Retirees Putting Parent into a facility? How was it? (physically, long-term, moving)

[AZgarden]

So, I had to bring my 101 year old Mom to AZ from IL where she was in her own home and had been for 60 years. She knew everyone there. Was prez of seniors club until age 100. Also citizen of the year, women's club prez, etc etc. The local Area on Aging decided she was neglected and gave me 20 days to provide 24 hour care for her. She had been having daily nurses 4 hours a day, but they deemed it "not enough" and "neglect." It all started because I contacted them to see if she could get meals on wheels. Big mistake. The social worker decided she was neglected. We took her back with us from IL at Christmas.

So, here we are in AZ and she is in Assisted Living. Has anyone else had to do this? I am so stressed all the time. I go there every day, but it isn't enough. She is confused, thinks she is still in her home. She wants me to stay there with her. The caregivers are very nice, but this is so not easy. I am an only child, with only a daughter and s i l to help here. At times, I feel like I want to run away and never come back. Part of the stress is realizing what I may become, if I live as long as she is. I don't want this to happen. I am late 60s, breast cancer surviver, other health problems. This was supposed to be a good retirement, but it has turned out to be otherwise. I wake up during the night thinking about this. I just hope things get better as time goes on.

[sweetana3]

You need to sit down and understand what alternatives there were/are. The move has already been done. The worst that would have happened was she would be in assisted living in Illinois. Now she is in assisted living where you live and can have personal contact. This is incredibly important. You can provide the little extras and the personal contact she would have missed in IL.

She would have been confused in either case. Sure she would like you there with her, but it is not an option. You just need to do the best you can and ensure you have a life as well. We all need to determine what might be needed in our elder years and talk to others about what we would like and make sure we take steps ourselves to ensure we have safe housing arrangements.

[SunsetBeachFL]

Can she live with you and receive the care at your home? Is she truly better off in her current environment? In other words, are they providing treatment, administering meds that you and/or a daytime, professional caregiver can provide?

Is she outgoing, physically able to participate in the activities they offer, if any?

Tough call. Sorry for your situation. I'm not sure how/why a meals on wheels volunteer can determine whether or not one is neglected, but too late for that.

If you cannot have her live with you, then maybe bring as many photos, mementos from her prior living situation into her current area.

Best to you.

[Ketabcha]

My sister and I moved our mother from her own home about 200 miles from here to an assisted living situation close by. We were always afraid she would burn her house down. There were cigarette burns all over the sofa and the carpet.

The first week was not good so I stayed overnight with her for a few days and then she took to it and now loves it. It's been nearly 4 years. She loves not having to cook or clean. She enjoys watching her TV and working crossword puzzles. She was moved into the "memory care" portion of the place a couple of years ago. She has her own room/bathroom and small kitchen with only a sink and fridge. She really has a good time living there. In fact, she prefers sleeping there than at our houses. She misses the place when she is away with us.

[Boompa]

Originally Posted by PhxBarb

So, I had to bring my 101 year old Mom to AZ from IL where she was in her own home and had been for 60 years. She knew everyone there. Was prez of seniors club until age 100. Also citizen of the year, women's club prez, etc etc. The local Area on Aging decided she was neglected and gave me 20 days to provide 24 hour care for her. She had been having daily nurses 4 hours a day, but they deemed it "not enough" and "neglect." It all started because I contacted them to see if she could get meals on wheels. Big mistake. The social worker decided she was neglected. We took her back with us from IL at Christmas.

So, here we are in AZ and she is in Assisted Living. Has anyone else had to do this? I am so stressed all the time. I go there every day, but it isn't enough. She is confused, thinks she is still in her home. She wants me to stay there with her. The caregivers are very nice, but this is so not easy. I am an only child, with only a daughter and s i l to help here. At times, I feel like I want to run away and never come back. Part of the stress is realizing what I may become, if I live as long as she is. I don't want this to happen. I am late 60s, breast cancer surviver, other health problems. This was supposed to be a good retirement, but it has turned out to be otherwise. I wake up during the night thinking about this. I just hope things get better as time goes on.

My mother moved with my sister in Florida so that my sister could take care of her. A few years later my sister had a stroke and it wound up my mother was living alone in a condo where she couldn't get out the door unassisted. Also in the interim I wound up keeping my son, a Disabled Veteran. I wound up calling Florida Elder Care which did an excellent job of obtaining services for her and eventually finding a facility she liked. My Brother in Law, who was busy "managing my mothers money wasn't happy when the state got involved. The fight went on until my mother died and for about a year after

[StealthRabbit]

Originally Posted by PhxBarb

...The local Area on Aging decided she was neglected and gave me 20 days to provide 24 hour care for her. .... We took her back with us from IL at Christmas.

.... At times, I feel like I want to run away and never come back. Part of the stress is realizing what I may become, ... I wake up during the night thinking about this. I just hope things get better as time goes on.

BTDT....

1. Your choices were limited, you made the best for all
2. change comes very hard for all ESPECIALLY the elderly (and those of us on our way to elderly)
3. Time / consistency of your visits and confidence in the staff & your own decisions (for her) / limited capabilities will allow this to work out.
4. YOU... Still have choices in your attitude and planning for your own LTC / situation. YOU DO NOT HAVE to FOLLOW THE SAME PATH AS MOM
5. Be thankful and grateful (& appreciative) for those around you and gain strength. Be an advocate for your mom while PRAISING/ ENCOURAGING her caregivers, and they will be / become your surrogate replacement (for the times you must leave / be away from mom.
...
10. Establish some boundaries / space for you. Reward yourself with times of refreshment. ( for me = A walk in the woods or an extensive 'day-trip' to a place unknown, or an afternoon by a rippling brook) ... I'm a big spender

It grieves me to 'place them' and to 'leave them behind'. Each situation is different, but none are ez.

[Bette]

Barb-
I remember you saying your mom was 101. I mean, how many people get that far especially living on their own?

I am surprised she made it that far - she sounds very social - any way to get her more involved in activities at the ALF?

Prayers to us all.....my FIL is 89 and he will NEVER EVER EVER move.

[Robyn55]

We moved my late FIL from his home in NC to a skilled nursing facility here in Florida after he had a stroke (ambulance transfer from hospital to SNF). We had about 72 hours to find a good SNF here. He was almost in good enough shape to move back to an ALF in NC after 6 months of rehab (his daughter lived in the same town that he did). But then he developed a ton of additional medical problems. And he lived in the SNF until he died 2 years later. It was easier on us than most. Because the SNF was fabulous - and my FIL had all his marbles. He become VP of the Resident's Council - developed a few friendships - etc. We used to visit once - maybe twice a week - take him on field trips for the day.

I think part of your problem is your mother is showing signs of dementia - perhaps she has other mental or physical problems as well. She hasn't been in Arizona long. If you haven't already done so - I would get her to a good doc (or perhaps a facility like Mayo) and get her worked up. See what is going on. She may need meds - be taking the wrong meds - etc. - etc. I would also get a consult with an occupational therapist - who can evaluate her - and recommend the best living situation for her (perhaps she should be in a SNF - as opposed to an ALF - or a different level of ALF care - there are many levels of ALF care). I think you'll have a clearer idea about the best course of action once you get some professional input. Robyn

[AZDesertBrat]

Originally Posted by PhxBarb

So, I had to bring my 101 year old Mom to AZ from IL where she was in her own home and had been for 60 years. She knew everyone there. Was prez of seniors club until age 100. Also citizen of the year, women's club prez, etc etc. The local Area on Aging decided she was neglected and gave me 20 days to provide 24 hour care for her. She had been having daily nurses 4 hours a day, but they deemed it "not enough" and "neglect." It all started because I contacted them to see if she could get meals on wheels. Big mistake. The social worker decided she was neglected. We took her back with us from IL at Christmas.

So, here we are in AZ and she is in Assisted Living. Has anyone else had to do this? I am so stressed all the time. I go there every day, but it isn't enough. She is confused, thinks she is still in her home. She wants me to stay there with her. The caregivers are very nice, but this is so not easy. I am an only child, with only a daughter and s i l to help here. At times, I feel like I want to run away and never come back. Part of the stress is realizing what I may become, if I live as long as she is. I don't want this to happen. I am late 60s, breast cancer surviver, other health problems. This was supposed to be a good retirement, but it has turned out to be otherwise. I wake up during the night thinking about this. I just hope things get better as time goes on.

I'm so sorry you are going through all this. It sounds like your mom was a very social person so, maybe, she'll find things to get involved in? Although, at her age I expect her memory isn't the greatest, etc..

I think about this sort of thing with my mom now and then. She'll be 85 in May and, so far, is doing fine but I worry about her falling. She's already fallen twice and the first time was one reason I moved in to her guest house...to be closer 'just in case'. My nephew was there for the second fall and, fortunately, both were minor but you never know. I am hoping that, if worse came to worse, my mom would just move in with me. Depending on the extent of care she would need, of course. I did in home health care for a couple of years so I can do it, for the most part.

Hopefully, once things calm down you'll feel better. Don't forget to take care of YOU.

[jenny1951]

Originally Posted by PhxBarb

At times, I feel like I want to run away and never come back. Part of the stress is realizing what I may become, if I live as long as she is. I don't want this to happen.

I know exactly how you feel. My mom is 87 and has Alzheimer's. Her memory and judgement issues have deteriorated rapidly in the past year, to the point where I am in the process of moving her to a long-term facility. She has other health issues as well (M.S. and leukemia) so it has come to this at last. It's especially difficult because it's hard to have a conversation with her regarding the move, which won't happen until a room is available. In the interim, I am the sole caregiver, as both my siblings have passed. I know what you mean about wanting to just run away, and I too worry about my own fate. My dad took his own life in 2003 (he was 81) and I believe he was worried about having dementia then, and now my mom; sometimes I find myself obsessing over it. I don't ever want my son to go through this process with me, not ever.

I share your fear and feel your pain. It's remarkable that your mom made it this far! As others have suggested, do something nice for yourself. You need to care for yourself so you can be there for your mom and kids. I do believe that your mom will adjust. I think we are all more resilient than we know. Hang in there and I do hope things get better for you.