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Old 06-02-2010, 10:27 AM
 
12 posts, read 46,680 times
Reputation: 10

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Hello all.

I need some serious advice from all of you. I am in a great deal of pain, sadness, and tears right now...

Here is the problem. My girlfriend and I just recently broke up after 4.5 years. I am 29 and she is 27. She is her from Brazil as an exhange student. Her entire family is in Brazil. She fell in love with me after about 6 months into our relationship. That scared me at first and I backed away. But it was silly to break up over that. After about 9 months into our relationship is when I first expressed my love for her. It took me about a year to realize how good of a person she was and that she was everything I wanted in a wife, soul mate, my best friend for life. So the next 3.5 years was great.

We started having problems in the summer of 2009. Thats when her doubts were in her head and heart. But she never really ever came to me and talked to me about them. I always told her to come talk to me if something was bothering her and not hide anything from me. She held these emotions in for over a year and never approached me about them. She hinted from time to time that she needed certain things in a relationship. So I sometimes blame myself for not listening to her needs. I did a lot for her because I loved her and I wanted to see her happy. I knew times were tough for her and her family wasn't here for her. I bought her a car, paid her car insurance, gave her money for tution when ever she needed it. (she does owe me a large amount of money) That was one of our problems was that I always through money in her face because she wasnt working yet. My job became unstable about a year ago and I have been going through working on and off for about a year.

She just graduated and is about to go for her masters degree. She was just about to move in with me until something recently changed in her heart. We went on a snowboarding trip back in January and some drama went down then. That was the start of our downfall. We seperated for a month or so. She said she had doubts within our relationship and fell out of love with me. She said the feelings were not there anymore and that she didn't know if she could marry me. So for about a month in half I went through a great deal of pain. It was so hard for me to expect all of this and I didn't want to let her go. So in the beginning of April, she came running back to me. She ended up showing up on my door step one saturday afternoon. She was weak and of course was thinking she made a mistake. So after that, we decieded to take things slow and take one day at a time. I was so happy to have her back in my life. Was it to soon to get back together? Seems that way now.

We spent the next month together taking things easy and taking baby steps. Enjoying one anothers company and trying to work through some of the issues we had. After a few weeks she said something to me that I will never forget, "we are good for one another, we do make a good couple". That made me so happy and I was so relieved to hear her say these things. Then at the beginning of May, (her birthday was may 3rd and she graduated may 14th), she was becoming distant again and I could tell something was wrong. I approached her about the situation and she said those doubts were coming back again and then she thought it was best for us to not be together. My heart was crushed once again.

I didn't understand it. I didn't know why she came back into my life after 3 months only to hurt me again. I have shed so many tears in the last 6 months. I became angry and didn't know why she said the things she said to me. How things could change again so quickly? We then went through the phase of giving all of our possessions back. I had so many unanswered questions. So about two weeks ago she delivered the car I bought for her back to me, since it was in my name. She ended up showing up with some guy that I never met or saw before. I asked her who this was. She laughed and said a friend. Boy my anger was really building up now. The one thing I always gave her was space, when she wanted to go out with friends I never got jealous and figured we both needed time with our friends.

I know this girl so well that I can read her any second of the day. After 4.5 years I could always tell when something was wrong, she wasn't happy, or she had a bad day. Right away I knew her doubts were for other reasons then she just didn't fall out of love with me. Over the next few days I sent a number of text messages asking her to be honest with me that she atleast owed me the truth. I asked time and time again if there was someone else. She kept saying no, that there wasn't anyone else. Evenutally she did break down and tell me that she was in another relationship with someone. We were only seperated for a month. She told me she never cheated on me but who knows if that was ever true. Who knows how long this other guy was in the picture for as well.

She said that I did have the right to know, and that she wasn't sure how this was going to help me emotionally. She also said that this was the last time I was going to hear from her and that unless it had to do with possessions or something I needed her support on to not contact her, if it had to do with her personal life I had no right knowing anymore that what she told me. I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know if what she told me was true of she was just saying these things to get me off of her back and create some space.

I have written her about 3 long letters since May. I know there is no way I can change her feelings, they are what they are. I am not a stupid person either, I do realize that showing my anger or stalking her is not the way to win her back. She was the love of my life and it hurts me so much to hear that she is in another relationship already. It does make me sick to my stomach knowing she is with someone else. A large part of me doesn't want to let her go and wants to give her the space and time to work through what she is feeling. But the other part of me wants to just turn my back and move on and never talk to her again. Thats easier said then done because my love for her is so strong.

I don't know what to do anymore? She said she still cares for me and that I will always be in her heart. She wanted to be friends with me and believes that we can still be in each others lives. I told her that unless we were dating there was no way I could ever have her in my life. She said all of this to me before finding out she was in another relationship, if it is true. The thing is the pain would be to great for me not to be able to have her as my own, for us to be one.

Please give me some advice as I am so lost right now......

Last edited by teaner; 06-02-2010 at 10:49 AM..
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Old 06-02-2010, 11:07 AM
 
12,572 posts, read 14,957,763 times
Reputation: 8953
I'm guessing your not going to want to deal with all the "it's over, move on" replies.
It's over, move on.
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Old 06-02-2010, 11:07 AM
 
Location: New Hampshire
4,854 posts, read 5,437,618 times
Reputation: 3744
Move on.

She is not worth your tears or your time.

Spend some time alone to re-evaluate where your life is going. I understand you love her but you need to let it go.

She didn't waste her time finding someone else to replace you so why are you even wasting YOUR time thinking about her?

I think the whole "I still care for you and want you in my life" is often misused by people so they don't look bad in other folks' eyes. Most people do not mean it. They just say it....for the heck of it.


Plus, you are saving some more heartache by letting her go. She is from Brazil, right? Well, I lived there for a long time and I can tell you that she is going to end up having the urge to go back to her homeland and she will probably ask the man she is with to drop everything and go with her. It's happened many...many times before. Her life is there, not here.

Move on, find someone less complicated and who will actually be a woman for once. I am sorry you wasted over 4 years of your life!
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Old 06-02-2010, 11:20 AM
 
12 posts, read 46,680 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by WFW&P View Post
I'm guessing your not going to want to deal with all the "it's over, move on" replies.
It's over, move on.
thanks for the ignorance.
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Old 06-02-2010, 11:23 AM
 
12 posts, read 46,680 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by KickAssArmyChick View Post
Move on.

She is not worth your tears or your time.

Spend some time alone to re-evaluate where your life is going. I understand you love her but you need to let it go.

She didn't waste her time finding someone else to replace you so why are you even wasting YOUR time thinking about her?

I think the whole "I still care for you and want you in my life" is often misused by people so they don't look bad in other folks' eyes. Most people do not mean it. They just say it....for the heck of it.


Plus, you are saving some more heartache by letting her go. She is from Brazil, right? Well, I lived there for a long time and I can tell you that she is going to end up having the urge to go back to her homeland and she will probably ask the man she is with to drop everything and go with her. It's happened many...many times before. Her life is there, not here.

Move on, find someone less complicated and who will actually be a woman for once. I am sorry you wasted over 4 years of your life!
She wants a life here. Thats why she is here studying. Although, her seeking the urge to go back to her home country was always a thought in the back of my mind. It was actually one of my biggest fears before falling in love with her.

I feel I def. did wast a long part of my life. It is hard for me to move on. A part of me still doesn't want to do so. MY heart hurts so badly right now.
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Old 06-02-2010, 11:29 AM
 
Location: Arizona
1,034 posts, read 4,268,016 times
Reputation: 1375
I don't miss those days of being unsure of what my relationship held. I don't miss walking on eggshells constantly because of this looming fear of losing my significant other because of something I said or did wrong. How could you ever find comfort in a relationship with her again knowing that she has the potential to suddenly snap and end things with little explanation? I think you deserve better than that. You sound like a very loving and generous man. Forget this girl and, when you are ready, move on and find one that will love and appreciate you for all you are and all you have to give. Don't shed another tear over this loss. In time you will realize that it was for the best.
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Old 06-02-2010, 11:32 AM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,906 posts, read 40,983,691 times
Reputation: 42718
I'm sorry you are hurting right now. It's very understandable. All I can say is this too shall pass. The pain will lessen over time, and you will be ready to move on someday. Not now. That's okay; give yourself time.

None of us can know why she broke up with you, whether she was unfaithful, whether she still cares for you, or any of that. You may not ever know those things either, and you will eventually come to grips with that. It's an ugly lesson to learn, but life does not always give us all the answers.
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Old 06-02-2010, 11:36 AM
 
12 posts, read 46,680 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by redjan1225 View Post
I don't miss those days of being unsure of what my relationship held. I don't miss walking on eggshells constantly because of this looming fear of losing my significant other because of something I said or did wrong. How could you ever find comfort in a relationship with her again knowing that she has the potential to suddenly snap and end things with little explanation? I think you deserve better than that. You sound like a very loving and generous man. Forget this girl and, when you are ready, move on and find one that will love and appreciate you for all you are and all you have to give. Don't shed another tear over this loss. In time you will realize that it was for the best.
thank you for the kind words. the tears will be shed until i can fully move on. my love for her was so strong. the thing that makes it so tough is that we were both very genuine people and thats very hard to find these days. what she did to me was very uncharacteristic of her and thats another reason why this is so hard. this is extremely tough for me to accept. in the end it is for the best, as neither one of us wanted to get married and then get divorced a few years later.
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Old 06-02-2010, 11:44 AM
 
12 posts, read 46,680 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
I'm sorry you are hurting right now. It's very understandable. All I can say is this too shall pass. The pain will lessen over time, and you will be ready to move on someday. Not now. That's okay; give yourself time.

None of us can know why she broke up with you, whether she was unfaithful, whether she still cares for you, or any of that. You may not ever know those things either, and you will eventually come to grips with that. It's an ugly lesson to learn, but life does not always give us all the answers.
again thanks for the kind words. As i said i'm not a stupid person and i dont want to be with someone that has these doubts. that one person should want to be with me without hesitation and vice versa. to have to force anything in a relationship is a sign from god that it isn't mean to be.
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Old 06-02-2010, 11:57 AM
 
Location: Arizona
1,034 posts, read 4,268,016 times
Reputation: 1375
Quote:
Originally Posted by teaner View Post
thank you for the kind words. the tears will be shed until i can fully move on. my love for her was so strong. the thing that makes it so tough is that we were both very genuine people and thats very hard to find these days. what she did to me was very uncharacteristic of her and thats another reason why this is so hard. this is extremely tough for me to accept. in the end it is for the best, as neither one of us wanted to get married and then get divorced a few years later.
I tend to think if she really were a "genuine" person, she wouldn't do these "uncharacteristic" things without explanation. She would be honest with you and communicate with you better.
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