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Last year, my brother was having some issues "finding himself" (he's 25), so I informed him that if things didn't work out in Arkansas (where he's from), he could come out here, get himself together, and make a fresh start. I informed him that he would pay approximately $400 for rent and utilities in my house, when he moved out here. He ended up moving out here in January. Since he moved out here, he has had trouble finding a job, and has gotten himself into a heap of trouble, which includes numerous traffic tickets and a DUI (which isn't his first)! He has a part time job at home depot, so he's not making much money.
After he got into trouble, I informed him that he needs to let people know what's going on in his life, because they may be able to help. He has not said anything to me about his plans, and at this point, I feel like he's taking advantage of the whole situation. He has paid $200 since he's been here for rent. I know he's financially strapped, especially since he's gotten into legal trouble, but at this point, I feel that I am enabling him. Him getting into trouble has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME and the agreement we had previously.
I feel like if I put him out, my family is going to label me selfish and cold, and give me the guilt trip about "how I couldn't have gotten where I am without the help of others" -- but I also feel like he's gotten very stagnant, comfortable, and is taking advantage of this whole situation. I ask him what's going on with the legal situation and he always gives me the same answer - the lawyer and I are going to discuss it next week. His court date was June 3rd for the DUI, and every week since that is the answer I have been given when I ask about his sentencing. He has not said anything about getting his life together, life goals, moving out, anything!
Do I put him out? He's not a "bad" roommate, but I feel that I'm enabling him, and frankly - I want my house back! It's not my job to support a 25 year old man who is coasting through life!
Dr Phil had a show on yesterday about much the same thing, their parents were at their wits' end, one 25 yo even had the audactity to tell his parents they needed to give him 30 days notice and Dr Phil said he wasnt a renter b/c he wasn't paying any rent, LOL, they didnt have to give him notice at all (he did a few odd jobs around the house and felt that was enough). I can't tell you what to do but it sounds like your brother has had many chances and has no plan - would give him a week to find another p/t job (or a f/t job), even if it's flipping burgers, at least he's doing something and bringing in some money, hopefully he'd feel productive (not sure if fast-food places are hiring in your area but it's worth a try (there's no reason he can't work somewhere else p/t in add'n to his other p/t HD job). If he's not able to drive w/ his DUI's, he can walk, it's not your problem. You may also need to work out a budget for him to help him get back on his feet. If he's resistant and shows no interest, it might be time for him to move on, he's not 17. As far as family criticism, you've done your share, let him mooch off one of them and see long their patience lasts.
I feel like he's taking advantage of the whole situation.
First reason to kick him out
He has paid $200 since he's been here for rent.
Second reason to kick him out
I know he's financially strapped, especially since he's gotten into legal trouble,
Not your problem
but at this point, I feel that I am enabling him.
Yes you are
Him getting into trouble has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME and the agreement we had previously.
Third reason to kick him out
I feel like if I put him out, my family is going to label me selfish and cold,
and give me the guilt trip about "how I couldn't have gotten where I am without the help of others" --
Then let your family can take him in because they are not selfish
but I also feel like he's gotten very stagnant, comfortable, and is taking advantage of this whole situation.
100%
Do I put him out?
yes
He's not a "bad" roommate,
Yes he is he is not paying is he
but I feel that I'm enabling him, and frankly - I want my house back!
Then kick him out you already no thats the answer
It's not my job to support a 25 year old man who is coasting through life!
Make rules he has to obey. A curfew of 10PM. No booze in the house. If he has to go somewhere, he goes, you don;t take him or help get him there. He must pay for food he eats. Give him half the grocery bill and do not feed him until he has the money...er...until YOU have the money. No coffee, no cereal, no nothing. Make him responsible. He will either shape up or ship out. Stand your ground. It's called tough love.
Also what two rent said...doubled.
Well, I had "the talk" with him last night. I told him that I am willing to help him in any way that I can, but I don't feel like him staying with me for free is the kind of help he needs. He has until September 1 to figure out his next move, because he can no longer stay with me after September 1.
He basically "shut down", which is what he does when he feels confronted or on the defensive.
I still feel bad because he's my brother, but I think it's best for him in the long run. I also feel like three more months is plenty of time for him to get it together.
Well, I had "the talk" with him last night. I told him that I am willing to help him in any way that I can, but I don't feel like him staying with me for free is the kind of help he needs. He has until September 1 to figure out his next move, because he can no longer stay with me after September 1.
He basically "shut down", which is what he does when he feels confronted or on the defensive.
I still feel bad because he's my brother, but I think it's best for him in the long run. I also feel like three more months is plenty of time for him to get it together.
Good for you! You were MORE than kind to take him and give him a chance to get himself together when obviously nobody else would (I wonder why?!) but instead of utilizing the opportunity to get himself together he's simply not only sponged off you but got into MORE trouble. At 25 years old he's not a child and only he can sort himself out.
'I think you're being way MORE than generous in giving him until September 1st to move out. That said, this is a very litigious society we live in and he HAS paid you (a measly) $200 towards the rental agreement you verbally made with him. Just to cover yourself, and assuming he gets mail deliveries somewhere if not at your address, send him a return receipt certified letter as follows:
"Dear ____,
When you moved here in January 2009, our agreement was that you would pay $400/month rent including utilities until you were able to get back on your feet. Since then you have only paid a total of $200 and I can't afford to support you any longer. As verbally discussed the other day I am giving you notice to quit as of August 31, 2009 which I think is more than fair notice.
You are my brother and I love you very much but you've forced me to make a very hard decision and hope you understand."
He's not going to like it but that's too bad. As far as your family's reactions are concerned, to heck with them. Let THEM take him in and, as poster honeycrisp said, "let him mooch off them and see (how) long their patience lasts."
Good luck and let us know how it all works out. Cheers!
Eh, I'm kicking my sister out for less. She's a complete slob and even though she's only lived at my place for 4 months, she's already ruined the carpet in her room to the point of replacement. Instead of doing dishes, she has been hoarding them (they all belong to me and my fiancee) in a cardboard box in her closet. She also drinks like a fish and leaves empty beer bottles everywhere.
Trust me, it's a bummer kicking out a family member but sometimes it's for the best. He needs to get off his ass and get his life together and by living in a place virtually rent free you have given him the reins to do basically whatever he wants.
Location: Pittsburgh but I'm ready to relocate......
727 posts, read 1,891,231 times
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Tell him that the carpets are being redone so he needs to find a place to crash for a week.......A week turns into a month......MOnths into years! Everytime he asks when he could move back in say "Next week"...........
It is so hard to get rid of a needy relative.....or grown child for that matter. You know they are taking advantage, but you keep making emotional excuses for them. Then you end up feeling guilty for wanting them out.
I guess there is nothing easy about saying "You've got 30 days to get your life together and get on with your own life in your own place."
But if we enable them to fail....we really robbing them of the self esteem they would gain through their own accomplishments. Our love for them has to make us strong enough to move them along for their own sake.
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