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Old 05-16-2007, 09:57 AM
 
Location: South Carolina
264 posts, read 827,284 times
Reputation: 229

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Northsouth, I think you are asking two entirely different questions. "What do you consider unforgivable?" and "what would make you cut someone out of your life?" are not the same thing. I can't think of anything that I would consider unforgivable but I can think of a LOT of things that would make me cut someone from my life.
I was raised by my grandparents who were extremely abusive; physically, emotionally, and psychologically. I also spent a lot of time around my uncle who abused me sexually repeatedly. It took me 20 years, including 5 years of therapy and a year in a mental hospital, to overcome the damage they did. One of the hardest things I've ever done in my life was to forgive them and pray for their salvation. As a testimony to the power of God, my grandfather, about a year before his death, said to me "I did a lot of things in my life that were wrong". I accepted it as the best apology he could muster. This came only a few months after he joined a church and was baptised. My grandmother also joined and was baptised but Im not sure she ever changed. She died a few years ago from Alzheimers still as angry and hateful as ever. My uncle, from what I was told, made a tearful confession to a pastor about a year or so before he passed away. Neither I nor the dozens of other children that he abused ever got an apology. Still, I take it on faith that they are all with the Lord.
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Old 05-16-2007, 10:11 AM
 
Location: Nashville, Tn
7,915 posts, read 18,579,414 times
Reputation: 5524
I have a stepbrother who's an exconvict in Montana. He lived with my Father and StepMother for years and was always in trouble with the police. He stole from my Father and from my sister and caused alot of friction between my Father and StepMother. Finally he was arrested after a botched holdup and went to prison for several years. All of this occurred a number of years ago and although I never lived in the same household I felt at the time I could never forgive him for all of the grief he caused my Dad. My Father died a number of years ago and my StepMother died after that. My stepbrother had stopped committing crimes and had settled down but all he could get for a job was working at a junk yard for minimal pay. At some point I just started feeling bad for him and my sisters did too. When my StepMother died we just let him have the house and property because he had nothing while the rest of us had done fairly well. I don't think he'll ever have a happy life but I felt good in giving him a little help when he needed it.
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Old 05-16-2007, 10:22 AM
 
Location: Anywhere but here!
2,800 posts, read 9,987,361 times
Reputation: 1715
Quote:
Originally Posted by MontanaGuy View Post
I have a stepbrother who's an exconvict in Montana. He lived with my Father and StepMother for years and was always in trouble with the police. He stole from my Father and from my sister and caused alot of friction between my Father and StepMother. Finally he was arrested after a botched holdup and went to prison for several years. All of this occurred a number of years ago and although I never lived in the same household I felt at the time I could never forgive him for all of the grief he caused my Dad. My Father died a number of years ago and my StepMother died after that. My stepbrother had stopped committing crimes and had settled down but all he could get for a job was working at a junk yard for minimal pay. At some point I just started feeling bad for him and my sisters did too. When my StepMother died we just let him have the house and property because he had nothing while the rest of us had done fairly well. I don't think he'll ever have a happy life but I felt good in giving him a little help when he needed it.
Wow, that's pretty amazing MontanaGuy! Good for you...now the balls in HIS court! And I'm sure that your father and stepmother would be pleased as well
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Old 05-16-2007, 05:10 PM
 
Location: Hickville USA
5,873 posts, read 3,751,459 times
Reputation: 28501
Quote:
Originally Posted by wesacat View Post
Northsouth, I think you are asking two entirely different questions. "What do you consider unforgivable?" and "what would make you cut someone out of your life?" are not the same thing. I can't think of anything that I would consider unforgivable but I can think of a LOT of things that would make me cut someone from my life.
I was raised by my grandparents who were extremely abusive; physically, emotionally, and psychologically. I also spent a lot of time around my uncle who abused me sexually repeatedly. It took me 20 years, including 5 years of therapy and a year in a mental hospital, to overcome the damage they did. One of the hardest things I've ever done in my life was to forgive them and pray for their salvation. As a testimony to the power of God, my grandfather, about a year before his death, said to me "I did a lot of things in my life that were wrong". I accepted it as the best apology he could muster. This came only a few months after he joined a church and was baptised. My grandmother also joined and was baptised but Im not sure she ever changed. She died a few years ago from Alzheimers still as angry and hateful as ever. My uncle, from what I was told, made a tearful confession to a pastor about a year or so before he passed away. Neither I nor the dozens of other children that he abused ever got an apology. Still, I take it on faith that they are all with the Lord.
I'm not asking two questions - it's your choice as to which you care to answer. I was correcting myself from the original post. To me it's one in the same, but obviously not to others so that's why I said it needs to be changed to unacceptable. So sorry about your childhood and I'm glad you have overcome it through God's help. But the point is, you did not have a relationship with any of them until it was too late. That's their fault and I still have a problem with deathbed insincerity. Not saying that your relatives weren't sincere, but only God truly knows their hearts and all we can do is hope they were honestly repenting so they will be in heaven with you.

I think others have problems with supposed deathbed repentance also, after such horrid behavior and it's just hard to believe God would accept that. Here's the rub - I don't believe that my father is going to hell. I look forward to seeing him in heaven. Whether I like it or not, the Bible says that all you have to do is repent and believe in Jesus and that he died for your sins. My father believes and so I will be surprised if he is not in heaven. So, doesn't matter what I think because God forgives them if they mean it. I don't understand the logistics of it and we are not meant to. I'm just saying that while I'm here on this earth he's gonna have to do a 180 to see me. Like Lisa said, my mental well being is more important to me and the well being of my child. I don't want him to endure what I did. I still like to believe in my own mind that there is different "degrees" of heaven - makes me feel better.
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Old 05-16-2007, 05:15 PM
 
Location: Hickville USA
5,873 posts, read 3,751,459 times
Reputation: 28501
Quote:
Originally Posted by Twinkle Toes View Post
It's hard for me to forgive people who have stabbed me in the back. Also, the guy who killed my brother - it's hard to find forgiveness for that.
That's awful, I recently had a friend that was murdered. I had never experienced that before. It is hard to find forgiveness, even as a Christian.
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Old 05-16-2007, 05:20 PM
 
Location: Hickville USA
5,873 posts, read 3,751,459 times
Reputation: 28501
Quote:
Originally Posted by dncngrl1964 View Post
I had a friend who turned out to be a real nutjob

well anyway her and her hubby are getting a divorce (6 yrs ago) and hubby asks me to "be on his side" in court
I said yes BECAUSE she tried to commit suicide
kids don't need to come home to that if she thinks she's having a bad day

anyway to make me look like a bad witness she slandered me name and did all this kinda crap saying i was an alcoholic etc etc

Well she lost custody

would you believe at the end of the trial she said ahe wasn't trying to be mean to me she just wanted her kids
and would I forgive her

I told her I would
she asked if we could still be friends
I told her when pigs fly
PS Her children come to my home on a daily basis
my son wants to do a sleepover with her son at HER house
I said NOPE don't ask again
I can relate to this story also. Had a friend, same thing - divorce but depended on my testimony alone to win her custody battle and when she lost, guess who she blamed? I don't forget stuff like that either. I forgive, but I don't forget. Happens once, shame on them. Happens twice - well you know the rest! Keeping people at arm's length is not a crime or a sin.
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Old 05-16-2007, 05:27 PM
 
Location: Debary, Florida
2,267 posts, read 3,276,970 times
Reputation: 685
I can forgive being wronged, I can even for the most part put it out of my mind...but I do have common sense, I agree that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Mistreat me once, shame on you, mistreat me twice, shame on me...
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Old 05-16-2007, 05:30 PM
 
Location: Hickville USA
5,873 posts, read 3,751,459 times
Reputation: 28501
Quote:
Originally Posted by MontanaGuy View Post
I have a stepbrother who's an exconvict in Montana. He lived with my Father and StepMother for years and was always in trouble with the police. He stole from my Father and from my sister and caused alot of friction between my Father and StepMother. Finally he was arrested after a botched holdup and went to prison for several years. All of this occurred a number of years ago and although I never lived in the same household I felt at the time I could never forgive him for all of the grief he caused my Dad. My Father died a number of years ago and my StepMother died after that. My stepbrother had stopped committing crimes and had settled down but all he could get for a job was working at a junk yard for minimal pay. At some point I just started feeling bad for him and my sisters did too. When my StepMother died we just let him have the house and property because he had nothing while the rest of us had done fairly well. I don't think he'll ever have a happy life but I felt good in giving him a little help when he needed it.
Good for you in being the bigger person! Why is it someone always has to die in order for people to see the error of their ways? My half-sister asked me how I would feel if my father died. I answered with "How would he feel if I died?" It works both ways, and I have tried to make it work. He has not. If he became ill and wanted me to take care of him, I would. (Probably put tape over his mouth, but I would do it)
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Old 05-16-2007, 05:35 PM
 
Location: Mississippi
6,712 posts, read 13,427,274 times
Reputation: 4317
As a kid growing up I was picked on a lot in school. I was one of the first in grade school to have to wear glasses, although tall I was very skinny, and my parent's couldn't afford the "cool clothes" that all the other kids were wearing. Not that I was dressed poorly but my high school was full of rich kids wearing $60 blue jeans. My mom wasn't having it and I don't blame her. Kids are mean. They do a lot of things that are humiliating and it hurts people for a long time.

Anyway, for the longest time I held a grudge against them for picking on me. However, after I returned from the military last month I went out with a friend of mine and I ran into one of these "bullies". He seemed down and out on his luck (I think alcohol/drugs) and just a complete mess. To be honest, I was happy at first because my life was going so well and I was glad to see him have a taste of misery. However, he came up to me and started talking to me like the nicest guy in the world. I don't think he realized the hurt that he had caused me. We talked for hours never even touching on the subject of his being a bully. It turns out his father lost everything and he got wrapped up in drugs/alcohol. In my mind, he is forgiven. It wouldn't be adultlike of me to want him to be so down and out. I pointed him in the right direction of some counselors and I'd be willing to help him out at any time. Sometimes, things happen in the past and people don't realize what they are doing.
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Old 05-16-2007, 05:47 PM
 
Location: Hickville USA
5,873 posts, read 3,751,459 times
Reputation: 28501
Quote:
Originally Posted by GCSTroop View Post
As a kid growing up I was picked on a lot in school. I was one of the first in grade school to have to wear glasses, although tall I was very skinny, and my parent's couldn't afford the "cool clothes" that all the other kids were wearing. Not that I was dressed poorly but my high school was full of rich kids wearing $60 blue jeans. My mom wasn't having it and I don't blame her. Kids are mean. They do a lot of things that are humiliating and it hurts people for a long time.

Anyway, for the longest time I held a grudge against them for picking on me. However, after I returned from the military last month I went out with a friend of mine and I ran into one of these "bullies". He seemed down and out on his luck (I think alcohol/drugs) and just a complete mess. To be honest, I was happy at first because my life was going so well and I was glad to see him have a taste of misery. However, he came up to me and started talking to me like the nicest guy in the world. I don't think he realized the hurt that he had caused me. We talked for hours never even touching on the subject of his being a bully. It turns out his father lost everything and he got wrapped up in drugs/alcohol. In my mind, he is forgiven. It wouldn't be adultlike of me to want him to be so down and out. I pointed him in the right direction of some counselors and I'd be willing to help him out at any time. Sometimes, things happen in the past and people don't realize what they are doing.
That is soooo true. Kids seem to be especially mean during the middle school years. I'm sorry you had such a rough time. I did too, somewhat, but my son has had a terrible time. It does scar you pretty much for life. What happened with you seeing this person again was good because you now see that most of the "bullies" grow into miserable, sad people. They usually bully because they are bullied at home. Doesn't make your bad experiences any better, but at least you understand that it wasn't really about you. You did a very Christian-like thing - that's a compliment, by the way. Instead of revelling in his misery, (it's okay to feel happy about it for a few minutes, at least) you stepped up and it was a growing experience for you. Good job.
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