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how does even one do that here? how???!!! the kind you mean without the one that requires me to keep in contact and do the jesus thing of allowing myself to be a doormat?
Seaharbour,
I am definitely not a Christian nor I do conform to any organized religion, but I can tell you how I forgave and this is just my personal experience. I am not writing this to make a statement on how everyone should forgive. Everyone will have to find their own way to forgive.
To me forgiveness is having peace within me. I will not write how I was abused because I do not think that is revelant. But, I had a lot of anger and resentment built up. It seemed I could not shake it. Outwardly I appeared fine, although I tended to be a nervous person and very shy, but inwardly I was eating myself up with so much anger and resentment and almost a numbing feeling, like I could not really feel emotions to the full extent.
I finally realized after 20+ years of these feelings that I had to do something to help myself.
I let myself be angry at those who abused me. I visualized myself yelling and screaming at them. I wrote several scathing letters to them describing the abuse and then either burned those letters or tore them to shreds. I talked to a trusted friend when I needed to vent and just ramble about the years of miserable childhood. I noticed that the anger slowly started fading. I started to feel more relaxed. This took a few years to achieve. I had a lot of anger. But I directed it towards those who abused me without ever talking to them.
I then started visualizing myself as that abused girl. At first I wanted nothing to do with "her" but I slowly started to "see" that girl and ever so slowly I started to comfort that girl. I could visualize myself as I am now, a grown woman, comforting that young girl, giving her hugs, holding her, etc. For a long time I did not want to connect with who I used to be because that girl disgusted me, but I was finally about to connect with her.
My last stage was to try to see the abusers for who they truly are, and that was the hardest part. I could not see past the abuse, but in order to gain peace I had to try to understand why they were so abusive. Now, at this stage in my life, I pity them. I see them as broken people who are leading a fake life and are so unhappy. They have to live with themselves forever. They cannot run from themselves and that is the worst that could ever happen to them. Eventually, what they have done will haunt them and make them even more miserable than could ever be.
So, I pity them. I forgave them because they are pitiful people. I survived and although I may bear emotional scars, those scars made me into who I am today and I am proud of myself.
I hope you will find that peace within.
Wow,,what a wonderful and brave post...I am afraid to go there, to do that, scared how i could react, have a nervous breakdown or something, but I do know it has to be worked out..I am so stressed that now when i go to bed at night I fear death, my heart pounds, I also have my eating out of control again, fear a heart attack cause of the what i eat and not able to motivate myself anymore, i used to walk all the time, eat well, I do not or understand what is happenging to me, I feel as if i am just falling apart and to make matters a bit scarier I am returning to my birth home area but on the other side of the city..its a big city should be fine...but i fear my mom cause she has tried to kill me before...maybe its the holidays too here, being between jobs, having a home not selling and going into a possible deed in lieu too..I just never experieneced so many hurrdes in life as of now and i think some kind of peace would be nice now at this point..thank you for sharing aimhigh, had to be difficult, i appreciate it myself.
I could visualize myself as I am now, a grown woman, comforting that young girl, giving her hugs, holding her, etc. For a long time I did not want to connect with who I used to be because that girl disgusted me, but I was finally about to connect with her.
i do see myself someitmes, from outside of who i am and i hate me sometimes...i feel so messed up from my childhood, i feel bad bout who i am..I want to be more stronger and confident..I lack that and i think people know that bout me, if i were to pic my little girl of whom I was, I think i would cry a river, right now I have tears cause its so damn hard to go there and think of her...
I pity them. I see them as broken people who are leading a fake life and are so unhappy. They have to live with themselves forever. They cannot run from themselves and that is the worst that could ever happen to them. Eventually, what they have done will haunt them and make them even more miserable than could ever be.
So, I pity them. I forgave them because they are pitiful people.
That is about where i am most of the time aimhigh, but sometimes I miss them, esp around this time of year cause i think of the good times we had, but i know that is a fairy tale...thank you aimhigh again, sorry you relate so well here, (((safe hugs to you))))
An older thread on forgiveness, what it is, how, and why. I am bumping it up and hope Shirina can find some solace reading through this short thread that is full of wisdom.
i, like many, have a problem forgiving. my question is: when you forgive someone are there/should there be any conditions attached such as "i will forgive you as long as you try your best to not hurt me again" OR are you supposed to forgive no matter what, even if the person will most likely hurt you again?
When you realize that, nothing really can possibly "hurt" the Conscious Self in the body, there is nothing to forgive. Do you get hurt by a child that grabbed your mustache or hair and pulled on it? You simply chuckle and love that child even more.
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