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A buddy of mine has been married to his wife for close to 10 years now. She works in sales and, as you can imagine, it can be pretty stressful at times. Recently, as a way to cope, she took up smoking. According to him, she never ever smoked before and swore it would only be temporary. That was several months ago. Like most addictions, quitting is easier said than done and, from the sound of it, she doesn't seem to really want to quit, despite knowing that it's bad for her and that it repulses her husband. It also doesn't help that the other sales people she works with are also smokers. He's made it clear that he's not happy with her and she keeps reassuring him that she'll quit when things slow down at her job. He's also tried to get friends to persuade her to quit, but they haven't had any luck either. So now he's at a loss on what to do.
So what do you do when your partner adopts a habit that completely turns you off? They know it bothers you, they say they'll stop, but don't follow through. Do you give them an ultimatum? Do you retaliate and adopt a habit they don't like (which sounds pretty immature)? Do you just give up? My friend is pretty frustrated. He loves his wife and I doubt he would ever leave because of her smoking. But he doesn't know how much longer he can put up with this.
Have any of you ever experienced this where you or your partner adopted a habit that threatened your relationship?
An ultimatum to do what? Divorcing over an (admittedly awful) bad habit seems extreme at this point.
I think in this situation I'd sit down with my husband and ask what I could do to help. Life is stressful, so what could I do to alleviate enough stress to help him out? Maybe that means that while his work is crazy, I pick up the slack around the house and do all the cooking/cleaning/errands. Maybe it means that I let him dictate what we do on the weekends. Maybe it means it's time to start looking for a less stressful job.
There are 1000s of ways to deal with stress that don't involve smoking, and I like to think I'd work to help him find one of those ways.
An ultimatum to do what? Divorcing over an (admittedly awful) bad habit seems extreme at this point.
I think in this situation I'd sit down with my husband and ask what I could do to help. Life is stressful, so what could I do to alleviate enough stress to help him out? Maybe that means that while his work is crazy, I pick up the slack around the house and do all the cooking/cleaning/errands. Maybe it means that I let him dictate what we do on the weekends. Maybe it means it's time to start looking for a less stressful job.
There are 1000s of ways to deal with stress that don't involve smoking, and I like to think I'd work to help him find one of those ways.
I agree, but what does one do if the spouse or a child in the household has asthma? That cigarette smell just does not stay outside. It gets in clothes, in fabric (cars, couches).
Wow. That's a sad situation. I guess if you love someone enough, you'll put up with just about anything. At least smoking is not a character flaw.
The only thing I can think of is for him to try again to sit down with her and calmly tell her how much it worries him that the smoking will affect her health, and that he wants to ensure that she'll be around for a long, long time. And I don't see anything wrong with him also saying (gently) that he finds the smell and taste of cigarettes sickening. If she insists on continuing the habit, then he would certainly be justified in asking her to never smoke inside their home or when he is present.
It depends on the habit. Smoking is something that is not only a bad habit for her, but also creates issues for others (ie the husband). So, it really is something that's detrimental to their relationship and health together. It's very selfish.
An ultimatum to do what? Divorcing over an (admittedly awful) bad habit seems extreme at this point.
I think in this situation I'd sit down with my husband and ask what I could do to help. Life is stressful, so what could I do to alleviate enough stress to help him out? Maybe that means that while his work is crazy, I pick up the slack around the house and do all the cooking/cleaning/errands. Maybe it means that I let him dictate what we do on the weekends. Maybe it means it's time to start looking for a less stressful job.
There are 1000s of ways to deal with stress that don't involve smoking, and I like to think I'd work to help him find one of those ways.
He's tried to help her cope with the stress of her job. He's been taking care of a lot of things at home, doing all the chores, cooking, anything he can think of to make things easier on her. But the problem is her job and the way she's chosen to cope with the stress it brings. He's tried to get her to adopt healthier ways to cope like exercise. But she still smokes. From the sound of it, she does most of her smoking at work, though she occasionally lights up at home. But the smell of cigarette smoke stays with her, even after she showers, changes clothes, brushes her teeth, etc. He's also tried to get her to find a less stressful job. The problem is that she loves working in sales and has no desire to switch jobs, despite how stressful this one is. Having dated someone in sales myself, I know how some sales people get hooked on the rush. They'll talk about how stressful it is, but it's almost like they're addicted cause they don't want to take a job that's slower or less exciting. They love the go-go-go nature of sales. She was always a high-strung person, which is probably why she's cut out for sales. He's had countless conversations with her about quitting, finding another job, asking what he can do to help her, etc. But it hasn't helped.
A buddy of mine has been married to his wife for close to 10 years now. She works in sales and, as you can imagine, it can be pretty stressful at times. Recently, as a way to cope, she took up smoking. According to him, she never ever smoked before and swore it would only be temporary. That was several months ago. Like most addictions, quitting is easier said than done and, from the sound of it, she doesn't seem to really want to quit, despite knowing that it's bad for her and that it repulses her husband. It also doesn't help that the other sales people she works with are also smokers. He's made it clear that he's not happy with her and she keeps reassuring him that she'll quit when things slow down at her job. He's also tried to get friends to persuade her to quit, but they haven't had any luck either. So now he's at a loss on what to do.
So what do you do when your partner adopts a habit that completely turns you off? They know it bothers you, they say they'll stop, but don't follow through. Do you give them an ultimatum? Do you retaliate and adopt a habit they don't like (which sounds pretty immature)? Do you just give up? My friend is pretty frustrated. He loves his wife and I doubt he would ever leave because of her smoking. But he doesn't know how much longer he can put up with this.
Have any of you ever experienced this where you or your partner adopted a habit that threatened your relationship?
Depends on the habit. A gross thing like nose-picking would warrant a discussion about what a turnoff it is.
Picking up smoking, however, would be a serious, serious strain on a relationship for me. I watched my grandmother die of emphysema, and my mother die because her smoking led to congestive heart failure and a perforated ulcer, and I'd be damned if I would ever stick around and watch a spouse commit slow suicide the same way.
Plus, just yuck. If I don't want to kiss a man, no way do I want to bang him.
A buddy of mine has been married to his wife for close to 10 years now. She works in sales and, as you can imagine, it can be pretty stressful at times. Recently, as a way to cope, she took up smoking. According to him, she never ever smoked before and swore it would only be temporary. That was several months ago. Like most addictions, quitting is easier said than done and, from the sound of it, she doesn't seem to really want to quit, despite knowing that it's bad for her and that it repulses her husband. It also doesn't help that the other sales people she works with are also smokers. He's made it clear that he's not happy with her and she keeps reassuring him that she'll quit when things slow down at her job. He's also tried to get friends to persuade her to quit, but they haven't had any luck either. So now he's at a loss on what to do.
So what do you do when your partner adopts a habit that completely turns you off? They know it bothers you, they say they'll stop, but don't follow through. Do you give them an ultimatum? Do you retaliate and adopt a habit they don't like (which sounds pretty immature)? Do you just give up? My friend is pretty frustrated. He loves his wife and I doubt he would ever leave because of her smoking. But he doesn't know how much longer he can put up with this.
Have any of you ever experienced this where you or your partner adopted a habit that threatened your relationship?
Have him buy a can of mint Skoal or Copenhangen and a spittoon. Next, take a wad, place between the gums, salivate, than spit in front of the wife - that ought to send a message.
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