ADVICE PLEASE - Girlfriend broke up with me after 4.5 years (women, love)

[STT Resident]

I've no desire to minimize your pain or rub in that you're not alone in having gone through something like this but you might want to read this very long recent thread to get some perspective:

//www.city-data.com/forum/relat...ed-advice.html

I think the poster also created some earlier connecting threads but the whole scenario sounds remarkably similar to yours and may help you understand and come to terms with what's going on. Good luck!

[teaner]

Originally Posted by redjan1225

I tend to think if she really were a "genuine" person, she wouldn't do these "uncharacteristic" things without explanation. She would be honest with you and communicate with you better.

very true and i couldn't agree with you anymore. but we had lost all communication for about the last year of our relationship. we lost everything that we were raised on. we both came from very loving and religous families. we shared a lot of common interests and thats what attracted me to her. we both had big hearts. sure we had some differences and issues, but what couple doesnt. instead of trying to work on them, i feel she just gave up and ran away from reality. so perhaps the loss of communication is what pushed her away. i will never know the truth as she can't be trusted anymore.

[JustJulia]

Could the "drama" during your ski trip have anything to do with it? You skimmed over that, but things seemed to rapidly deteriorate after that. That was the impression I got, at least.

[teaner]

Originally Posted by STT Resident

I've no desire to minimize your pain or rub in that you're not alone in having gone through something like this but you might want to read this very long recent thread to get some perspective:

[URL="//www.city-data.com/forum/relationships/937353-cheating-fiancee-coming-today-need-advice.html"]www.city-data.com/forum/relationships/937353-cheating-fiancee-coming-today-need-advice.html[/URL]

I think the poster also created some earlier connecting threads but the whole scenario sounds remarkably similar to yours and may help you understand and come to terms with what's going on. Good luck!

thank you kind sir for your post. i will take the time to read it.

[Currency Pair Crocodile]

I stopped reading at Brazil. Is that line 3?

Did she take you down her samba? Steer clear of Brazilian chicks, man, even if they are hot as whatsherface with the VS bra.

[teaner]

Originally Posted by JustJulia

Could the "drama" during your ski trip have anything to do with it? You skimmed over that, but things seemed to rapidly deteriorate after that. That was the impression I got, at least.

the drama on the ski trip was the tip of the ice berg. i don't want to blame myself but from time to time i was somewhat verbally abusive with my words. it always came down to money because i was supporting the both of us. she never really thought about the financial burden she was on me. although i loved her so much, that was the reason i wanted to support her. we were in it together. it was always about her and the things she wanted or needed. its been years since i ever bought something for myself or for my car (one of my many hobbies).

there were a number of times we disrepected one another. sure we had great times together but there were times when we mistreated each other, verbally. the were a number of things that bothered me about her and we would always talk about these issues. i always asked her to correct them but it was never done. sure i always felt like an [EMAIL="a@@hole"]a@@hole[/EMAIL] when i would loose my temper and say things i would later regret. i would always apologize later for flying off the handle. so im sure thats when the doubts started....i just never imagined her being in another relationship so fast. again, this could have been going on for longer than i expected.

[teaner]

Originally Posted by Antlered Chamataka

I stopped reading at Brazil. Is that line 3?

Did she take you down her samba? Steer clear of Brazilian chicks, man, even if they are hot as whatsherface with the VS bra.

not even going to respond to this comment. don't take offense but your comment is clearly judgemental. thats like saying, stay away from redheads because their complexion is to white.

[teaner]

also, she owes me about $2500. Most of that was money I lent her for school. Her mother does not work but her father does. So if her father could not send her money from Brazil, I would step in and lend her the money. She works as a babysitter/nanny so her funds are non-existent. She suggested to me that we type up a form for the both of us to sign. Which we did. I typed up a loan agreement form and gave her 36 months from the summer of 2011 to pay me off. Was this a mistake? Should I have gotten it notarized? Should I demand for her father to pay me off at once so we both can move on with our lives? Cutting her out of my life is the only way my heart will heal. She is being an adult out of the situation and handling this correctly. I just worry I will never see this money.

[Urban Sasquatch]

Originally Posted by teaner

Hello all.

I need some serious advice from all of you. I am in a great deal of pain, sadness, and tears right now...

Here is the problem. My girlfriend and I just recently broke up after 4.5 years. I am 29 and she is 27. She is her from Brazil as an exhange student. Her entire family is in Brazil. She fell in love with me after about 6 months into our relationship. That scared me at first and I backed away. But it was silly to break up over that. After about 9 months into our relationship is when I first expressed my love for her. It took me about a year to realize how good of a person she was and that she was everything I wanted in a wife, soul mate, my best friend for life. So the next 3.5 years was great.

We started having problems in the summer of 2009. Thats when her doubts were in her head and heart. But she never really ever came to me and talked to me about them. I always told her to come talk to me if something was bothering her and not hide anything from me. She held these emotions in for over a year and never approached me about them. She hinted from time to time that she needed certain things in a relationship. So I sometimes blame myself for not listening to her needs. I did a lot for her because I loved her and I wanted to see her happy. I knew times were tough for her and her family wasn't here for her. I bought her a car, paid her car insurance, gave her money for tution when ever she needed it. (she does owe me a large amount of money) That was one of our problems was that I always through money in her face because she wasnt working yet. My job became unstable about a year ago and I have been going through working on and off for about a year.

She just graduated and is about to go for her masters degree. She was just about to move in with me until something recently changed in her heart. We went on a snowboarding trip back in January and some drama went down then. That was the start of our downfall. We seperated for a month or so. She said she had doubts within our relationship and fell out of love with me. She said the feelings were not there anymore and that she didn't know if she could marry me. So for about a month in half I went through a great deal of pain. It was so hard for me to expect all of this and I didn't want to let her go. So in the beginning of April, she came running back to me. She ended up showing up on my door step one saturday afternoon. She was weak and of course was thinking she made a mistake. So after that, we decieded to take things slow and take one day at a time. I was so happy to have her back in my life. Was it to soon to get back together? Seems that way now.

We spent the next month together taking things easy and taking baby steps. Enjoying one anothers company and trying to work through some of the issues we had. After a few weeks she said something to me that I will never forget, "we are good for one another, we do make a good couple". That made me so happy and I was so relieved to hear her say these things. Then at the beginning of May, (her birthday was may 3rd and she graduated may 14th), she was becoming distant again and I could tell something was wrong. I approached her about the situation and she said those doubts were coming back again and then she thought it was best for us to not be together. My heart was crushed once again.

I didn't understand it. I didn't know why she came back into my life after 3 months only to hurt me again. I have shed so many tears in the last 6 months. I became angry and didn't know why she said the things she said to me. How things could change again so quickly? We then went through the phase of giving all of our possessions back. I had so many unanswered questions. So about two weeks ago she delivered the car I bought for her back to me, since it was in my name. She ended up showing up with some guy that I never met or saw before. I asked her who this was. She laughed and said a friend. Boy my anger was really building up now. The one thing I always gave her was space, when she wanted to go out with friends I never got jealous and figured we both needed time with our friends.

I know this girl so well that I can read her any second of the day. After 4.5 years I could always tell when something was wrong, she wasn't happy, or she had a bad day. Right away I knew her doubts were for other reasons then she just didn't fall out of love with me. Over the next few days I sent a number of text messages asking her to be honest with me that she atleast owed me the truth. I asked time and time again if there was someone else. She kept saying no, that there wasn't anyone else. Evenutally she did break down and tell me that she was in another relationship with someone. We were only seperated for a month. She told me she never cheated on me but who knows if that was ever true. Who knows how long this other guy was in the picture for as well.

She said that I did have the right to know, and that she wasn't sure how this was going to help me emotionally. She also said that this was the last time I was going to hear from her and that unless it had to do with possessions or something I needed her support on to not contact her, if it had to do with her personal life I had no right knowing anymore that what she told me. I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know if what she told me was true of she was just saying these things to get me off of her back and create some space.

I have written her about 3 long letters since May. I know there is no way I can change her feelings, they are what they are. I am not a stupid person either, I do realize that showing my anger or stalking her is not the way to win her back. She was the love of my life and it hurts me so much to hear that she is in another relationship already. It does make me sick to my stomach knowing she is with someone else. A large part of me doesn't want to let her go and wants to give her the space and time to work through what she is feeling. But the other part of me wants to just turn my back and move on and never talk to her again. Thats easier said then done because my love for her is so strong.

I don't know what to do anymore? She said she still cares for me and that I will always be in her heart. She wanted to be friends with me and believes that we can still be in each others lives. I told her that unless we were dating there was no way I could ever have her in my life. She said all of this to me before finding out she was in another relationship, if it is true. The thing is the pain would be to great for me not to be able to have her as my own, for us to be one.

Please give me some advice as I am so lost right now......

I can't tell you anything to take the pain AWAY, but I can assure you as dreadful as it feels right now it WILL get better eventually.

By the second paragraph I was thinking there's another guy. By the third I knew it for certain, long before you got to the part where she admitted it.

I'm going to give you some advice and you're probably going to think I'm being a bit cruel and/or jaded, and you'll also think it's not in your nature to do some of the things I'm going to suggest to you.


First: Get your money back as soon as you can. This breakup will be how it begins. If you simply drift away then she'll never bring it up, it will simply fade into the background and in her mind you'll have "grown apart". If you push to rekindle the relationship then animosity will develop and you'll be an irritant, a nuisance.

Either of these will serve just FINE for conveniently forgetting that you are owed money. I know this seems like a trite, mean point to be bringing up but it's a simple fact of life -- you are about to get s c r e w e d over if you don't take steps to recoup your financial expenditures and they WILL become losses.

Second: Aside from doing whatever is necessary to regain your money, avoid her. Avoid even friendly overtures WHILE attempting to remain civil. That won't be an easy thing to do because I KNOW you're hurting right now. You want things the way they were when life was good and you're confused as to how this abrupt 180-degree turn in emotional investment occurred on her part.

Start training yourself to avoid her. I'd LOVE to be wrong about this, love for things to heal themselves so you ended up with a romance worthy of Hollywood -- but that is the stuff of legend for a reason, and that reason ISN'T because it happens every day.

Third: Play hardball NOW rather than trying to be nice and amicable only to discover later that you should have been playing hard but it's too late. I know that's not what you want to hear, but better distasteful now than regretful later. I say this because money is involved and, according to you, quite a bit.

I haven't the time just now to list out the clues in what you've told me, but I'm about 95 percent certain she's moved on and the only one who wants "what was" back is YOU. The sooner you accept this, the better.

Good luck.

[JustJulia]

Originally Posted by teaner

the drama on the ski trip was the tip of the ice berg. i don't want to blame myself but from time to time i was somewhat verbally abusive with my words. it always came down to money because i was supporting the both of us. she never really thought about the financial burden she was on me. although i loved her so much, that was the reason i wanted to support her. we were in it together. it was always about her and the things she wanted or needed. its been years since i ever bought something for myself or for my car (one of my many hobbies).

there were a number of times we disrepected one another. sure we had great times together but there were times when we mistreated each other, verbally. the were a number of things that bothered me about her and we would always talk about these issues. i always asked her to correct them but it was never done. sure i always felt like an a@@hole when i would loose my temper and say things i would later regret. i would always apologize later for flying off the handle. so im sure thats when the doubts started....i just never imagined her being in another relationship so fast. again, this could have been going on for longer than i expected.

Thank you for fleshing out that part of the story. What you wrote helped answer some questions I had, such as, "Why would a woman just walk away from such a great guy?" Well, as much as you "don't want to blame yourself," I hope you can admit that you have some issues to work on. You should work on them before you get serious with anyone else.

Originally Posted by teaner

also, she owes me about $2500. Most of that was money I lent her for school. Her mother does not work but her father does. So if her father could not send her money from Brazil, I would step in and lend her the money. She works as a babysitter/nanny so her funds are non-existent. She suggested to me that we type up a form for the both of us to sign. Which we did. I typed up a loan agreement form and gave her 36 months from the summer of 2011 to pay me off. Was this a mistake? Should I have gotten it notarized? Should I demand for her father to pay me off at once so we both can move on with our lives? Cutting her out of my life is the only way my heart will heal. She is being an adult out of the situation and handling this correctly. I just worry I will never see this money.

It's possible you won't, but at least you have a semblance of a contract. You gave her quite a bit of time to pay you back, and I don't think you can reneg now--I believe you cannot demand to have it all back immediately. The only person who can properly advise you about that is a lawyer from your area.

Because you gave her until summer 2014 (three years from summer 2011, correct?) and it's now summer 2010, she has roughly 48 months to pay you $2500. That's about $50 a month, which is probably not going to make a big impact in your life if you get it back in those increments. However, approaching her now with a reasonable payment plan is probably your best bet to an amicable resolution of this issue.