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Well, it happened again today. How many of you have had this happen:
A woman from my woman's club called this morning to ask if I could do some jobs for the club, like sitting at the welcome table, etc. I'm pretty sure I could do that, because I would be sitting. I can take some extra pain meds that day or bring some with me just in case, or both.
Then she asked me if I would agree to be on the hostess list. That involves carrying things around to set up for the meetings, and moving chairs and tables, which would ruin me, pain-wise, almost immediately and would take several days to subside.
I tried to tell her this was going to be a problem for me, but she immediately started to chide me for making excuses.
Dang! Even though she already knows I need to be careful, that was her first reaction. I felt she was judging me unfairly and trying to put me in a position of having to do this so I wouldn't be seen as a slacker, or to just quit to avoid the condemnation.
At my age, I have finally understood that if I don't take care of myself, I'm the one who suffers. I finally know better than to let people talk me into things that are a bad idea for me, and this is the reaction I get.
I can't be the only one this happens to. How do people deal with this treatment in a satisfactory way?
As soon as she starts in on the chiding, interrupt, gently with, "Excuse me? Excuse me?" Then when (if) you have her attention, a gentle assertion: "You're out of line." And don't even bother to explain to her what you mean, because she knows full well.
Or another retort I have is, "Martyr awards are not given here."
Usually I listen and let the person have his/her say. When the he/she finishes the BS, I very calmly state again what I will do and ask them to repeat the details of what I have decided.
As soon as she starts in on the chiding, interrupt, gently with, "Excuse me? Excuse me?" Then when (if) you have her attention, a gentle assertion: "You're out of line." And don't even bother to explain to her what you mean, because she knows full well.
Or another retort I have is, "Martyr awards are not given here."
Quote:
Originally Posted by blondiel
Usually I listen and let the person have his/her say. When the he/she finishes the BS, I very calmly state again what I will do and ask them to repeat the details of what I have decided.
Thanks for the replies. I guess I need some stock answers like those.
In this particular situation, I'm trying to be easy on this group because I am new and looking for some friends. (Maybe that's my problem!!! )
Well, it happened again today. How many of you have had this happen:
A woman from my woman's club called this morning to ask if I could do some jobs for the club, like sitting at the welcome table, etc. I'm pretty sure I could do that, because I would be sitting. I can take some extra pain meds that day or bring some with me just in case, or both.
Then she asked me if I would agree to be on the hostess list. That involves carrying things around to set up for the meetings, and moving chairs and tables, which would ruin me, pain-wise, almost immediately and would take several days to subside.
I tried to tell her this was going to be a problem for me, but she immediately started to chide me for making excuses.
Dang! Even though she already knows I need to be careful, that was her first reaction. I felt she was judging me unfairly and trying to put me in a position of having to do this so I wouldn't be seen as a slacker, or to just quit to avoid the condemnation.
At my age, I have finally understood that if I don't take care of myself, I'm the one who suffers. I finally know better than to let people talk me into things that are a bad idea for me, and this is the reaction I get.
I can't be the only one this happens to. How do people deal with this treatment in a satisfactory way?
I wouldn't hang out with folks who "condemn" me in the first place. I would quit that "women's club" so damn quick if I were you. They are usually a nest of vipers in disguise. Those women should be organising Fundraisers for you, for goodness sake. Charity begins at home. They are NOT your "friends", if they were they'd be helping you not condemning you.
As for dealing with this sort of rudeness when it's out of the blue, as far as I'm concerned, poking your nose into someone else's business/health issues/pain levels like that is rude and presumptuous, so you are entitled to be rude straight back.
I would say "excuse me?" when someone says something you don't like. This forces them to repeat themselves and hopefully realise what they said. If they persist, its time to say "what part of NO did you not understand?", or even accuse her of being thoughtless and rude (which she was).
I would actually be a bit more proactive and vocal about your physical limitations in general. We all know folks who love to complain and be treated like they're fragile, there's no reason why you can't get some sympathy and help too but you sound like one of those who sits quietly and hopes someone notices your discomfort. Forget it, it's not going to happen. People are extremely selfish.
You need to be more outspoken, more sure of your own mind, less intimidated by others.
Personally I never do a damn thing that doesn't suit me, anymore. It makes life a heck of a lot more fun.
I wouldn't hang out with folks who "condemn" me in the first place. I would quit that "women's club" so damn quick if I were you. They are usually a nest of vipers in disguise. Those women should be organising Fundraisers for you, for goodness sake. Charity begins at home. They are NOT your "friends", if they were they'd be helping you not condemning you.
As much as I appreciate your support, remember this was just one person. If she went around and told people that I was reluctant to help, and some people believed it, then I'm sure I would feel the heat. This is a pretty good group of people and I'm not quite ready to give up.
As for dealing with this sort of rudeness when it's out of the blue, as far as I'm concerned, poking your nose into someone else's business/health issues/pain levels like that is rude and presumptuous, so you are entitled to be rude straight back.
I would say "excuse me?" when someone says something you don't like. This forces them to repeat themselves and hopefully realise what they said. If they persist, its time to say "what part of NO did you not understand?", or even accuse her of being thoughtless and rude (which she was).
That's actually a pretty good idea. I could start there.
I would actually be a bit more proactive and vocal about your physical limitations in general. We all know folks who love to complain and be treated like they're fragile, there's no reason why you can't get some sympathy and help too but you sound like one of those who sits quietly and hopes someone notices your discomfort. Forget it, it's not going to happen. People are extremely selfish.
Aw, I was just trying to be polite... unwarranted, I agree. I don't sit around hoping people will notice. A bunch of people there already know about my limitations, because I have spoken up previously, and as I said, this person knows about it. It was just her initial reaction that set me off.
You need to be more outspoken, more sure of your own mind, less intimidated by others.
Personally I never do a damn thing that doesn't suit me, anymore. It makes life a heck of a lot more fun.
LOL I love this attitude. When I turned 50 I began to realize that the older we get the more we get to speak our minds and never give any thought to what someone else thinks. It does take practice!!
Thanks for the replies. I guess I need some stock answers like those.
In this particular situation, I'm trying to be easy on this group because I am new and looking for some friends. (Maybe that's my problem!!! )
I really appreciate the input!
Joan, I don't know your situation but if this is something important to you let me offer a stock thing
Give the other person a chance to save face so they can gracefully back off and try again. Something like, "Oh you must not know, I am physically unable to do these sorts of things. Wish I could, but I am glad to help with ______."
People are often careless or thoughtless or maybe she was busy pulling this together and totally forgot. This gives her a chance to do better. And it gives you a chance to make a judgement as to whether you want to continue with them or not.
Joan, I don't know your situation but if this is something important to you let me offer a stock thing
Give the other person a chance to save face so they can gracefully back off and try again. Something like, "Oh you must not know, I am physically unable to do these sorts of things. Wish I could, but I am glad to help with ______."
People are often careless or thoughtless or maybe she was busy pulling this together and totally forgot. This gives her a chance to do better. And it gives you a chance to make a judgement as to whether you want to continue with them or not.
You rule
Beautifully explained. I totally agree, especially since right now when you are hoping to make new friends.
Joan, I don't know your situation but if this is something important to you let me offer a stock thing
Give the other person a chance to save face so they can gracefully back off and try again. Something like, "Oh you must not know, I am physically unable to do these sorts of things. Wish I could, but I am glad to help with ______."
People are often careless or thoughtless or maybe she was busy pulling this together and totally forgot. This gives her a chance to do better. And it gives you a chance to make a judgement as to whether you want to continue with them or not.
You rule
Wow. Thanks! That can be taken different ways, but I like it!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caladium
Beautifully explained. I totally agree, especially since right now when you are hoping to make new friends.
Thank you, theoldnorthstate and Caladium,
Good thoughts indeed, and I do try to let people down gently. With this particular person, she already knew about the problem, but immediately reacted by being judgmental. It gets a little tiresome, you know?
Well, gotta agree that you can only explain things nicely so many times and the you have to get a little more pointed about it.
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