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I think its really hard for people, who aren't single parents, to understand what its like to have a child and try and date.
And its not just my son. My job requires me to be very busy most of the day. When I'm done, I'm not going out, and I've got to take care of him anyway. I want to date, you know I have a desire to find someone that I can spend time with, and enjoy some adult company. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
If I had told her, and others, that I was free all the time, and was always available to go out, and changed my tune later, I could see there being an issue. However, I'm honest up front that I can't go out during the week, just can't be done most of the time. There are a few rare occasions, but those are few and far between.
I understand where you're coming from, when I wasn't a parent, I never understood why people were so busy with their children. I also never knew why someone who was so busy would want to date. However, when you walk a mile in someones shoes, you know more.
It may also help you to know that I have 0 family support here. My closet relative lives over 300 miles away from me. I'm not complaining about this, but its not like I can bring my son to my parents house, for a night out.
My problem is when I tell women that I am busy, but I'd love to talk to them, and go out on weekends, and then after a few weeks, they want more. They are fine with that up front, yet after just a couple of dates, its no longer good enough. In my opinion, they should know this up front.
I see what you're saying but sometimes folks actually don't know that's going to be a problem until they're in that situation. Things can also change when they start developing feelings for the other person. As they grow to like you, it's only natural that they will want to spend more time with you.
This is why I think that single parents should primarily seek out other single parents for dating. The two of you will have a better chance of being on the same wavelength and having similar expectations out of the relationship.
I see what you're saying but sometimes folks actually don't know that's going to be a problem until they're in that situation. Things can also change when they start developing feelings for the other person. As they grow to like you, it's only natural that they will want to spend more time with you.
This is why I think that single parents should primarily seek out other single parents for dating. The two of you will have a better chance of being on the same wavelength and having similar expectations out of the relationship.
I think its really hard for people, who aren't single parents, to understand what its like to have a child and try and date.
And its not just my son. My job requires me to be very busy most of the day. When I'm done, I'm not going out, and I've got to take care of him anyway. I want to date, you know I have a desire to find someone that I can spend time with, and enjoy some adult company. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
If I had told her, and others, that I was free all the time, and was always available to go out, and changed my tune later, I could see there being an issue. However, I'm honest up front that I can't go out during the week, just can't be done most of the time. There are a few rare occasions, but those are few and far between.
I understand where you're coming from, when I wasn't a parent, I never understood why people were so busy with their children. I also never knew why someone who was so busy would want to date. However, when you walk a mile in someones shoes, you know more.
It may also help you to know that I have 0 family support here. My closet relative lives over 300 miles away from me. I'm not complaining about this, but its not like I can bring my son to my parents house, for a night out.
My problem is when I tell women that I am busy, but I'd love to talk to them, and go out on weekends, and then after a few weeks, they want more. They are fine with that up front, yet after just a couple of dates, its no longer good enough. In my opinion, they should know this up front.
Oh, I understand that it's tough to be a single parent who works. I've seen it with my sisters and several close friends.
But what you are asking of the women you meet is to enter into a casual relationship that never goes anywhere because you don't have the time or inclination. "Adult company" once a week is a booty call, and maybe when you meet these women, you should be completely honest and say that you're looking for a friend with benefits for once-a-week dinner and sex, because it sounds like that is what you are really looking for, or all you have time for.
Not making a judgment call. Just saying that you are presenting yourself as a someone who wants to date, and that's not really what you want because dating has a certain progression--usually toward a full-blown relationship. Full-blown relationships require time, and time is not something you have to give now--except maybe for a few hours on a Saturday night.
Dang straight it's tough: Most of the women I know don't want that. Sorry, but that's the truth.
Exactly. I never understood the whole, "My kids ALWAYS come first" speech, and whenever I heard that from a man, I said, "Okay, have fun!" and that was the end of that. Sorry, I don't have kids, and your kids don't come first in my life. You say you don't know me well enough to hire a sitter en route to getting to know me? I don't know you or your kids well enough to put you or them ahead of my own desire for a relationship of two equals. See ya!
Besides, the whole "my kids always come first" routine sounds like a recipe for raising some pretty spoiled kids. I can't tell you how many times I've heard my friends, parents of teenagers, react with frustration and aggravation when they start dating and their kids lash out in response. They put dating and a life of their own on hold to "always put the kids first," and when they finally do go out, their kids will sulk, get angry, or call them incessantly while they are out on dates and present manufactured "crises" because they are jealous that Mom or Dad is out on the town and not home with them.
Well, it's because you've always put your kids first and proactively let the whole world know it (and most likely your kids, too), and your kids never learned that you are a person with your own needs and grown-up life separate from them and not some automaton there to cater to their every wish.
Good luck finding a partner to put up with that nonsense for any length of time.
I love ya too much, so no reps for ya... but it couldn't be said better!
I think a relationship-forum is a bad place to ask that, since the majority of the readers here are probably here exactly because they're unhappy or has a relationship problem they need to vent/discuss/get advice on...
I think its really hard for people, who aren't single parents, to understand what its like to have a child and try and date.
And its not just my son. My job requires me to be very busy most of the day. When I'm done, I'm not going out, and I've got to take care of him anyway. I want to date, you know I have a desire to find someone that I can spend time with, and enjoy some adult company. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
There isn't anything wrong with that.
But...sorry for sounding like a math geek...wrong or right do not affect the laws of probability.
It doesn't matter man, woman, northerner, southerner, parent, childless...the more demanding a person's expectations are, the harder it will be to find a partner that matches them.
There is nothing wrong with defining what one wants, and then trying to find it....but it is also not "other people's" faults if they do not fit in to one's particular mold.
When faced with a process failure (sorry, geek speak again) there are three choices: Retry, Modify and Retry, Abort. The choice is up to the individual.
I feel for you...it can be hard to find a partner, and you sound like a hard-working, responsible fellow. I hope things will work out for you one way or another.
I think a relationship-forum is a bad place to ask that, since the majority of the readers here are probably here exactly because they're unhappy or has a relationship problem they need to vent/discuss/get advice on...
Honestly, I'm not at all upset about it, and I'm not really looking for advice. Just trying to get a glance at the psyche of others who agree with her.
Now I've got one of the women I dated earlier sending me messages again, she wants to give it another go. I dated her longer than any of my recent interests, which was for about 3 months.
Honestly, I'm not going to date her again. She is good as a friend, just not my type of woman for a relationship.
She went out with her girlfriends last night, and today it was if her mood had changed.
She finally asked me "Ok, so I have something to say. I started talking to you because I was interested in meeting a nice guy that I can date and see what happens. To me, and call me old fashioned, that means phone calls, meeting for coffee, etc. So, are you just not that kind of guy? Or just not that interested in getting to know me better in that way?"
Sounds like she was looking for reassurance that your level of interest matches hers.
She went out the night before and her mood since changed. Maybe she met someone else with possibilities and needs to know if she should pursue that. Another possibility is that her girlfriends put doubts in her mind...that you're not all that into her.
Unless she is the kind of woman who needs a man to "complete" her, she may have been simply seeking clarification of your intentions.
Guys who take it slowly are few and far between, so maybe you are the first she's encountered. I commend you for that, BTW. I've known only one guy like you and honestly, it threw me for a loop at first because I didn't know how to read him. It turned out to be a fascinating and exciting journey though once I figured out he was for real.
However, you make comments that suggest you believe no other relationship is as important as your child. If you aren't willing to put in the time and energy to nurture other relationships, maybe you should wait. There are things you could do to reassure her that you think about her and that she's important even when you can't see her. Maybe you need to work on that. Also consider scheduling activities with your son that include her. You may as well know early on how they get along.
It sounds like you didn't give her the chance to become accustomed to and understand your boundaries. She doesn't run into guys like you every day, you know.
Last edited by scarlet_ohara; 06-09-2010 at 10:57 AM..
Women are a box of chocolates..NEVER know what you'll get. (From the same woman)
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