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Old 02-12-2008, 03:15 PM
 
7 posts, read 11,331 times
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I used to go to church when I was younger, Usualy between 3/4 days a week, On a sunday I would go twice, Once for the morning service then again on the evening as they had a fellowship for the youth. On a monday I would go to an organisation called ancher boy's/boy's brigade/company section (each of these was the same organisation just for different age catagories). on a tuesday I went to an organisation called TNT (tuesday night things) wich was like a bible study for the youth along with various activities. On a friday once/twice a month they would hold a bible study group at different peoples homes. Being only young I was already undergoing persicution from my peers along with my family, such things including eggs and flour over the car and on the windows of our home, Paint graffitied on our front room windows, Obscene notes left on the car and obscene/threatning notes through our home letter box. Ok the car and the windows are only material posessions as you might call it and I can understand that and in a way words (alledgidly) are of no consoquence.
My family where not the richest of people to start with. We drove around in an old austin maxi (it got us from A-B) however to us it was a car. I would not like to say how long ago this was as I have tried to forget it and move on as a person, I can remember at one point it did get slightly worse (not as bad as things in my life did get) and that was when I was blessed with exema all over my body (mainly in the creases) I did have it bad on my hands but worse on my feet resulting to me having to wear open toed sandles and I feel I dont need to say anymore as you know that was just a recipe for disaster.
When I was younger we used to live near a park wich was ideal for me as it was a place to escape from what was happening, it was nice.
One thing I thought was to my advantage until on day I was walking back home when I was confronted by about 15 youths (some of them agressors and some just associating with them) however it got to the point where they had grabbed me and one of them gave me a dead leg, they dragged me to the local play park, They tied me to a swing with safety ties (I panached) (well even to the onlooker it was still inocent enough) then left me, After a while I was able to snap them (to this day I dont know where the strength came from but that is what I did) I started to head out but in order to do this I had to pass the youth's in question as they where nearby the enterance/exit, As I tried to pass they grabbed me again but this time they took me into the small childrens section and again with the safety ties they tied me to a roundabout and span me round (harmless I know) once the roundabout had stopped (I was dissorientated) they stripped me of my clothes and threw them around the playpark spitting into my socks and underwear, some of my clothes even ended up on the parks cafeteria roof (ok so up to now I have endured over the years mental torture, degraiding and humilliation) again after my orientation came back I was able to snap the ties by rubbing them against the steel frame handles they where attached to and pulling my arms away (it took a while but I done it) I then had to gather my clothes from the playpark climb onto the roof of the cafe to get the remaining clothes then get back home as soon as I could (before this the youth's had moved on) not wanting to cross there path again I tried to cross behind trees and shrubs (enclosing a miniture golf course) but what do you know (it must have been fate) they where there, The people that I wanted to avoid where there in front of me yet again, This time they surrounded me enclosing me in a circle, two of them descided it would be humerous to spray me with aerosol (well at least I smelt nice) they where all laughing at me as I started to cry, To top of the events a few of them put lighters to me and set me on fire and laughed even harder as I ran away covered in flames, I dropped to the floor as soon as I could and rolled over the grass to try and extinguish the flames, Hearing the bellows of laughter I ran home crying my little eyes out (understandable).
when I got home the police where informed but guess what? they could'nt do anything as all the youth's were under 16 however the incodent did go to tribuneral and I got a whopping £25 to cover the cost of my clothes that had been scorched by the flames (life is so just is'nt it).
Well now time to start again and explain a little bit more about me, My school was a few miles away so I used to use the school bus and it got to the point where I could not use it anymore as I could not take the beatings any more. Garuentie'd I was going home no less than once a week with blacked eyes or servier facial bruising bumps and lumps to the skull etc.
I found the same was happening when I was walking to and from school (the name target must of somehow become ascociated with me) anyhow after fighting a loosing battle with the school teacher's my mother descided it would be safer for me if I no longer attended school so in my just before my 3rd year started it was aranged that I attended school still but for 2hrs a day 2 days a week,
I was able to go into school when my peers where already in the lessons and come home before school finished, I was also able to finish the lesson slightly early so people would not see me as they exchanged lessons.
Anyhow on a lighter note when I was not at school a person that had known me since just after I was born was posted a job at the local park and I used to help him as a volounteer, Not long after, he had made an aquaintence that worked on the golf course (this bit get's good) the person that I knew, knew the person that worked on the golf's wife, his wife in turn also recognised me as we where from the same church and she knew my parents, to cut a long story short (as if I can do that now lol) I also started to help him on a weekend, so in respect mon-fri I was assisting the person I knew and on a weekend I was helping the person he knew, everything was good and was only to get better, After some time had passed the person I knew got moved possition to the golf, so I was now assisting volenteraly mon-sun 9-5 at the golf march-october (it was only seasonal work). over time some of the peers that had bullied me over the years and some new faces started to hang around the golf during the season when it was open (at first I felt intimidated and scared but safe because of the two friends I had and they stood for no noscence fro anyone) anyhow one day one of them aproached put the money on the counter and went for a round of golf with some of his mates (the others stayed at the side) when they had finished it was my appointed job to collect in the clubs and balls when people had finished (I was nervous about having to do this but I knew I had to face my fears so even though I was told I did not have to do it but in this case I felt I had to so I did (nothing was said between us all I just retrieved the club and balls and they went on there way). The weekend after a few of them paid and a slightly larger group went round the course, it went on like this for a few weeks then one day I had to break the silence (and the scoffing that I was overhearing as they where going past) when they came to hand in there equiptment I asked them if they would like another round as we were not to busy, there was a bit of a hessitation and look's passed between the group then someone piped up and said "howay then" so they had the second round of golf, This time only a few (but a few is better than none) nodded in acknowlagemant, As time moved on I was getting more responses from the group I just had to be patient and let time take its course (then I got daring) the ones that I got on with more I started to invite them to one or two of the church youth groups I was attending (not to convert them but to let them see my life wasn't that much different to there's I just did not have the wealth they posessed) it did take some convincing but eventualy they tried. (a few of them were attending with me for a quite a few months) I started to notice a difference in the youth groups attitude towards me and the people I was attending with (it is not because they where doing anything wrong and that is what I dont understand) yes the youth might have been attending the church for years and there family's even longer but that in my opinion gave them no right to single off into groups and leave us as outsiders. (I was already a drifter in the youth, I had no particular set of people that I favoured in fact I was not realy that much of an outgoing person I was just there learning and there if people wanted to talk I would listen, I would speak if spoken to and answer if I was asked) during the teachings I understood that we were all equil in the eyes of the lord, that we should forgive one another and to love thy neighbour (was I the only one listning) the attitude of the youth remained like this for some time and I felt it was not the place for me anymore. As time moved on my church going days were dwindeling as I was starting to notice that what was been preached was not been acted upon.
I started to spend less time at church and more time associating with the group of people that used to torture and torment me, we used to hang over the park (around tea time) mainly playing football or fishing but again as time moved on I wanted to start being what they would class as normal (the path to destruction) I was loosing my faith and I needed something to fill the void so I started to stay out later with the group (which was slowly growing in numbers) I started smoking and drinking (it was only light so I thought it was ok just as an experiment to see how the other half lived, so to speak) over time it gradualy became more of each that I was consuming but that leaves for another part of my life another day (AN OPEN MIND part2) for now take care.
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Old 02-12-2008, 03:49 PM
 
Location: Florida
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thanks for your story.
waiting for part two.
(the suspense is killin me)
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Old 02-13-2008, 03:19 AM
 
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Question AN OPEN MIND part2

I had started on the road of sin (Re:AN OPEN MIND part1) I had become impressionable and subject to desire, I was wanting to do things that I had never before expeienced. I was enjoying the feeling of being intoxicated it was almost like an escape to the past trouble's in my life, All of a sudden I seemed to have a mind and heart of feeling (maybe not as in the way I used to persieve things) I had been writing from about the age of 8/9 but the way in wich I was able to write now felt more of a mature person and the topics varied allot more (h t t p : / / paramountshadowuk81.spaces.live.com/) I was experiencing feelings for the opposite sex. Over the few years I had stumbled upon a few relationships (14 onwards) but I found that they were failing, What could I do to make them last longer? (I did crave the companionship) by the age of 16 I was in yet another relationship and I felt it was time to make the relationship special (and maybe that way it would last) therefor I felt it was time to express my feelings in one's closeness (we became intimate) I knew I was not the best looking person, In fact far from it (I was dooped into thinking that if I treat her right she would be the one) and I thought being intimate was the way forward, I was wrong, I descovered that she was being intimate with someone else. we had an on/off relationship due to this but I could only take things working this way for so long (I was unrealistic in my way of thinking but I still gave people the benefit of the doubt as I was a walkover) It had happened before and it was happening again even though I was trying to do things differently. This did go on for some time with different partners (not all of them cheated on me though, things just didn't work out in the relationship sense but we parted on good terms). During the series of relationships I was drinking more and more just to become oblivious to the pain I was feeling during and after each one.
There was on person that was more to me than all the rest but with me being me I had to hurt before I got hurt as the time barrier was fast aproaching (the reason I say that is every time I started a new relationship I was able to give it a time limit, It was not often I was wrong) After we had parted (yes she was upset but still we parted on good terms) I decided to take a break from relationships (I was single for just over 2 years) as there was to much emotional strain (saying that though I am now married with children but that is for AN OPEN MIND part3). During the course of heavy smoking and drinking and failing relationships I was ending up somehow being council for my peers (AN OPEN MIND part1) as I seemed to be going through so much and so fast (it was almost like I was attracting events to me) they where coming to me with there problems and needing guidence and wanting to know my opinion as my knowlage was somehow growing (so was my reputation with the police, if anything went wrong mine was the first house they visited, they seemed to have a vendeta against me, the best thing is though I wasn't doing anything wrong I was the person trying to guide people away from what they were doing, obviously I couldnt stop everything but I tried to do as much as I could) I was starting to gain my peers respect and confidence however due to me having a high profile with the police the parents of the peer's could not stand me (they didn't know that I was taking the blame for what thier children where doing, they didn't know of the full picture, all they new is that I drunk heavily, smoked heavily and had a reputation with the police, the parents didn't have a clue as to what was really happening) they thought I was a bad influence on thier children (like they new the truth) Later on in my life (not long before I left home) we where over the park I was there along with the large group of people (there must have been 35/40 of us all parked in the golf course) A few of them had decided to smash some windows (not knowing that a parent of another child was passing by and whitnessed the incodent) sure enough that night the police came to my door (I knew which people had gone off but I was not certain of who comitted the crime) I did actualy hope that there was still time to change these people as I was doing so well with the other's so I did mention that the group was large and too notice who wasn't there would be impossible (the police did not have a name to go off so instead they said "we are keeping a close eye on you" I found it best to keep quiet) in the end the parent did approach me (a singe mother that detested me) and asked why the police had not been to the culprits house, (I played on that I knew nothing about it but she new I did) she later asked things that her son had been involved in (and he was in quite allot) I had to say I couldn't think of anything off the top of my head, she did thank me for keeping her son out of trouble with the police and she appologised for miss-judging me for all these years (it took allot for her to do this and I respected the words she had said) she did try to talk to a few other parent's about me but some people just cant be convinced (at the end of the day though if I know the truth and can live with it then that is enough for me) I continued to give my peers advice and council (some continued to take it and other's didn't) untill I left home.
most of the people that I have helped with guidence and advice have now understood what I was trying to explain to them and are doing well (keeping out of trouble, working etc) but some just couldn't be helped (you cant help someone truely if they are not willing to accept it) some of them are quite i'll now with the usage of class A drugs etc and I feel heartly sorry for them, soetimes I feel as if i didn't do all that I could.
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Old 02-13-2008, 04:30 AM
 
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Very interesting shadow..I hope this is going to have a happy ending..
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Old 02-13-2008, 10:33 AM
 
Location: Florida
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And as Paul Harvey is famous for saying;

"And now you know the RESSssT of the story"
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Old 02-13-2008, 01:25 PM
 
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Question AN OPEN MIND part3

Well here I am at 26 years of age, married and with children.
I met my wife nearly 7 years ago (in the august we met 2001).
I met her when I was working at the local golf course (you might remember this mentioned in AN OPEN MIND part1 (at this time I was working 3 jobs) the way it worked is she and her friend had brought their children to the park for a day out and for something different for the children to do.
when they where nearly finished the round of golf her friend came over and said that her friend (my now wife) had taken an interest in me and could she have my number (by the way this story is eventful so please keep reding as it is not the happy love story that you think it is so far) Obviously I had been single for some time (AN OPEN MIND part2) so was nervous and all I could do was smile.
Her friend went back to finish the game of golf and they came to hand in there clubs whereby something was said and I answered back with sarcasm, the lady to be my wife took a swing at me with one of the clubs (out of humer) I stepped back, tripped over a bucket (that was holding the quiosk gate open) and finished off by falling into the nearby hedge (life's just a joke isn't it) after I pulled myself together I clambered out of the bushes and offered them another game and they accepted.
during the second round I had to work in the quiosk (as at a certain time the cash had to be taken to a nearby office) and sure enough they returned when I was on my own (I had my numbers wrote down and ready so that they could go and I didn't endure anymore embarasment) they handed in their clubs etc and away they went.
I didn't think she would call since I gave them two numbers and told them my name was shadow, anyhow sure enough they did call from just outside the nearby cafe and things went from there.
After plenty of texts we started to phone each other at our home numbers and by the end of the week our first date was arranged.
On our first date I took my closest friend (who I knew when I used to go to church, one of the people I worked with) we met at a retail park pub and I did not speak that much, in fact my friend done the talking whilst I sat there quiet and drank.
We stayed there for a while then she offered to take us to near where she lived so we could meet one of her friend's (my friend and hers where single and this was so he could be occupied in conversation with her friend so that I would have to speak.
We went but the same happened, I sat there quiet and drank. As the night came to an end she had to go to pick up her son from the babysitters before she could take us home (at this point I did not drive) (just a little note though, she only had coke to drink) eventualy she took us to her house (I needed to rush to the bathroom) she let me enter her home whilst my mate and her child waited at the car just outside and she waited in the doorway, on the way down I new I had to do something (and because I had a bit to drink I felt a little more confident) I stopped in front of her and gazed into her eye's, I lent forward and kissed her (this kiss was so passionate I never wanted to let her out of my arms).
she dropped me and my friend at my friends flat, I asked her if I could keep her jacket (because it smelt of her perfume) she asked why, I replied "to ensure that I will see you again when you come to collect it from me (wich was also my other reason) she agreed.
After some time had passed the urge came to us to become intamate and we did. It was so special as I had not felt this feeling for so long. Not long later we discovered she was pregnent with my child and that is when things started to get tough.
My now wife had fallen pregnent to someone before and he said he wanted nothing to do with the baby when it came and he also denied to other's that it was his, understandably she was torn appart, she had to go through pregnency, labour and birth without the father of the child, all she had was her family but she had to move out as there was not the room in her parents house.
She had been living just her and her son for 6 years and it was an uphill struggle all the way, she was working part time to try and make ends meet, using loans etc to try and buy for him (as there was only her part time income) Christmas was expensive as he was a christmas day baby.
Worries of how things had been so far she didn't believe we had been together long enough to start a family as she feared I would not stick around (saying that it was only 2 month) I tried my hardest to convince her.
I gave up two of my jobs and moved in with her (I kept my full time job for financial security) I was trying to put in overtime to show her that I would be a provider for her and both of the children.
It was not enough because as she said "this is now, what about then" I could see her concern.
As much as it crushed me inside she had an abortion (I didn't agree with it but I had to respect where she was in her life at that time, she didn't want to be left on her own with two children).
In 2004 she fell pregnent again (the last time was in 2001 so now we have been together 3 years) I took up driving again as I felt this would be to my advantage (I failed twice before) and I passed, I even took on a nightime job to bring in some extra money for the child coming along. Together we bought the house we where residing in, Everything was going well.
As time moved closer to the due day I knew I had to change jobs to be closer to home, I found a job that works 4 on 12.5 hrs a day and 4 off (which is ideal for family time) I even finished my nightime job (as the times clashed) we started to get work done on the house.
Builders, plumbers, skimmers one by one where letting us down, with only a few days to go we where in the middle of getting the work done.
On the day we went to the hospital we where just getting the electrics started (I swear it was like a snowball when someone turns up late it slows everyone else down as the jobs have to be done in an order and that is why we where still getting the work done) when we were at the hospital they started doing tests, they could not find our son's heartbeat no matter how hard they tried.
we were taken to a room away from the delivery suite where delivery still had to be made.
Cameron was born still (his umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck three times) This felt worse than all the events in AN OPEN MIND part1+2 combined.
That night I held his hand all night (the staff had put us into a berievment room) one hand holding onto my fiancee and the other on to my sons tender hand, the child that I had waited so long for. I am having to stop writing about this now as I am crying i'm sorry.

I will write more (AN OPEN MIND part4) soon

If you got this far then thankyou for continuing to read
take care
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Old 02-13-2008, 01:51 PM
 
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Aw Shadow just when I think your life is great, you have such a terrible tragedy..Come on, tell us it's better now..
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Old 02-13-2008, 04:18 PM
 
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Default In anticipation of Part 4...

Shadow-

No doubt as painful as it is to recount these events, I can't help but wonder whether there also isn't something incredibly healing about doing so. Words are incredibly powerful.

Sometimes we just need to speak...

Along with being listened to!

Take gentle care,
-June
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Old 02-14-2008, 10:14 AM
 
Location: PA
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Shadow,

Finish your story. Let us know how things have turned out until now. Then we can talk about your life.

Thanks,
Nikk
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Old 02-14-2008, 07:49 PM
 
7 posts, read 11,331 times
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Question AN OPEN MIND part4

Before me and my wife got married there was events.

We had gone to spain (the first time her and her son had ever been abroad (in them days I had savings) for a holliday ( her dream was to be proposed to in abroad) This I done, At the poolside just before we where going to leave I proposed to her and she accepted (It was her dream) and became emotional.
When we got back home she could talk of nothing else, and that is the way it was for a few years to come.
During then and the time we got married things had happened.
1) just after our son had died I got pulled for drink driving when I had hit an all time low (this I am most diffinatley not proud of) Everything I had aimed for was to be taken away from me within moment's (parenthood had been taken away from me(twice) a job at a distance(finance) and my family was miles away (etc).
2)I was told that I needed major open brain surgery (no this is not humer) I had a cyst just below the brain that was forcing the brain into my skull, I was told 2 things, This opperation could either leave me with serious brain damage or could lead to death (they only had mm to work around my spine and nervous system) That was when I made the promise to my fiancee " If I do somehow make it I will marry you, I know we dont have the money but I will find a way" so to me a promise I make is set in stone.
3)We alraedy had a baby girl when I went in for my major opperation but we where also expecting another (oh thats nice you might say) but there was complications on my fiancees part ( I had only been out of surgery and hospital about 2 weeks before my fiancee went into hospital) she was enimic and badly ( just with what was happening to me had put her in the state she was in) after a few blood transfusions she gave birth and we had another baby girl.
4) her son (wich I class as my own) our son was just due to start senior school and he was having problems (speach and laungage and bullying) It just seemed that things where never going to stop,
5) then came the big day,we got married (we thought our problems where over as we had got to the point we where at).
My sister went on the hen night of my wife ( she is special need's) and something happened and someone was degraiding her (she new she was special needs) and it just so happened she was at the wedding night.
As the night went on I had allot to drink (please take into account that I am a very timid person) At the end of the night I told her that she knew my sister was the way she was and she didn't have to go on the way she did and also that I didn't like her because of this.
Ihad went to the room but my new wife was asleep ( what was I to do) I needed some thing to eat.
I found a pizza shop and placed an order, who should walk in not long after but the girl I had had the dissagreament with and her partner.
Anyhow me being me did'nt say nothing about what had happened between me and his girlfriend (as he gave me no inclination that he new) and offered to buy them somthing to eat and drink ( them being who they were accepted) we started to walk back and nothing was wrong untill we got outside the hotel (we had paid for the family to stay as they where complaining that they could not drink and get back home (thats nice) and it was to expensive for taxis) then events took place (I nearly had a fight with my brother in law) he couldn,t understand her being in the wrong even though I tried to explain to him his attitude was I had no right to say to his girlfriend (that he is unhappy with anyway and this I know because he has told me (in front of her as well) that I didn't like her.
They told me they would never speak to me again. A few months had passed and it was his birthday (we had not spoke since the wedding night) I gave my deepest appologies ( I dont like people hating me) and I gave him some money, He said "forget about whats happened it's in the past" to this day he has never spoken to me again (since he has had the money) hmm>
Today me and my wife where shopping, his girlfriend spoke to my wife but made it clear to me she was ignoring me (she was in the wrong, move on get over it) never mind these things happen,
By now I am used to poeple punishing me for the way they are (as I have explained in AN OPEN MIND 1/2/3) YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE or so the saying goes (I will explain more in AN OPEN MIND part 5)

take care and once again
thankyou for the interest you have shown
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