Things I do NOT want to hear from a prospective tenant (apartment, lease)
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Things you cringe to hear from tenants during a lease signing (these are all real examples I have encountered):
"It's the weirdest thing, the last 4 places I have rented, roaches showed up after a month or so, even though there were no bugs when I moved in. It's like they are following me."
"My last HOA was so annoying, I was getting 4 or 5 notices a month for stuff that shouldn't even have been violations. It's like they had a personal grudge against me."
Any kind of example to the clause that says "don't do weird stuff that will stigmatize the property". I have had people jokingly say "oh, so I can't have the meth lab anymore", or "so no prostitute rings" or "guess that means I have to change my religion to one that doesn't involve animal sacrifice". Examples from tenants worry me.
"My ex is crazy, I'm moving because he tried to burn me out of my last house and I need to move someplace he doesn't know about."
What other examples have you run across? Whether they are deal breakers where you tear up the lease and kick the person out, cringe-worthy where you wonder what you are getting into, or just funny things that you can't believe someone would say/ask about.
"We value our privacy". (who doesn't?) But when I hear that from a tenant who also wants to know the time down to the minute that the gardener usually comes, I get nervous.
"we LOVE having all our friends and family over all the time"
and the best of the best...
"well, I don't have the money right now, I was hoping you'd be able to work with me. I don't have a job right now, but I start at Taco Bell part-time next Monday"
Several months ago a rather odd guy came into my place, sat at the bar and downed a couple of beers, all the while yattering on to anyone who'd listen about how he'd arrived on island a couple of months before with a machete and a tarpaulin. With no money and nowhere to stay he stretched the tarp somewhere in the bush and made do for a few weeks. The church next door to my place ended up giving him temporary accommodation and he was then hired on by a contractor so was making some money. A couple of weeks later he came in and said that the contractor for whom he'd started working liked his work so much that he'd given him use of a condo he owned in a nearby complex AND a truck he could use for both business and personal use. It all sounded too whacky, even for the whacky things we come across here on a daily basis!
Next thing you know he's a regular customer at a temporary "rum shack" which was then situated across the street from my restaurant, sitting there guzzling down the beers every night and enjoying a more rowdy drinking crowd.
Suffice it to say that he's not been seen for months now and probably left island. I do know from people who'd seen him around the condo complex that he left there in quite a hurry one night. I guess that contractor who gave him a break was quickly stiffed and learned a hard lesson... but I didn't recognize his name so he too may well have been a relative newbie who hadn't yet learned the ropes.
Love the stories on this thread so far! Thanks to all for a good chuckle!
"How fast can I move in? My boyfriend is already packing....my lease is up in August but we want to get out of here right now...." (breaking the lease and fleeing the scene...sureee)
"I had an bankruptcy less than a year ago and I know we are a big risk and hardly anybody wants to rent to us, but we are very good tenants and always pay our bills" (sureeee)
"I have a boxer mix, no pit bull, very well behaved.....I know you don't allow Pit Bulls but it is only less than 25% pit Bull" (all of a sudden all dogs are mix breeds and not pit bulls but look like pit bulls...)
"I had a misdemenor a few years ago but wasn't convicted....." (after a background check they had multiple felonies for drug trafficking and one was for having cocaine over 20 kg)
"Can I pay the security deposit, after I move in, last month's rent will also be paid when I get my settlement, I always have done this and I'm a great tenant and always pay early" (sureee)
Today we had tenants calling since the rent is due "my car broke down and I hope you didn't cashed the check that I gave you last week...It will bounce since I needed the money for my car...I can pay Thursday and will pay the $ 5.- late fee" ( too bad the late fee is $ 50.- + $ 5.- per day + $ 50.- for the NSF check!)
Another one had his wife in the hospital and due to that he can't make the payment to last month rent right now....
I Need a Nice Quiet Place so My Daughter/Son Can Practice Playing Her/His.....
Telling on myself with this one. I ( a former landlord) once went looking for a nice quiet duplex to rent where I could live with my daughter. My daughter played the violin and was required to practice for ~3hrs per day. I finally had my "d'oh!" moment before I signed the lease. Luckily. I found a private, unattached house to lease instead.
As a renter? The scariest words are " I fancy myself a handyman". See my story here:
Location: When you take flak it means you are on target
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I liked one a couple of weeks ago. I was working on a proptery, this lady who obviously was living in her car pulls up to ask about apartment. I tell her it is a non-smoking property.
"Oh, I don't smoke."
Then why is your ash tray filled with cigarette butts?
"Oh, I only smoke outside."
Yeah right...
Then there was the guy I had told on the phone we were non-smoking. "Oh, we don't smoke."
He arrives awhile later to view the apt and gets out of the car with a burning cigarette in his hand. He was seriously upset that I wouldn't show him a unit.
Me: "Do you and your husband/boyfriend/roommate have good credit?" Them: ah, well my bf does.
Me again: Do you have good credit? them: well, I don't know I guess so, I just got a truck financed at the car lot last month"
Me yet again: Okay, do you have anything in collection, defaulted loans, lots of late payments?
Them: <click>
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before I signed the lease. Luckily. I found a private, unattached house to lease instead. 
