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So I want to make it clear that I already have my mind made up on what I'm going to do. However I have friends who have advised otherwise about this scenario, I'm just interested in other opinions at this point.
I've only gone on 3 dates with this girl. They've gone pretty well, I've done things differently as I've been advised and I feel good about this situation, regardless if it works out or not. I'm in a much more comfortable place about this than I've ever been. We made out after 2nd date quite a bit, really connected on some heavy topics. Went to a ballgame with her and her friends on 3rd date. Ended a little awkward, but got late night text clearing up some quesitons about her intentions that went along the lines of "I'll go out again if you can be patient with my hectic schedule. I'm a slow dater. I'm not conventional, but I'm not in a rush."
Now I like this girl, and I don't doubt she has interest in me as well. But I know from past experience this could end tomorrow for a million different reasons that I'll never understand. I have no problem being patient, I'm not in a rush either, and I feel she's worth seeing once a week or even less sometimes at this point instead of walking away and writing her off. We both have our own lives, which is fine with me, and I enjoy seeing her when we're together so I'll keep it going.
My question is that I have the opportunity to set up a date with a different girl that I've been emailing back and forth over the last few weeks. I've had friends with STRONG opinions on what to do with this situation, so I'll lay out pros/cons for you. I'll reiterate I know what I'm going to do. I like the girl I'm seeing, I think there's good potential, and despite the slow pace she wants to take I'm willing to play ball. I'll let you fight it out about the right thing to do:
Pros of dating another girl
- Keeps your options open
- Much easier to get over being rejected if you have other dates lined up
- Meeting new people is fun
- You may end up liking the other girl more
- First girl hasn't mentioned anything about exclusivity, it's not her place to tell me what to do with my dating life at this point
- For all I know she's out dating other dudes too which is maybe why she's so "busy schedule"
- If first girl finds out and gets mad, I'll know I dodged a bullet if she drops me
Cons of dating another girl
- The girl I like now could find out and create major drama/awkwardness
- If she likes me, she may be severely turned off by this
- If she finds out, she may prioritize me less since she'll feel like less of a priority due to my lack of exclusivity
- I could end up hurting the 2nd girls' feelings for "leading her on" with a date when I was seeing someone else (if it worked out with 1st girl)
Call me overanalyzer all you want, I can't fight it so I'll embrace it. I know what I'm going to do, but it seems like a touchy area and women tend to have the view of "don't go out with another girl" where guys are telling me "set up as many other dates as you want".
one, girl #1 has already established that she wants to be in the drivers seat, and that she expects you to work around her "hectic schedule." (which is the ultimate BS excuse for her to gain leverage) ok, fine, but to me that is not exactly a signal that she's out for an exclusive relationship with you at this juncture.
two, if girl #1 freaks out over this, then didn't you just dodge a bullet anyway?
three, think of girl #2 as a catalyst, who triggers a fight-or-flight with girl #1 and speeds up whatever the inevitable result may be.
Well are you not prioritizing her less? Why is it ok for you to keep your options open but the others can't? Double standard?
If this is who you are, do you want her to like the fake you or the real you? If she does not like this, she does not like you. Simple as that, because its part of who you naturally are.
Anyone that assumes a relationship is exclusive by three dates is a little nuts.
Just because meeting new people is fun does not mean you have to date them all.
I think you are not ready for a serious exclusive relationship and you should state that right off the bat so you don't waste anyone's time. If you are still mate shopping like this, you probably need to date around casually more anyway to know exactly what you want.
one, girl #1 has already established that she wants to be in the drivers seat, and that she expects you to work around her hectic schedule. ok, fine, but to me that is not exactly a signal that she's out for an exclusive relationship with you at this juncture.
two, if girl #1 freaks out over this, then didn't you just dodge a bullet anyway?
Great responses so far to inspire further discussion!
Quote:
Originally Posted by pitt_transplant
Well are you not prioritizing her less? Why is it ok for you to keep your options open but the others can't? Double standard?
If this is who you are, do you want her to like the fake you or the real you? If she does not like this, she does not like you. Simple as that, because its part of who you naturally are.
Anyone that assumes a relationship is exclusive by three dates is a little nuts.
Just because meeting new people is fun does not mean you have to date them all.
I think you are not ready for a serious exclusive relationship and you should state that right off the bat so you don't waste anyone's time. If you are still mate shopping like this, you probably need to date around casually more anyway to know exactly what you want.
I don't see it as showing a fake me. I've been much more honest up front about my true self and experiences with girl #1 than I ever have in the past.
As for prioritization, I guess what I mean is that if she has a busy schedule, she is making some effort to fit me into it. If she realizes I'm still actively dating others (where she may not be due to lack of time or high interest level in me) then she may make less effort to fit me in. I wouldn't hold it against her at that point. But I do like her, so I want to see her when I can, and the more the better.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MAtheBanker
Technically you're not even dating the first girl, so I see no problem with going out with someone else.
Unless you and girl 1 establish that you're in a relationship, there is nothing wrong with going on a date with some else!
I totally agree with this, and there's a good chance she will also agree with this if she found out I was dating someone else as well. However, it has been argued that this will only have a negative impact on her feelings about me (whatever they may be now). I don't want her to feel bad about me, I want her to feel positive about me and know that I'm interested in her very much still.
Quote:
Originally Posted by le roi
i would go out with girl #2.
one, girl #1 has already established that she wants to be in the drivers seat, and that she expects you to work around her hectic schedule. ok, fine, but to me that is not exactly a signal that she's out for an exclusive relationship with you at this juncture.
two, if girl #1 freaks out over this, then didn't you just dodge a bullet anyway?
This is true, she did state SHE is the one wanting to take it slow and she's in no rush, so it would be ridiculous for me put everything else on hold and dismay any opportunities that come along just because she wants to take her sweet time with me. Makes good sense to me.
"Fake you" as in...living not true to what you want ( dating the two girls at once.) Go for what you want, not for what gives you possible options. You will be happier and the relationship will be more naturally easy to deal with...unless she is being fake. lol
Another thing to add: If I was girl #1 and I had only been on three dates with a guy, and I found out he wasn't dating anyone else because he was "dating" me--I'd be VERY turned off. That's way too soon to be serious, espcially when we hadn't even established our relationship before. Jumping to exclusive status THAT fast is not a good thing. Some girls probably like it, though. Me? Yikes.
"Fake you" as in...living not true to what you want ( dating the two girls at once.) Go for what you want, not for what gives you possible options. You will be happier and the relationship will be more naturally easy to deal with...unless she is being fake. lol
Crazy people.
Ok I see your point. Ultimately, what I want is girl #1. From what I know of her, I like her, I have reasons to think she likes me, and I would like to see just her at this point.
But like leroi said, she's put HERSELF in the driver seat and set the tone for what she is going to do. If it's considered out of place for me to tell her to speed it up or fit me into her schedule more, than how can she legitimately tell me not to go on other dates? It's not about just keeping options open, there's a chance this other girl could be the woman of my dreams. It's a potential opportunity, and I never feel it's a good idea to limit yourself of opportunities, especially when someone else puts you in the back seat.
Another thing to add: If I was girl #1 and I had only been on three dates with a guy, and I found out he wasn't dating anyone else because he was "dating" me--I'd be VERY turned off. That's way too soon to be serious, espcially when we hadn't even established our relationship before. Jumping to exclusive status THAT fast is not a good thing. Some girls probably like it, though. Me? Yikes.
Ok, but you don't know WHY he's only dating you. Maybe he's been busy and hasn't had time to see anyone else. Do you know if he's actually turned down other dates with other girls because he's seeing you? (I could see that as a turn off). But you don't know why he's only seen you in the 3 dates you've gone out. Maybe other women just haven't accepted a date with him. I don't know how you would know he was ONLY dating you unless you asked him directly or he came out and said it, in which case would constitute weirdness and a yikes response. But I'm not about to just offer up this information, nor would I ever tell her I'm turning down dates to ONLY see her, even if it meant lying about it.
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