in what ways would you have changed your chilhood.. (grandparents, beach, moving)

[catsy girl]

with the knowledge you have now about yourself and the world, how would you have changed the way in which you were raised? are there things you wish had been part of your rearing that might have made a positive difference for you as an adult?

if you would change nothing, what were the positives influences in your childhood which, you feel, contributed to your becoming a mature, stable adult?

catsy girl

[accufitgolf]

My personal answer is I would change nothing as I believe we are the sum of all our experiences (good, bad, ugly) and if one is happy where they are in life, then accept and enjoy.

If one is not happy in life, there is very little way one can do to change the past so my advice to those would be seek help now and work on moving forward.

[catsy girl]

Originally Posted by accufitgolf

My personal answer is I would change nothing as I believe we are the sum of all our experiences (good, bad, ugly) and if one is happy where they are in life, then accept and enjoy.

If one is not happy in life, there is very little way one can do to change the past so my advice to those would be seek help now and work on moving forward.

i asked the question not to solicit commentary on what one considers a "good" or "bad" childhood. personally i think those terms are too simplistic and most childhoods are a mixture of both.

of course we're the sum total of all our experiences, and how we perceive our childhood experiences does not have to necessarily result in a judgement of happiness or lack of it. since i assume most people who are active in this forum grew up 40+ years ago when the world and its values were quite different than the world we live in now as adults, i thought it might be interesting to reflect on ways in which we might have chosen our childhoods to be different , based on what we have learned about who we are and the individual worlds in which we live.

it's an exercise in reflection, rumination, and opinion, nothing more.

catsy girl

[Curmudgeon]

While I might have chosen other parents, for the most part my childhood was somewhat magical, to include going to the magic Kingdom (Disneyland) opening day. I spent some very early years in mainland China and returned to the states speaking Mandarin and not English. From there, several states in the south until 1951 when we moved to an island in Southern California where my life revolved around the beach, swimming, sailing and boating.

Then it was off to Japan for three years living in a small fishing village, on a Naval base and ending up in Tokyo which my best friend and I were free to explore on our bicycles all day long when not in school. Then there were some other southern states, finally returning to the island in SoCal.

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end and a bit of a shootin' war interfered in the 60s. I had to grow up.

Nah! All things in balance I wouldn't change a thing!

I know that many adults blame their parents and their growing up years for everything that's wrong in their lives. I've always believe that to be a cop-out. If you're an adult, act like it and take responsibility for your own life. You're allowed to, ya know.

[AZDesertBrat]

Originally Posted by Curmudgeon

While I might have chosen other parents, for the most part my childhood was somewhat magical, to include going to the magic Kingdom (Disneyland) opening day. I spent some very early years in mainland China and returned to the states speaking Mandarin and not English. From there, several states in the south until 1951 when we moved to an island in Southern California where my life revolved around the beach, swimming, sailing and boating.

Then it was off to Japan for three years living in a small fishing village, on a Naval base and ending up in Tokyo which my best friend and I were free to explore on our bicycles all day long when not in school. Then there were some other southern states, finally returning to the island in SoCal.

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end and a bit of a shootin' war interfered in the 60s. I had to grow up.

Nah! All things in balance I wouldn't change a thing!

I know that many adults blame their parents and their growing up years for everything that's wrong in their lives. I've always believe that to be a cop-out. If you're an adult, act like it and take responsibility for your own life. You're allowed to, ya know.

I'm jealous! We lived in Van Nuys, CA when Disneyland opened but I had to watch it on black and white TV! lol

Sounds like you had a very interesting childhood. We moved a lot, for my dad's job...that ol' Cold War, missles, aircraft thing...but never anywhere 'foreign'. Well, maybe So. Cal. Even so I think all that moving was good for me. It taught me how to be adaptable and adjust to situations and how to always be "the new kid" in school. I never had a problem making friends and when we had to leave I didn't feel bad. Being the oldest of six I was handed tons of responsibility at a very young age but I didn't mind too much. It taught me many things that came in handy as I got older.

Only ONE thing I'd change about growing up, if I could, and that would be that my parents supported my wanting to go to college. The didn't. Mostly because of the $$s but my dad said I didn't "need it", that I'd just get married and have a houseful of kids. So, that's what I did. I DID get to college, finally, in my early 30s and nobody was prouder than my dad!

Like you, though, I wouldn't really change anything about my growing up. I had good parents who taught me how to survive, to be frugal, to be kind, generous and thoughtful. I was much loved by aunts and uncles and grandparents and knew it. I'd say I had a pretty darn good childhood with good role models.

[brightdoglover]

I grew up a sullen, depressed child (really a short adult the whole time) with a lot of mental illness around me. A bad match all around.
However, I've always felt I was fortunate to grow up in a stable, middle-class-aspiring post-war suburb, with little crime or overall social dysfunction around to latch onto if I wanted. There was public transport to the options and culture of a big city (Philadelphia) and most peers, regardless of their home situations, were focused on school and maybe college. It was rather progressive and benefited by proximity to the city, so it wasn't a closed world, like an isolated small town.
I also appreciated the one year I lived with an aunt and uncle. The aunt was and is very dear to me, great company, and supportive in every way (dragging us to the city library, etc.). Also, when we had to move in with them because of financial/gambling problems, the dog moved with us, and not everyone childless couple would take in two adults, two kids and a dog (occasionally one adult, depending on my father's status).
I wouldn't want to live in what has become super-suburb again (loved the outlyin farms and stuff) but I think it's a good environment to grow up in, especially if home isn't going too well. Thank you, Cherry Hill, New Jersey, but I won't be back.

[Rtom45]

I would change the high school I attended. My parents sent me to a catholic high school that had a good reputation. I was put in an advanced math class that pretty much gave me 5 years of math in 4 years. Same instructor the whole time. I did well in my high math classes, but when I got to college I couldn't pass a math class. My major was biology and several different math classes were required. I ended up with over 5 years of college and no degree.
I think I would have been much better off in the public high school taking the same courses as everyone else. I'm over 60 now and that still bothers me. I've decided that when I retire, I'm going to study math and learn everything I should have learned in high school.

[Caladium]

I grew up in a typical inner ring suburb. Seeing it from an adult perspective, that town actually had a lot of nice qualities, but as a kid I had no awareness of how special it was and I took many of its best features for granted. The same goes for my parents; they may have made some mistakes but overall I'm glad for the childhood I had.

Getting back to being raised in an inner ring suburb that was just starting to go downhill. I'm very glad the neighborhood was diverse but also kind of nerdy (the factory closed and then we re-invented ourselves in a way. So the big "industries" near us were government offices and an aerospace company). The factory closure hurt our town and was hard on some of my friends' families, but in many ways that taught me resilience and how to deal with major change. At the same time we were lucky that the families who were hurt had places they could move to, so there wasn't much rage or bullying. Our town was full of people who were all about going back to school, getting that GED and learning how to change with the times. I grew up knowing people from other cultures, and spending a lot of time at school. At the time I thought everyone grew up like that--I didn't see how lucky I was.

When I was growing up I thought my town was boring, but looking back that was a gift. Instead of being handed stimulation I found my own, and that gave me a strong imagination, a healthy intellect, and the ability to tolerate stretches of time when there's nothing to do. I worry about young people today who can't seem to handle having "down time".

Schools, stores, and recreation facilities were all a mile or so from my house, and my parents were too busy to drive me anywhere. I griped at the time, but now I see it gave me a lifelong habit of taking long walks, which has benefited me greatly over the years.

My family was middle class but had a stretch of financial hard times. In some ways that meant I missed out on things that the other kids were doing. In other ways it gave me a lot of strengths. I learned how to be frugal and I learned that I could survive financial adversity. I learned that money isn't everything--but I also learned money is important and is to be respected. I learned how to take care of money, and since I learned how to invest as a teen I can now retire. I learned that some of the best family memories you can make are doing simple things like taking walks together. I also learned not to let financial situations frighten me.

[RiverBird]

Originally Posted by Curmudgeon

I know that many adults blame their parents and their growing up years for everything that's wrong in their lives. I've always believe that to be a cop-out. If you're an adult, act like it and take responsibility for your own life. You're allowed to, ya know.

The truth is that who you are going to be for the rest of your life is set by kindergarten (seriously, studies have been done on this).

This doesn't mean career, of course, but it does mean personal tendencies (curious, artistic, methodical, adventurous, fearful, etc etc). How much of this is actual parental influence is up for debate.

But I will wager that a parent who provides positive mental stimulation (love of reading, interaction at the dinner table, talks about what the kid is learning, etc), regardless of the degree of parental "success" and regardless of the degree of residential stability, is the parent that will have the most well adjusted kid.

The factors of parental emotional instability and emotional neglect of kids are, to me, the biggest influence contributing to dysfunctional or struggling kids (as kids, and as they age). These unfortunate parental factors can be ameliorated by other positive influences, such as a caring and nurturing grandparent, aunt, uncle, family friend, or teachers. But with these parental factors in one's childhood, (imo) the influences to be overcome will be a lifelong struggle in terms of self-esteem and personal security.

Yes, I would love to change my childhood; simply to have had a parent read books to me and take an interest in my schoolwork would have instilled a much greater sense of personal security and stability, regardless of the serious dysfunction going on in that household of origin.

[desertrose09]

[quote=catsy girl;22500114]with the knowledge you have now about yourself and the world, how would you have changed the way in which you were raised? are there things you wish had been part of your rearing that might have made a positive difference for you as an adult?




I moved a lot all my life. I think would feel more secure if I had been raised in fewer places and near extended family. My parents were great it was just unsettling for me to always be moving and trying to make new friends and losing contact with old friends.