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Wife: (gasping) I feel horrible. I think I'm going to die. Call 911.
Husband: That costs too much. I'll pray for you instead.
Wife Don't bother. Prayer doesn't work.
Husband: How can you be so sure?
Wife: Well, you're still breathing, aren't you?
I used to be an atheist. I gave it up. They have no holidays.
Last night, I had a dream that I was with God and God sneezed. I didn't know what to say to Him.
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?" God answers, "To me, it's about a minute." "God, how much is a million dollars?" "To me, it's a penny." "God, may I have a penny?" "Wait a minute."
Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'! There's no paper on this side either!"
A husband and wife are in church. The preacher notices that the husband has fallen asleep and says to the wife, “Wake your husband up!” The wife answers, “You're the one who made him fall asleep, you wake him up!”
Did you hear that Kraft Foods is building a new food processing plant in Israel. They are going to call it "Cheeses of Nazareth."
Q: What do you get when you cross a matzoh ball with LSD? A: A trip to Israel.
Q: Why did the Chief Rabbi at the synagogue retire? A: He just couldn't "cut it" anymore.
Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
Don't let your worries get the best of you. Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Q: What kind of cheese melts on a piece of matza to make a Passover pizza? A: Matzarella.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I'm serious. That Israeli how he does it.
A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, "Acts 2:38: 'Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'" The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police. While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, "Gee buddy, you gave up pretty easily. How come you gave up so quickly?" The robber said, "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”
If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
Q: What kind of car does Jesus drive? A: A Christler.
Man "Bless me father for I have sinned, it has been a week since my last confession. This week I stole some wood."
Priest: "Say five Hail Marys and the Act of Contrition."
A week later the same man arrived at the same confessional.
Man "Bless me father for I have sinned, it has been a week since my last confession. This week I stole some wood."
Priest: "Again? Say ten Hail Marys and the Act of Contrition."
A week later...
Man "Bless me father for I have sinned, it has been a week since my last confession. This week I stole some wood."
Priest: "Again? Listen, do you know how to make a Novena?"
Man: "No, but if you got the plans, I got the lumber."
*******************
When the wise men came to pay homage to the newly born son of Joseph and Mary, the last one was tall and he cracked his head on a beam as he entered the manger. "Jesus H. Christ!" he yelled as he grabbed his head in his hands.
Mary looked up and said "You know, Joe, I think I like that better than Irving."
Jesus came upon a crowd of people preparing to stone a woman charged with adultery. He stepped into the center of the circle they had formed, looked each person in the eye and said:
"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
The members of the crowd grew ashamed. One by one the rocks dropped from their hands and they turned around and left. Just as the last one was exiting a large rock came flying in and smashed the adulteress in the skull. Jesus turned around and said:
"Damnit Mother! I was trying to make a point here."
Don't we already have a thread like this on the atheism forum?
But the jokes being submitted here (in the general-purpose "Religion and Spirituality" forum) might be contributed as well by religionists or spiritualists as well . . . of whatever persuasion. That is, if any among them can find it in themselves to have a sense of humor . . . even about their own investment in their particular faith or about faith-at-large. Or even about the world of non-belief/non-faith.
For instance, I earlier told a joke in this thread which lampoons atheism, saying: "I used to be an atheist. I gave it up. They have no holidays." Or I've told the following joke to various Christian believers and clergy (even of the conservative and evangelical bent) and they heartily laughed: "I had a dream last night that I was with God and God sneezed. I didn't know what to say to Him!". On the other hand, I told that same joke to a cashier behind a convenience store counter (when I was a Christian believer myself at the time) and she said "I don't ever joke about God!" (she impressed me as being a a Jehovahs's Witness or perhaps a Southern Baptist). I said "I see. So God doesn't have a sense-of-humor Himself? Then where did our own sensibilities and inclination to being humorous and finding humor in life come from?" And she said "Well, umm ... I guess. I don't know ...". She just seemed so utterly uptight and stuck up. Look, the great majority of my humor is self-deprecating humor (i.e., making fun of myself and therefore having people laugh at me). For instance, about my weight, I can say "I stood on a scale this morning. A card came out and said 'One at a time!") or, about my romantic life and travails, I can say "I gave this one lady a call. She said 'Come on over. There's nobody home'. I went over. There was nobody home!" You see, I can & do make fun of myself. So the God of all creation can't find it in Himself to find humor in life, even if it is humor involving Himself (such as my joke about God sneezing)? If God can't ever have a sense of humor and lightheartedness, then I don't want to know Him. OK? None of my humor is ever meant to be mean-spirited or debasing/demeaning of others. I would just as soon prefer to make fun of myself (which I do). For that is my character. So, being humorous for me is a reflection of taking JOY in life (even with all its trials and tribulations). So the purported or actual "God of all creation" is adverse to me taking joy in the life that He gave me or gave us (and my expressing and sharing this joy through humor)? It appears that that is how some (but not all) religionists think, such as the female cashier at the convenience store.
Herbert was a deeply religious man who believed strongly in God and honoring him.
One way he did this was a Sunday walk along a mountain path following the weekly 8:00 a.m. mass that he attended. Herbert greatly enjoyed this weekly walk as he could enjoy all of the gifts of nature God provided while thinking about that week's sermon that was just given.
Herbert always felt these walks were when he was closest to God.
One Sunday after a week of torrential downpours, Herbert stepped in a slippery mossy area near the edge and he fell off the side of the cliff. Miraculously Herbert managed to catch a branch of tree that was growing off the side of the mountain and stopped himself from certain death. Unfortunately he was now hanging about 300 feet up in the air with no way to climb up or down.
So Herbert did the logical thing and began to call for help. He called and shouted and prayed. He believed God would save him. He was certain of it. Turns out he had a reason to be as an answer came via a big booming voice from the sky:
"Hello Herbert. This is God. I hear you and will help you. If you want to get out of the situation you are in all you need to do is follow my instructions: Let go of that branch."
Herbert thought for a moment and then called out, "Is anybody else up there?!"
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