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his best friend/employer died unexpectedly, so my soon-to-be-ex and the widow immediately began dating a few weeks after his death....they got married a few yrs later.
Lenora, I love your post and I grieved and went many sleepless nights crying and feeling terrible... but I got help by 360divorce.com and writing my craziness down and got help from others that had gone through the same thing... my therapy in a way. I followed the advice of one that told me about working out to help me sleep and not only did I sleep better but I got into the best shape of my life and now can do all the things I missed doing while I was married.
I NEVER bad mouth my ex to his children but they are 21 and 26 and YES they are very intelligent and made up their own minds what they wanted out of a relationship w/ my ex. Being alone after 22 years is not easy even now but I make the best of it and when I feel lonely I call a friend or family member to talk.
I don't want anyone to think they are less of a person if they cannot get over a loss like this but I did have help with the 360divorce blog and met many nice people through emails that were there for me when I needed their help. Seek help if you're having problems dealing... mine was the blog... yours maybe something entirely different but Lenora is correct.. sometimes you just need to seek help... nothing wrong with that at all
Excellent advice. Were you totally self supporting before and after the divorce?
May I ask what was the "final straw" after those 10 long years? (that made you call it quits)
I practiced "family" law off and on for about 20 years. One of my current part time gigs is providing free advice via a court sponsored "family" law helpline. I place the word "family" in quotes, because my job is to help people who are in the process of witnessing the destruction of their family. I prefer the term "domestic law" but alas, my colleagues prefer the former.
I had initially decided to ignore this thread, as I deal with this stuff on a weekly basis. But, (there's always a but) I am concerned that some of the posts may lead lurkers to conclude that something is wrong if they are not able to "get with the program" and move on.
Here are some general observations. 1) The longer the marriage, the longer the grieving process. Yes, you should grieve. Psychologists will tell you that divorce incurs the same feelings of loss as the death of a loved one, but the courts/friends/family members will not allow you sufficient time to adequately grieve. Some widows/widowers never get over their loss, nor do some divorcees. 2) 99% of the time, both parties are at "fault." They may convince themselves that the other party is solely responsible for the failure of the marriage, but in general, this is false. 3) The wife does not alienate the couple's adult children, although a significant number of husbands believe this. The children are adults and have already established relationships with both parents. If it's a strong relationship, it will continue...unless one of the parents treats the other badly during the divorce process. Adult children are not deaf and blind. They hear and see and are capable of drawing their own conclusions. How do I know this? They occasionally call the helpline because they are concerned for Mom's welfare. 4) Women tend to infantilize men. I swear to God, I want to scream when the man's mother, sister or girlfriend calls for advice regarding the man's divorce, custody or child support case. I refuse to advise these women. 5) Ergo, men are generally clueless. For example, they do not understand how to deal with the 14 year old girl who does not want to visit when Dad is living with his girlfriend. I will advise these guys. 6) "Older" homemakers are the worse. I get calls where they are now living in poverty and are desperate for relief. If they are already divorced, it is too late. If not, I spend a lot of time emphasizing the need for an attorney and a therapist. These ladies should NOT be negotiating while they are in denial and/or having a mental breakdown. If the H has just announced he is leaving, that gives me time to tell them what steps they can take to limit the inevitable damage.
I'm sure I'll think of other truisms. As for me, I hired a family law attorney because I was clearly unable to represent myself while my world was falling apart.
my attorney should have been more like you--MAYBE
was in a domestic abuse situation(verbal,emotional)---tossed his belongings out the door a month after my mom's death and youngest graduated and started working---married then 36 yrs.but marriage slowly died over 15 yrs previously---drug use(his),affairs,secrets,multi,and his mother's constant interference and supplying him with money so he worked very few hours--so to address your list--as to 1)am still sad over leaving a state i loved for my personal safety----HE TURNED IT INTO A BITTER DIVORCE EVEN THO HE GOT EVERYTHING HE WANTED--so i had to leave
2)in my case maybe 20% at fault as i spent the last 5 years before the end in personal counseling and safety issues---no focus on us--the us had ended many yrs ago--not every divorce has 50/50 causes
3)he alienated the adult child when he tried to have both of us evicted legally with no money,no place to live while house was on the market(i got it sold in 6 mos)--we had to deplete both our savings to pay bills he neglected in reference to home
4)good for you--understand that well--mommy in her 90's still supports him
5)do not understand that their adult child may dislike their close friends(adult child very christian----dad's friend practices voodo)----that put the nail in the coffin of their relationship
6)resent number 6--am older and living in poverty due to a bad attorney and my just handing the ex everything he wanted after he dragged it on for 4 years---maybe my attorney was so bad cause she resented older persons getting divorced---btw--some of us are intelligent enough to get counselinG on our own
I am in my 30s and have found this to be an enlightening thread. I divorced last year after 7.5 years of marriage and my only regret was that I didn't do this sooner. I ended up paying an attorney about $4K but it was worth it. Plus, I had to pay my spouse as well. It wasn't much but the freedom of it has been the best. I wish you all the best no matter what you all may go through.
was in a domestic abuse situation(verbal,emotional)---tossed his belongings out the door a month after my mom's death and youngest graduated and started working---married then 36 yrs.but marriage slowly died over 15 yrs previously---drug use(his),affairs,secrets,multi,and his mother's constant interference and supplying him with money so he worked very few hours--so to address your list--as to 1)am still sad over leaving a state i loved for my personal safety----HE TURNED IT INTO A BITTER DIVORCE EVEN THO HE GOT EVERYTHING HE WANTED--so i had to leave
2)in my case maybe 20% at fault as i spent the last 5 years before the end in personal counseling and safety issues---no focus on us--the us had ended many yrs ago--not every divorce has 50/50 causes
3)he alienated the adult child when he tried to have both of us evicted legally with no money,no place to live while house was on the market(i got it sold in 6 mos)--we had to deplete both our savings to pay bills he neglected in reference to home
4)good for you--understand that well--mommy in her 90's still supports him
5)do not understand that their adult child may dislike their close friends(adult child very christian----dad's friend practices voodo)----that put the nail in the coffin of their relationship
6)resent number 6--am older and living in poverty due to a bad attorney and my just handing the ex everything he wanted after he dragged it on for 4 years---maybe my attorney was so bad cause she resented older persons getting divorced---btw--some of us are intelligent enough to get counselinG on our own
only regret--I SHOULDA DONE THIS SOONER
Whoa! When I said 99% of the time both parties are at fault, I meant that. That leaves the 1% living with an abusive spouse. I also did NOT state that 99% of the couples equally contributed to the failure of the marriage. That would be highly doubtful.
Looking back over my post, I think you may have misinterpreted #6. The older homemakers are my worse calls because they are usually the ones who are confused, afraid and have much more to lose than the other callers. If they have not yet separated, I spend significantly more time with these ladies...suggesting ways to stash cash, copy financial records, obtain evidence of adultery, etc. I welcome the opportunity to assist them.
Excellent advice. Were you totally self supporting before and after the divorce?
May I ask what was the "final straw" after those 10 long years? (that made you call it quits)
I appreciate the kind words.. i was married 22 years and not sure what broke his back. I think back and I figured I was married for life. I wasn't happy but I was in it for better or worse like my vows. In many ways he did me the biggest favor of my life. I always tell my best friend that I should send him and his mistress a thank you letter.
this is what drove me crazy...
My ex was always gone... partied with his friends, he went camping and vacations without his family. That was how it was for the last 15 years at least.
I took my children camping, vacations and out in nature... I taught them to fish and capture bugs... name trees birds etc... I did love that and they have great memories of our times together and not so good with my ex... really a shame too. I believe my ex regrets it but you can't have a "muligan" in life (do over).. just move forward... and try to capture what I've missed out in life from here forward.
Do I wish I had a relationship now?? Geez of course I do but for now I just can't take anymore disappointments so "me time" is just fine... find out who I am again right?
I separated from my spouse after 12 years of marriage at age 35. I had just fallen out of love and was tired of being the main financial provider and have in essence 4 children and not 3. We remained "separated" for 15 years as neither was dating (my children were my priority) and we had no money. After my youngest graduated high school, I told him at age 50 that it was time we "got 'er done", and we did...being separated LONGER than we were married! During that time, however, there really was no animosity between us and even though I only held him at 300 a month for child support, he helped out in supporting our children emotionally when it came to sports as I was TOO exhausted teaching to really attend many functions.
To me is is amazing as I read other posts, how reselient we all are. AND as a side note, it is weird, but all my female friends who are brunette are still married to either their high school or college sweetheart while all the blondes and redheads are divorced... Coincidence?? Maybe!
Love your sense of humor! Is the happy couple still together?
Heck no. I think it lasted about six months. He KNEW she was a druggie because he'd known her almost as long as I had but I guess he had to go "somewhere". lol Actually, I 'let' him keep our RV just so he'd have a place to live and not be homeless. He sold it.
This thread caught my attention because a lot of my classmates from my '68 graduation, are still married to the spouse they married back in the 70's! When I talk to them on Facebook, they all seem to have a fantastic marriage going on yet.
When I went to my 50th class reunion...Class of 1960...I was happily surprised how many marriages had 'made it'. Plenty of widows/widowers though.
Yes AZDesertBrat... don't they all "deserve happiness"?... that is what I got too... at others expense??... let the Karma god get the revenge is what I'm doing. I won't waste my time with bitterness and heart break anymore. In your case, you're better off without two losers like them. but what goes around comes around... once a cheater always a cheater and either one of them will cheat sooner or latter when they get bored.
I almost forgot too... my ex's co-worker mistress was married her self with two young children... double trouble and destroy two marriages at the same time.. NICE hey... I am actually very happy now and wouldn't want my life back the way it was for anything in the world... carry on I always say
They didn't stay together and lasted only months. I don't believe my ex was really a cheater, ever, except in this case. He worked away from home for six/seven months every year and I know he didn't cheat. If he had he would've told me, and I firmly believe this. He was plenty disgusted with the guys on his crew who DID cheat and it really just wasn't his style. I think, by the time he did with 'her', our marriage was over. I just didn't know it yet. I think he just spent way too much time out in the woods, thinking, and concluded that he wanted to be 'free' to do his thing. It's a long story and would take a novel to explain but believe me when I say I did KNOW him well enough to say those things.
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thank you very much...
