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Of course you should let her be. This level of involvement is your thing, not hers. Married people need to have the freedom to choose how they want to spend their time and how they don't.
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Originally Posted by P.Webster
I was born and raised in the church just like my wife. We're both in our early 50s and have been together for some 20 years. When my wife and I met she began attending my home church because she liked it. We married and remained there. I was, what you might call, one of the pastor's right hand men. He and I were really good friends and there was talk of me becoming a deacon in the church. I was already a church trustee, youth advisor, and the church's sunday school superintendent so I have always worked in the church and loved it. After some mis-management on the pastor's behalf a number of the church members began leaving. We got down to only 1 deacon, my dad, until he finally left the church himself due to his health. He began attending church with my mom for those reasons. The pastor, after another year or so asked me to go through the training to become a deacon in our church and denomination but when the day of training and testing came up I was never asked to attend the meeting even though I had been given the things I needed to study from the pastor. I kept calling and texting the pastor asking when should I make myself available and all he would say was "I'll let you know." He never did. My wife and I decided at that point that it was now time to part ways and find a new ministry. After about a year we ended up at a church which was the denomination my wife was raised in. Her mother, my mother-in-law, suggested to attend one of their churches and we fell in love with it. A few years ago we decided to join.
Having come from from a church where I was always doing something and was always in the forefront of things I was determined that this time I was just going to sit down and just enjoy the service. That lasted all of 6 months before we became active. We were placed on the pastoral care team and my wife even sung on the choir a few times. A little more than a year ago the pastor asked me to become a deacon. It was an honor to me. I didn't have to go through the testing at this church as I did at my last church so I graciously accepted and I do now have the title and work along side of the other deacons. A title I do not take lightly. I am willing to do whatever is asked of me to promote and support the ministry. The church sold its current property and have been looking for a new location for about a year now. We are in a temporary location which is just a few miles from where we live so anytime someone needs access to the building I'm asked to go over and open the doors and unlock the gate or what have you. If something needs fixing in the church they call on me because I am very handy with tools and things. And with the recent pandemic everything was done virtually until recently when we began having in-person services again. Last year I was asked to work on the church's and the pastor's anniversary which ended up being a very formal affair at a local hotel. Tuxedos and ball gown type of formal affair. I was even asked to speak at the celebration.
Here's the reason for me posting this. Even though we do in-person Sunday services and stream them live
online each week we still do totally virtual Bible Study on Wed nights where everyone logs into zoom. My wife doesn't like being on zoom bible study. She's an introvert and would rather just sit and listen. Back before the pandemic hit and we went to the church for Wed night bible study they broke the groups up into men and women. The pastor took the men to one part of the church and the first lady kept the women in the sanctuary. At some point my wife told me that the first lady asked her to stand and speak on a particular topic. She said she did but didn't like being asked to stand up and speak. I guess there were probably maybe 10 or 15 other women in the group that night. So she's never been back, especially on nights when we do gender specific bible study. Now that we do zoom B.S. I'll plug my laptop into our big screen TV in our living room and log in. I am usually on camera along with a number of other members who are also logged in. My wife doesn't like being on camera so she'll usually sit on the sofa out of camera and watch and listen that way. The entire time she's playing on her phone, doing a Bingo game on Facebook, or walking around the house, maybe doing laundry or something like that. Last night during Bible Study the pastor did something he's done in the past. He'll break those attending into different rooms and assign a leader to discuss a topic then after a certain time everyone will rejoin the main group on zoom and discuss. Each time he'll assign a leader to facilitate each group. Last night he asked me to be the group leader. Again, I have no problem doing that. When they split the groups and we went into the private discussions my wife got up, left the room, and didn't come back until right at the end of Bible study. She camped out in the bedroom. And since she never actually logs in herself they didn't even know she was listening. They're probably thinking my wife never logs in. There are a number of married couples in the church and either they'll log in and sit on camera together or they'll both log in individually but you typically see both on the call. My wife sat in with me the first time we did zoom Bible study but after that she just sits off camera. I'm not saying she's gotta be as visible or even as vocal as me but what bothered me the most is that when I was assigned a group it was like she left the room to keep from me asking her to join in or contribute to the conversation. She seems to even have an issue when I get called to go to the church for any reason. She doesn't have to do everything I do or even be a part of it but I have a hard time getting her to understand that sometimes I have to do things for the church which takes time away from her. We even do corporate prayer each morning at 6 AM and every morning someone is assigned to lead the prayer. The members call in each morning to the prayer line and are lead in prayer by a person. I get assigned to lead about once every other month or so. My wife loves to jump in the shower right at 6 but on the days when I lead prayer she can't give me the 10 minutes or so to join in on the call. Typically when she finishes her shower she'll call into the prayer line while the person leading is finishing up. So she never hears the full prayer, not even when I do it. Yes, I 've discussed it with her. "Is one morning taking a later shower going to hurt you?" She refuses because that's her daily routine. I've even asked if she could just wake up 10 minutes earlier and again she refuses.
Am I asking for too much or should I just let her be?
I don't see how this is about his image or ego. He's just asking her to pay attention to Bible study if she wants him to put it up on the big TV and if she's not going to do it then he'll just set it up on his laptop for his viewing only.
Because she is a free human being with her own desires and interests, not her husband's. She can do what she pleases, and so can he. Obviously she doesn't think these activities are something she wants to participate in. So he needs to accept that and do them on his own. What would Jesus do? My guess is he would respect her wishes.
You guys are cruel. I thought this was the religious forum. You sound like a bunch of agonistic hypocrites. I guess I'm the only one who gets what he's saying. No, maybe she doesn't like being on a zoom camera so he's compromised and puts the bible study up on the TV so she can view it. She's not even paying attention to that so why should he keep making accommodations for her when she's not even interested? But as he said, the minute he doesn't set it up so she can view then she gets upset. This isn't a TV show she has just playing in the background while she's cooking or doing laundry.
But more importantly I take offense to the corporate prayer. If someone I cared that much about was asked to lead corporate prayer for the entire congregation once every other month or so I think I could adjust my schedule by 10 or 15 minutes once in a while to be on the call. And if not on the call I'd be standing right there holding their hands praying along with them. It too would **** me off if all I could get from you was the last couple of minutes of the prayer simply because you think getting in the shower at the same time everyday was more important. He never demanded or made her do anything. Sure, she doesn't like being on cam. At least she could sit there with her bible and follow along.
He asked how he could get HER to understand him when he should have been asking how to understand her. BTW, there are believers and non believers both posting on this thread. Yet there is agreement.
I think we may have scared the OP away with advice he didn't want to hear. How to you proceed when you can't get yourself out of the way to see clearly? Marriage isn't supposed to be about one person, and his/her preferences exclusively.
I think we may have scared the OP away with advice he didn't want to hear. How to you proceed when you can't get yourself out of the way to see clearly? Marriage isn't supposed to be about one person, and his/her preferences exclusively.
Too many people out there...religious or secular...who believe that if their 'significant other' doesn't wish to conform to their own beliefs, that there's something 'wrong' with them.
I like fried chicken. My significant other doesn't. Guess I have to try to figure out a way to 'get' my significant other to eat fried chicken...
I think we may have scared the OP away with advice he didn't want to hear. How to you proceed when you can't get yourself out of the way to see clearly? Marriage isn't supposed to be about one person, and his/her preferences exclusively.
I checked out some of his other posts. He gets tagged on a lot. The thread after his wife had a hysterectomy and didn't want to have sex was hilarious. His wife accused him of masturbating if there are too many dirty towels or missing lotion.
Have you shared the full extent of your feelings with your wife? It might be helpful to allow her to read your post here on CD or print out a copy so that you can both discuss this issue, which seems to be of great importance to you. Perhaps your wife is not fully aware of how greatly you desire her participation in this aspect of your life. I - as an agnostic- did not take your post to be about forcing your beliefs upon your wife (which would be distasteful) but more along the lines of your wanting to Share something that means a great deal to you with the closest person in your life. Talk to her respectfully, in a more in-depth manner.
With patience, full honesty and respect there is nothing that caring and supportive spouses cannot solve to their mutual satisfaction.
You guys are cruel. I thought this was the religious forum. You sound like a bunch of agonistic hypocrites. I guess I'm the only one who gets what he's saying. No, maybe she doesn't like being on a zoom camera so he's compromised and puts the bible study up on the TV so she can view it. She's not even paying attention to that so why should he keep making accommodations for her when she's not even interested? But as he said, the minute he doesn't set it up so she can view then she gets upset. This isn't a TV show she has just playing in the background while she's cooking or doing laundry.
But more importantly I take offense to the corporate prayer. If someone I cared that much about was asked to lead corporate prayer for the entire congregation once every other month or so I think I could adjust my schedule by 10 or 15 minutes once in a while to be on the call. And if not on the call I'd be standing right there holding their hands praying along with them. It too would **** me off if all I could get from you was the last couple of minutes of the prayer simply because you think getting in the shower at the same time everyday was more important. He never demanded or made her do anything. Sure, she doesn't like being on cam. At least she could sit there with her bible and follow along.
Probably so. "They", or rather he, have the same join date or month (May 2021). Check it out yourself, Posts #1 and #15.
I've seen that tactic before here, and it becomes very obvious.
Yes but why?
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