not mean I don't have to clean the house, take care of the family, etc.
You know, we all have a common goal here...happy, healthy, successful families. But if we're all too busy playing 'yours, mine, and ours,' you'll never get there.
My parents have left their paid off home to me when they pass away. The house is not left in my husband's name as well so it is mine. Will I use the proceeds of the house sale to benefit both of us? Sure, we'll decide together but the money is still mine. My parents worked hard for paying off the house so I could benefit from it and make a responsible decision.
To play "yours, mine and ours" is very easy in our household and money that we've earned is pooled together since our incomes are give or take a few thousand dollars a year in difference.
My parents have left their paid off home to me when they pass away. The house is not left in my husband's name as well so it is mine. Will I use the proceeds of the house sale to benefit both of us? Sure, we'll decide together but the money is still mine. My parents worked hard for paying off the house so I could benefit from it and make a responsible decision.
To play "yours, mine and ours" is very easy in our household and money that we've earned is pooled together since our incomes are give or take a few thousand dollars a year in difference.
Totally agree the parents home left to you is yours. Nice that you wish to share with your spouse. Since it is not required that you do, but do anyway, that shows you are not just about control.
And your spouse ... what will she do for money, now that you are not alive and working? Or is the Smith & Wesson a package deal?
Good question. Since Smith & Wesson is your alternative to retirement planning, and you encouraged your partner to not work, when you take yourself out what is she supposed to do? You'll be dead and she'll have zero income/work skills.
Yes, I did make assumptions from what you had posted. I think I am right based on your response. I stand by my post on pity for your husband. And if you do not like be categorized in that fashion than do not be a materialistic/ me first person. Heck, buy your husband the Porsche (If he really wants one) when you are doing great financially. What is the purpose of being married if you do not want to make the other happy?
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Most men are intimidated more by a woman's spendng.
It is amusing reading threads on this topic in that when it is a high earning male and he lavishes his non or low earning wife with flashy cars etc. or she is out spending, spending "his" money on unnecessary items for herself she is often labeled a gold digger. Yet when it is the wife that is a high income earner, she is labeled materialistic and selfish for not indulging her husband with luxuries and he is not viewed as a gold digger but with pity and entitlement of unnecessary things.
IF such marriages end in divorce, will certain men say he is a gold digger that took her house and half her stuff or in a reverse situation will it then be seen as “their†house and stuff.
My parents have left their paid off home to me when they pass away. The house is not left in my husband's name as well so it is mine. Will I use the proceeds of the house sale to benefit both of us? Sure, we'll decide together but the money is still mine. My parents worked hard for paying off the house so I could benefit from it and make a responsible decision.
To play "yours, mine and ours" is very easy in our household and money that we've earned is pooled together since our incomes are give or take a few thousand dollars a year in difference.
That was a gift from your parents, although our parents (and my in-laws) are always specific with their gifts and say, "This is for BOTH of y'all."
IF such marriages end in divorce, will certain men say he is a gold digger that took her house and half her stuff or in a reverse situation will it then be seen as “their†house and stuff.
Equivalent situations would bring equivalent judgments. So if a guy shacks up with a women just for her money (plenty males take advantage of lonely/vulnerable females) then he is no better than the women who shacks up with a man for only the materialistic things.
Different topic than this one.
By the by, justifying individual bad behavior based on some historical grievance such as how the genders may have treated each other in the past is a rationalization. Each of us are responsible for our own acts.
Good that you and your husband are in agreement.
Pride goeth before a fall Once you set yourself up as the arbiter of whats right it is hard not to be a controller. As for looking down on women who want an equal and financially responsible partner, no I can see that as not being unfair. It becomes control when you set the terms of what equal is.
I admit to being a dominate male. In the sense I will not put up with much foolishness. However I seek to win my point by reason or compromise rather than control.
Legacy? Going to fund your College in having a School of Women studies? Whatever floats your boat. Seems random to me on spending your money but it is yours to use. Oh wait, did you not have a husband that might have a different view and want to spend the Families money on establishing a Wildlife preserve in Pittsburgh?
Uh... being satisfied with my views has nothing to do with pride. Even so, each person is also entitled to being proud of who they are. There is nothing wrong with that.
Ummm.. when did I say that my husband won't be allowed to share in the decision making process in how our money is spent? I just stated that I have certain luxury items that are off limits because they are high-end, unnecessary luxury items. And here is a newsflash - I am neither dominant nor controlling. I just have LIMITS.
You are telling me that I'm selfish and controlling because I attempt to utilize my value system. According to you, I must:
1) Make all the money.
2) Do all the housework.
3) Buy husband whatever he wants whenever he wants. (Not that he would even want anything to begin with since he actually has common sense.)
4) Not have any say in what I think is off limits for our household budget.
5) If he ends up becoming a lazy freeloader in the future, I should just let him be happy doing what he wants to do, at the expense of the household and myself. (this is determined from your comments on another thread).
Otherwise I am controlling. That just makes no sense.
So you admit to being a dominant male and "winning your point by reason or compromise" than control. Can't I be another person, albeit female, who wins my point by the use of reason? After all, it stands to reason that buying stupid luxury crap is totally unreasonable.
My husband is neither "controllable" or easily manipulated. Otherwise I would not have married him.
But the truth is, even if a woman wanted full control of finances because she earned all the money, SHE CAN. That is absolutely her right. This is why prenups exist. Thank God Sandra Bullock had one.
You are telling me that I'm selfish and controlling because I attempt to utilize my value system. According to you, I must:
1) Make all the money.
2) Do all the housework.
3) Buy husband whatever he wants whenever he wants. (Not that he would even want anything to begin with since he actually has common sense.)
4) Not have any say in what I think is off limits for our household budget.
5) If he ends up becoming a lazy freeloader in the future, I should just let him be happy doing what he wants to do, at the expense of the household and myself. (this is determined from your comments on another thread).
Nice try at a redirect. By doing so you try to take the view away from your usage of "my money" for your "Legacy". Since I never made any of the false statements above I will not answer for them. Since you are unable to see from your first post all the "me" statements you made (or simply unwilling) any further discussion is worthless.
But what the hey, it is your life. My pity for your husband only has increased from reading your posts. Hope you are different in real life when it comes to how becoming financially successful works out for you and him.
Semantics... what is mine is his, and vice versa. I've taken on his debts as mine as well, so you take the good and the bad. I also never said "my legacy"... It's just understood that it would be "our legacy". All of your arguments have based on assumption and false statements from the get-go (plenty of proof in what you have written), so this whole back and forth is pretty useless. Though you are entitled to your opionions, I still think you are pretty brash to tell people that they will fail in marriage when you have already made so many mistakes in your previous posts. LOL. Good day!
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