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I took care of my mom and dad as well as I could (from 5 hours away) when they became unable to take care of themselves..Sometimes I made the trip 3-4 times a week,not because I felt I had to or because my brother and sisters weren't interested in helping, but because I loved them..I have had neighbors whom I checked on and helped out who were not able to do some things for them selves because I felt a moral responsibility, but maybe it was more compassion then obligation.... I just could not stand to see them trying so hard to do things for themselves or cancelling appointments because they could no longer drive. If we come to the aid of our loved ones or neighbors, I think we do mostly do it out of compassion or love, and do not expect anything in return..The grateful smiles and tears of relief are the greatest rewards..Some of us are not able to help out in a very large way financially, but there are other things we can do..As Troop said sometimes a nursing home is the best choice for some situations..In that case.if there are no resources such as a home or savings as was the situation we encountered with my Dad we had to apply for medicaid to pay what medicare wouldn't at that time. for my Dad who outlived mom by several years...We did not have to pay for anything because we just turned all their assets over to the nursing home..
Right in there with you blue... I really never thought of it being an obligation or ethical or even moral.. when you love it is a part of the heart!
I lost my mother three years ago... gave up my business to come and care for her.. and wasn't even a second thought if I should or should not. Plus my mom had all things taken care of in her elder years and also before her death and so there was no strain on siblings and myself...
As for my dad, my step mom is doing a wonderful job at caring for him. I do help her when she has a need and calls for help. She is a few years younger than my dad, so she is very capable of caring for him. But if she becomes needful I would and will be there for her and him without a second thought.
And actually I really feel this way about anyone, friend, family, whomever!! If I'm capable and able I will be there for them.
That's a tough question. On the one hand, I still feel the ethical and moral responsibility to take care of my parents, because that's the way I was raised, to take care of family, (I had no problem with taking care of my mother-in-law, and my grandmother). On the other hand, we haven't laid eyes on one another in 28 years, (I was 19, the last time I ever saw them), and since they made it emphatically clear, (about three years ago), that they did not wish to have any further contact with me, nor I with them, it would make it a bit difficult to look out after them. They would absolutely refuse any help from me, even if I did offer it.
We felt it was right 2 care 4 my hubby's grandma.She pretty much raised him,&she may as well been Mom 2 me(I lived w/her 4 16+yrs,before+after she got alzeimers.It got harder towards the end.Somedays she would B fine,just needing me 2 help her bath,dress,fix her meals etc.,& I always told her when she would thank me"don't worry about it,I know U would do the same for me."We became close.We found out she had cancer 5 days before Christmas,she came home w/Hospice care on Christmas eve ...
As I was saying,It was very difficult,I had just had my last son 2 months before this,but she did not want 2 die N the hosp.,so we respected her wishes.I felt it was the least we could do,for all she had done 4 us over the yrs.She died at the end of Dec.,it was devistating!,I had prob. 4 a long time.But if asked 2 do it over,I would becuase I loved her&now I have that peace of mind knowing we did what was right.Yes it was a sacrifice of ourselves,but it was the responsibleðical thing 2 do.
June's mother fell and broke her hip over the weekend. She is also half way through chemotherapy, so her health is not well. She also lives by herself, in the home she has owned for 50 years; the home June grew up in...Upon phoning my brother to let him know what had transpired, he immediately made the decision that she would live out the rest of her life in a nursing home; hopped in his car, and drove the 6 hours to Connecticut to make sure that he could convey (in no uncertain terms!) to the surgeon and the hospital personnel how he felt our mother's care, future, and his wishes around that were to be enforced. General Patton would have been proud of my brother.
June, on the other hand, takes a bit of a different approach: That of listening to what our mother wants. --Even though June suspects that her mother's hopes and desires maybe somewhat unrealistic, she nonetheless will patiently hear her mother out in expressing what she wants. For years now, June's brother has been adamant to get our mother into an assisted living situation. -Which would be fine, but for the fact that she has clearly expressed the fact that she does not want that. June is fully aware of the fact that our mother still plans on eventually returning to her home of 50 years once she has recovered. June is also fully aware of the fact that her brother has a far different agenda and plan for our mother. -And thus, the saga commences...
June has no idea what the future will realistically hold for her mother. June also suspects that General Patton and the Empathic Pacifist will have a number of conversations regarding it, though. But no matter what her mother's health and well being should require, June knows this much:
Elderly parents are not objects. They are not entities to be strategized. Their age and the condition of their health do not negate either their autonomous will, or their voices. -And their voices should be heard, honored to the best of our ability to do so, and done so with respect.
I had another aunt living in my home town in Montana who was a very independent and strong willed woman who lived to be 92 but the last decade or so of her life was very difficult due to ailing health. I had told June about an incident when she fell down the basement steps and broke multiple bones and it was about two days before my Mother even knew there was anything wrong and happened to find her laying on the cold concrete floor. She was also determined to live in her own home but at some point it was obvious even to her that she just physically couldn't do that anymore and was put into a nursing home. She and her husband who had died many years earlier were like a second set of parents as we were growing up and myself and my sisters were very close to them. I do understand the need to respect their needs and wishes even when they become unrealistic. Senior citizens don't deserve to be warehoused into an uncaring environment just because they're no longer able to take care of themselves. They need our support and love.
When I first moved to Missoula Montana to attend the University I spent several months with another aunt who ran a very small nursing home with maybe six or seven seniors living there. I had a little room of my own but remember that there was an elderly woman who was blind and her room was close to mine. I recall that in the night I could often hear her crying in her room by herself. It was very sad and it bothered me. I don't think we can really grasp the misery that many elderly people find themselves in as they approach the ends of their lives and I think they deserve some compassion and understanding.
Elderly parents are not objects. They are not entities to be strategized. Their age and the condition of their health do not negate either their autonomous will, or their voices. -And their voices should be heard, honored to the best of our ability to do so, and done so with respect.
This is so true!!! They need their dignity!!
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I don't think we can really grasp the misery that many elderly people find themselves in as they approach the ends of their lives and I think they deserve some compassion and understanding.
I have done home caring and this also is so true. If this thread will touch many hearts for the compassion for the elderly, who are lonely and all by themselves.
And they truly do feel they have been forgotten!!! That is an awful place to be and think for anyone!!!
[quote=curlythecosmo;5195773]This is so true!!! They need their dignity!!
Just a word about "dignity".. This word is so very important to me. Most of you know that I am sorta , well...old.. Being older does not mean that I am senile, cannot carry on an intelligent conversation or cannot speak for myself..Often times when I am in public, people tend to call me sweetie, sugar, etc..It is not so much the names, as it is the condescending "baby talk"..I have not regressed to babyhood, where babytalk makes me give you a "toothless" grin..Hold on, I still have about all my teeth, but you understand what I am saying..One of my Drs, never learned anything but broken English, I can't understand a word he says..One of my daughters works often with him at the hospital, so she goes with me to interpret..He seldom looks at me, except to say hello. He talks to my daughter and does not give her time to tell me what he wants to know..I finally told him that I wasn't senile, that I just couldn't understand a word he said..and I would answer his questions if he would give my daughter time to ask me....I also wear two hearing aids.It is a hereditary thing..I have to often ask people to repeat or hand them a pad and pencil..Right away, they start shouting, or will give me "rolleyes and turn away..
We need to realize that most older people have more intelligence from life experiences and common sense than the youngster with his college degree..
We need to realize that most older people have more intelligence from life experiences and common sense than the youngster with his college degree..
Man, I could not have said that any better blue... ! Just because they have become older it doesn't mean their minds have stopped... and your so right because that is what people seem think (the baby talk).
I took my dad here a while back to veterans hospital for a check up and he too has a real bad hearing problem.. but because he could not hear, they thought he couldn't think! Hello.....
[quote=blue62;5196328][quote=curlythecosmo;5195773]This is so true!!! They need their dignity!!
Just a word about "dignity".. This word is so very important to me. Most of you know that I am sorta , well...old.. Being older does not mean that I am senile, cannot carry on an intelligent conversation ...or cannot speak for myself.." I agree w/U on that.People should always respect their elders.I went through BS right along w/hubbys grandma,during Dr.visits etc.I remember 1 time..
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On the one hand, I still feel the ethical and moral responsibility to take care of my parents, because that's the way I was raised, to take care of family, (I had no problem with taking care of my mother-in-law, and my grandmother). On the other hand, we haven't laid eyes on one another in 28 years, (I was 19, the last time I ever saw them), and since they made it emphatically clear, (about three years ago), that they did not wish to have any further contact with me, nor I with them, it would make it a bit difficult to look out after them.
They would absolutely refuse any help from me, even if I did offer it.
