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Old 12-09-2022, 01:12 PM
 
63,224 posts, read 39,486,349 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LearnMe View Post
There is no question we humans are still dealing with the way(s) we evolved to best deal with ancient issues that are no longer present or relevant. Impulses and actions that promoted our survival, procreation, is one of many primary examples. Look at how far we have come in terms of changing our ways despite the same primal impulses that we're now called upon to control in ways not necessary or expected in the past. The list is long and varied with regard to "how we're built" versus proper modern-day acceptable behavior.
That is what the whole "belief in God" meme as reflected in the myriad religions was addressing, IMO. Unfortunately, it stopped evolving due to the concept of "heresy" to the primitive, superstitious, and irrational beliefs about the ancient interpretations, again IMO.
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Old 12-09-2022, 03:38 PM
 
Location: Somewhere out there.
10,461 posts, read 6,073,348 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LearnMe View Post
My wife sometimes tells me I am not picking up on the cues or vibes being given off by someone like she is able to detect. "Undercurrents" she picks up that I don't. A "woman's intuition?"

I find myself arguing, "no, she didn't mean that at all." Or no, "they're just having a bad day is all." Or, "I didn't get that vibe at all..."

Could be she is right sometimes. Maybe most of the time, but I'm never too sure if she isn't overly sensitive many of the times as well. What cues, vibes or undercurrents she's picking up that I'm not have more to do with where she is coming from rather than where they are coming from. Hard to tell most of the time anyway...
This all sounds very familiar. My husband really misses a lot of social cues. Back in the early days when he'd be saying something excruciating I'd squeeze his hand to try to signal him to stop but then he'd just express out loud 'what?', making the situation 10 times worse.
So I learned just to let him dig his own graves and accept him for who he is. He one of those scientist/ probably on some kind of autistic spectrum types. Sometimes I'll try to give him guidance but he gets super offended and takes it as criticism. Little does he know that 99 times out of a hundred I'm biting my tongue. That's marriage for ya.
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Old 12-09-2022, 03:48 PM
 
63,224 posts, read 39,486,349 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cruithne View Post
This all sounds very familiar. My husband really misses a lot of social cues. Back in the early days when he'd be saying something excruciating I'd squeeze his hand to try to signal him to stop but then he'd just express out loud 'what?', making the situation 10 times worse.
So I learned just to let him dig his own graves and accept him for who he is. He one of those scientist/ probably on some kind of autistic spectrum types. Sometimes I'll try to give him guidance but he gets super offended and takes it as criticism. Little does he know that 99 times out of a hundred I'm biting my tongue. That's marriage for ya.
My wife had the same role in our marriage. We would go to the same party or gathering and have completely different impressions of what happened there. I found myself saying "What? I didn't think she meant that!" or similar such denials. I eventually learned that women TEND to live in a very different social milieu from us males. I maintain that if a man is in a conversation with two or more women and thinks he knows what is being discussed, he is sadly mistaken!!!
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Old 12-09-2022, 03:50 PM
 
Location: Northeastern US
19,627 posts, read 13,198,153 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cruithne View Post
This all sounds very familiar. My husband really misses a lot of social cues. Back in the early days when he'd be saying something excruciating I'd squeeze his hand to try to signal him to stop but then he'd just express out loud 'what?', making the situation 10 times worse.
So I learned just to let him dig his own graves and accept him for who he is. He one of those scientist/ probably on some kind of autistic spectrum types. Sometimes I'll try to give him guidance but he gets super offended and takes it as criticism. Little does he know that 99 times out of a hundred I'm biting my tongue. That's marriage for ya.
Lol -- yes my wife learned not to kick or elbow me under the table because that's exactly what I do!

Gradually I have learned to just keep my yap shut. Being heard AND understood are Sysiphian tasks, anyway, especially verbally. I come across better in writing -- I have no idea if that says more about me or other people. My working theory is that most people are poor listeners but better readers, especially if you're trying to convey nuance or a complex concept. At least in environments like this anyway, which would tend to self-select for people who are more comfortable with writing than average.
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Old 12-09-2022, 04:17 PM
 
Location: minnesota
15,783 posts, read 6,156,950 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cruithne View Post
This all sounds very familiar. My husband really misses a lot of social cues. Back in the early days when he'd be saying something excruciating I'd squeeze his hand to try to signal him to stop but then he'd just express out loud 'what?', making the situation 10 times worse.
So I learned just to let him dig his own graves and accept him for who he is. He one of those scientist/ probably on some kind of autistic spectrum types. Sometimes I'll try to give him guidance but he gets super offended and takes it as criticism. Little does he know that 99 times out of a hundred I'm biting my tongue. That's marriage for ya.
I hear you! I suspect the spectrum is the culprit to my husband not getting things. He really doesn't seem to care tho so I have to be careful the things I suggest don't make him feel attacked. He has taken to heart the suggestion to reframe situations as well as fantazing about what could go right instead of focusing on the negative. I got snipped at for suggesting he do a gratitude practice with me. My dad calls my husband Sunshine.
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Old 12-09-2022, 05:19 PM
 
Location: Somewhere out there.
10,461 posts, read 6,073,348 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MysticPhD View Post
My wife had the same role in our marriage. We would go to the same party or gathering and have completely different impressions of what happened there. I found myself saying "What? I didn't think she meant that!" or similar such denials. I eventually learned that women TEND to live in a very different social milieu from us males. I maintain that if a man is in a conversation with two or more women and thinks he knows what is being discussed, he is sadly mistaken!!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by mordant View Post
Lol -- yes my wife learned not to kick or elbow me under the table because that's exactly what I do!

Gradually I have learned to just keep my yap shut. Being heard AND understood are Sysiphian tasks, anyway, especially verbally. I come across better in writing -- I have no idea if that says more about me or other people. My working theory is that most people are poor listeners but better readers, especially if you're trying to convey nuance or a complex concept. At least in environments like this anyway, which would tend to self-select for people who are more comfortable with writing than average.
Quote:
Originally Posted by L8Gr8Apost8 View Post
I hear you! I suspect the spectrum is the culprit to my husband not getting things. He really doesn't seem to care tho so I have to be careful the things I suggest don't make him feel attacked. He has taken to heart the suggestion to reframe situations as well as fantazing about what could go right instead of focusing on the negative. I got snipped at for suggesting he do a gratitude practice with me. My dad calls my husband Sunshine.
Haha! I love these posts. Turns out we all have a lot in common.
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Old 12-10-2022, 11:29 AM
 
29,339 posts, read 9,422,162 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cruithne View Post
This all sounds very familiar. My husband really misses a lot of social cues. Back in the early days when he'd be saying something excruciating I'd squeeze his hand to try to signal him to stop but then he'd just express out loud 'what?', making the situation 10 times worse.
So I learned just to let him dig his own graves and accept him for who he is. He one of those scientist/ probably on some kind of autistic spectrum types. Sometimes I'll try to give him guidance but he gets super offended and takes it as criticism. Little does he know that 99 times out of a hundred I'm biting my tongue. That's marriage for ya.
What you are describing doesn't sound like much about intuition that my comment was about...

That "sixth sense" some people like to claim as if they can pick up signals from somewhere that other people can't. I'm sure some people are more sensitive and aware of what is going on around them over others, but sometimes people want to suggest intuition involves more than it actually does.

Recognizing when someone is "digging their own grave" is different but another very interesting subject, because I don't know how many times I've wondered how someone can be so blind to how anti-social they are being. Or seemingly blind to the fact they are "rubbing people the wrong way." For no good or apparent reason. I too have cringed at a thing or two my wife has said over time. Prompting a gentle touch of my foot against hers under the table, and no doubt I've made others cringe about a thing or two I've said (or posted in this forum) over time. We've probably all been there one way or another, but I wouldn't call that intuition.

As a rule in any case, I try to be sensitive about such things. Try not to rub people the wrong way (unless they've got it coming) while other people I know can't seem to help themselves. My mother-in-law suddenly comes to mind...
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Old 12-10-2022, 11:32 AM
 
29,339 posts, read 9,422,162 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MysticPhD View Post
My wife had the same role in our marriage. We would go to the same party or gathering and have completely different impressions of what happened there. I found myself saying "What? I didn't think she meant that!" or similar such denials. I eventually learned that women TEND to live in a very different social milieu from us males. I maintain that if a man is in a conversation with two or more women and thinks he knows what is being discussed, he is sadly mistaken!!!
Reminds me of the old joke about how if God were a woman, we'd all be going to hell and none of us would know why.
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Old 12-10-2022, 11:37 AM
 
29,339 posts, read 9,422,162 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mordant View Post
Lol -- yes my wife learned not to kick or elbow me under the table because that's exactly what I do!

Gradually I have learned to just keep my yap shut. Being heard AND understood are Sysiphian tasks, anyway, especially verbally. I come across better in writing -- I have no idea if that says more about me or other people. My working theory is that most people are poor listeners but better readers, especially if you're trying to convey nuance or a complex concept. At least in environments like this anyway, which would tend to self-select for people who are more comfortable with writing than average.
My wife says I don't talk as much as I used to. Gee. I wonder why...

One thing I've often noted about the advantage of writing, in particular in this forum, is the clarity of what is written. All there in the record in black and white (at least for those of us who stick to black font). As a result, there is no talking over anyone. No talking louder than others or interrupting. No confusion about what was actually said. Even still there is confusion about what some people are wanting to convey with their comments, but at least we have what is written -- verbatim -- that can't be denied. I've always been very comfortable with writing too, so I suppose this forum works better for me than others not so inclined. No matter how good or bad my writing may be of course.
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Old 12-10-2022, 11:44 AM
 
29,339 posts, read 9,422,162 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by L8Gr8Apost8 View Post
I hear you! I suspect the spectrum is the culprit to my husband not getting things. He really doesn't seem to care tho so I have to be careful the things I suggest don't make him feel attacked. He has taken to heart the suggestion to reframe situations as well as fantazing about what could go right instead of focusing on the negative. I got snipped at for suggesting he do a gratitude practice with me. My dad calls my husband Sunshine.
I loved my father dearly. Now deceased, but among all his very positive traits, he had a way of saying some things that truly set off my wife in ways I found hard to believe or manage. He had a way of offering unsolicited advice that was all too often not appreciated. While otherwise I would say he was a very sensitive, intelligent, successful, warm-hearted caring husband and father, he too had a "blind spot" that sometimes rubbed people the wrong way.

I like to think those experiences have helped me with my family, and so far anyway it seems I haven't rubbed my kids or daughter-in-law in any such wrong way. We all get along quite well. In part, because I know better than to put my nose in their business where it doesn't belong. Also to keep it light. My father always loved to talk politics and would often complain of boredom if the conversation was not about domestic and/or world affairs. As a result, he'd often get just a little too "heavy" for others at the dinner table.
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