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I am curious to see why it is so hard to live with your children.Is it because you want to show them that you can do everything?that you don't need them to take care of you? Or is it because your children would feel obligated to take care of you. Is living in a retirement home better than living with your children? Why do you feel that it is a misery living with them?
I myself don't want to retire,I would probably want to travel with friends, I don't have kids,that's why I was asking all this questions.
I would have to take care of myself
I am curious to see why it is so hard to live with your children.Is it because you want to show them that you can do everything?that you don't need them to take care of you? Or is it because your children would feel obligated to take care of you. Is living in a retirement home better than living with your children? Why do you feel that it is a misery living with them?
For most people I think it's a matter of privacy first and foremost. Americans culture is pretty much one of "everyone needs their own space" (and control over that space).
Adults of different generations also often have very different ideas about the way a household should be run (what the house rules should be, what's acceptable vs what's not, conflicting needs/wants/expectations). That's a fertile breeding ground for constant stress and arguments within the house.
Many older adults don't want to be a burden on their kids, either financially or physically.
Many adult children with families of their own don't have the time or energy to devote to caring for an elderly parent.
There is no answer to the question of whether retirement-home living is "better" than living with grown children, because it depends entirely on each senior's personality and preferences.
Personally I could never tolerate either living with an adult child OR in a retirement home and plan to remain on my own as long as humanly possible (literally!). If health issues absolutely compel me to (in other words I can no longer care for myself and something prevents me from hiring a caretaker to come to my own home), I suppose a retirement home might be a last resort .. but they'll have to drag me kicking and screaming to it!!
Dragonten has the right idea! A retirement home is a great idea if you've planned for it years ago. In California a retired couple in Norther California may have to spend up to $13,000 per month for a full service home. Remember, this is for a couple in their early 80s. I have many customers that have children who's property can support a small 700 square foot 'Granny Unit'. This gives the children the benefit to improve their property value and it also gives the parents a chance to be a part of their family on a daily basis.
I wonder now that the Baby Boomers are reaching retirement will the retirement home fees be increased because of the demand?
I wonder now that the Baby Boomers are reaching retirement will the retirement home fees be increased because of the demand?
Good point. After all, the baby boom bulge drove up tuitions and then housing prices. Of course, both of those things could financed with credit. Dunno about retirement living fees.
I personally am doing everything I can to make myself financially secure/insured. (I have no family ties and no children, the former by circumstances, the latter by choice). I keep an eye on assisted living-type places and fees, even as I build equity in my dream house. I see driving as the big dividing edge. I have no desire or need to "downsize" as my house is already 1200 sq.ft., and I can hire help for house care.
On another note, I do believe in rational suicide *for myself*. Not because of being a burden or terminally ill or whatever (although that does count) but because I think I will decide when life isn't acceptable to me. I have no god beliefs to influence me. I have worked with Alzheimer's patients, etc., and know that many things are worse (so me) than death after years of debilitation and lower quality of life. (I keep saying "to me" because I recognize the slippery slope problem).
Dragonten has the right idea! A retirement home is a great idea if you've planned for it years ago. In California a retired couple in Norther California may have to spend up to $13,000 per month for a full service home. Remember, this is for a couple in their early 80s. I have many customers that have children who's property can support a small 700 square foot 'Granny Unit'. This gives the children the benefit to improve their property value and it also gives the parents a chance to be a part of their family on a daily basis.
I wonder now that the Baby Boomers are reaching retirement will the retirement home fees be increased because of the demand?
Yes,here in California there are many properties that are called mother in law units at the back,these are R1 properties and a maybe 700 square feet is added,depending on the law of each city's requirement. But you can't have a kitchen,you can only have a space to cook use microwave but not for cooking. These has become quite popular.
Also, the availability of retirement homes, retirement communities, and what valleyhomedevelopment called "granny units" can vary A LOT depending on location.
Here on LI we have very limited options for seniors. Basically only two:
* Traditional nursing homes. Most of these are places you really don't want to be in, and even the, ah ... how can I put this politely? .... "depressing" ones cost a small fortune. A friend of mine's elderly dad has been in one since last autumn (The hospital discharged him but he was unable to go back to living at home -- he was what they call a "two-person assist" for any moving out of bed, etc) but Medicare only covers 180 days per occurrence so naturally the day came when that stopped, so he was changed to a "self pay" (no insurance coverage). The rate ballooned to $13,000 per month! And this nursing home is not one of the worst but not one of the absolute beste either. The "best" ones have waiting lists months and months long, and cost even more.
-or-
* Over-55 garden apartment complexes, or over-55 condo developments. There are very very very few of these on Long Island. Long Island as a whole has always had very little in the way of standard rental units (garden apartments, townhouse apartments, etc) throughout its history. The great majority of apartments on LI are illegal ones (people creating apartments at their own home, without getting the required permits etc, and renting them out). Take a look in the Long Island forum (subheading of New York) for some very illuminating threads on illegal apartments and the apartment situation in general! We don't have enough non-single-family housing for young and middle-aged people, let alone targeted for seniors. So the few that there are, are not only expensive (as ALL rentals are here) but not easy to get into.
In order to add a separate 700 sf separate cottage-like dwelling on lots here (which is highly unlikely given an average lot size of 1/4 or 1/2 acre), would be an absolute nightmare to get permits and variances for, and the property taxes on the house would rise from prohibitive to astronomical. Not an option here on LI.
Converting a house to a legal mother/daughter (a separate apartment for a parent in a child's house, or a child in a paren'ts house) here also entails miles of red tape, permits, inspections, and... you guessed it... a big jump in property taxes. That's why many/most of these setups are done "illegally".
So as you can see, there isn't exactly a smorgasbord of good options for seniors in my area who either don't want to or can't remain in their own house.
p.s. After almost 3 months in the $13K/mo nursing home, my friend was able to get her father into a local Veterans Administration retirement/nursing home. She had to wait almost 6 weeks for an opening (was told it could be much longer, so was lucky) and it is only costing about $6000/month.
I am curious to see why it is so hard to live with your children.Is it because you want to show them that you can do everything?that you don't need them to take care of you? Or is it because your children would feel obligated to take care of you. Is living in a retirement home better than living with your children? Why do you feel that it is a misery living with them?
They have their own lives, and shouldn't need to plan around us. My role model is my folks, who have the same attitude about self sufficiency. I have friends whose older parents moved back in with them, and after a few months they all have become childlike in their demands and expectations of their adult kids. Lots of friction in the home where little existed before, and I know of a coworker who ended up leaving her husband over the demands of his mom, who moved in about two years ago. She couldn't take it anymore, and the house became a war zone as the son tried to accommodate his mom and his wife. I could see her deteriorating at work, becoming more obsessed about this situation, where she initially was very accommodating and sure it would be manageable.
This is such a good question and so many well thought out responses. I am not at retirement age yet but gettin there. I live outside of one of the few large cities in Alaska. Sure there are retirement homes here but they are pretty darn dismal. I do hard physical labor around my place, built a greenhouse and storage bin this summer when not on the road driving for a living, got a good sized garden, put up a lot preserves, smoke fish and game, do all my own cooking, fishing is my life for summer, make stew and a big pot of beans at least once a week especially in winter. Keep the woodpile stacked high and belive me that's a lotta work getting ready for winter. Don't have electricity and live off the grid but do have a generator for lights and fridge and so on. I think I live pretty healthy, no vices. When I'm not working, I read, write to the kids mostly all living outside of Alaska, work on some carving projects, go on a good long hike every day I'm not driving, and have cut back on my hours to enjoy life more. I started selling some log furniture that I make during the winter months and make a fair dollar on it. Now that my wife has passed I am alone. Visited my daughter in Anchorage this weekend and she's telling me she thinks I should be planning where I'm gonna go when I get "older". I was stupified by the question. I plan to live in the house my wife and I built with our own two hands until I keel over, I guess. No way do I want to be in a home or have her taking care of me when she has kids of her own and her a single parent, or be a burden to my other kids who aren't too keen on Alaska anyway. Reading all these posts sets me to thinking that I need to have some master plan but that implies that I plan to be infirm. I just really plan to keep on keeping on and not let my daughter's worries become my worries, but maybe she has a point.
Just an old DAd in Alaska, wondering what to do.
I have at least 5 older women friends who all took care of their mothers the last 4 or 5 years of their mothers' lives. They made sure their moms were clean, well fed, took them out when they could, made their favorite foods, put up with their moods and inadequacies, nursed them when they were ill, made sure they got the medical care they needed, loved them and didn't act like they were being inconvenienced.....wow if you read the list of what the daughters did for their moms, it most probably was what their Moms did for them when they were growing up. Imagine that.
With the right attitude, and a good measure of love and compassion these daughters (along with their husbands) considered it a privilege to take care of their Moms - I'm sure it wasn't always easy or convenient, but it was certainly needed.
We are a society that for the most part has no qualms about putting our babies in the care of strangers, so I guess it follows that many have no qualms about sticking our parents into rest homes or managed care because they don't want to be inconvenienced.
I do think the women tend to be more willing to take care of their mothers when they can no longer care for themselves....we have all sons and it would take a very special daughter in law in deed to care for me in my old age :-) .
Last edited by Cattknap; 08-08-2007 at 08:39 AM..
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An old dad in Alaska.
