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I have given up the concept that moving somewhere else will make my life happier.
The old adage applies "Wherever you go, there you are." In almost all issues of my life, I am my worse enemy and I am also my best friend. I am who I am, good and bad, wherever I live.
Will I be happier??? Will It be less expensive??? I am well beyond the concept of asking whether I will be successful or not---I am permanently out of the race. Will I be healthier??? No, it will not happen.
Brightdoglover, you have your house, your familiarity with the area---humidity or no humidity is not a big cause to move and give up what you have.
I have lived in the Denver area for 31 years. It turned out that it was a very good move to good weather and a very progressive region and it is a much better city than when I arrived. But, I did not move here with those issues in mind, it just was fate and the place I wandered and sat down. If Denver, turned out now, to be much less perfect; I do not think that I would move on, seeking a better place. For I am at the end of the road; the familiarity and comfort in my surroundings are much more important than any other concerns. The energy of my youth is gone and I am here to stay.
That's how I sort of lumped into the Boston/Cambridge area when I was 20. A vague plan to become a state resident and go to state college out in the countryside. Never made it there. After 1 1/2 years of junk jobs and poverty, I got a great job the same week I got accepted into a five-year B.A. program I'd craved for some time. Hard thinking- Do I want to be paid to live in Boston or borrow money to move to Virginia?
I left the Boston area three times hence, twice wanting a "true home," and the third time to demolish the need for home. Flopped back all three times and finally noticed that this area seems to work for me in a realistic way.
I do think my wishes to live in the Mountain West include a large portion of wishful thinking as to how I'd be different. So I think I'll stick with vacations now and maybe continue to try and find a way for summers (or more time in the summer) in retirement.
I find these discussions very valuable on CD.
Well, brightdoglover, IF I ever get out to CO (IF nothing else happens), you are cordially invited to come for a visit. Hopefully that will be next year - the first half of the year. We'll see.........
Wisteria - No, I have not heard from either Anomoly or Dancing. Very strange, although, both have dropped out of sight before. If you have their TNs - you could try calling. Hope all is well.
Thank you for the invite to Colorado. I might not be going in 2010, having spent way too much money in 2009! However, I have an elderly friend in Montrose, and have determined to try and see her every year as long as she's still with us. Gotta see how the money goes and house/car/dog needs kick up.
If I do go, I'll certainly post to meet up with anyone in the area, thank you.
Hi to all!
I'm posting this on the possibility that there are some women on the thread that are within reasonable proximity of Asheville NC. The link indicated below will take you to the information site. The rest is pretty much self-explanatory. I'm not all that close to Asheville just now having moved closer to the Carolina coast BUT am considering making the trek westward and attending.
If nothing else, it provides a template for some of the discussions that could take place here amongst us. Being as we are women (everybody check first to see if that is true).........ok, that was the easy part.....and we are likely all in the second half of a very very liberated period of our lives (that may take some reflection and involves math - NOT that we aren't just fine and dandy in math but we want to maintain the facade of being ever so puzzled so men feel like they have a purpose).
Asheville is very caught up in the co-housing/building community effort and I attended an event last spring at Highland Rocks. I went more excited than I came back but that is sometimes better than having the general unrealistic retreat high that sometimes occurs. I felt it made me reflect more on what I really wanted. However, with that said, it does appear a great deal of action is happening in Asheville so again, that may be where I find myself lending an ear once more.
I believe Anomoly posted the mission/vision/exhortation whatever statement from Women Living in Community here before. I could be wrong on that but go to the site and read what they have to say.
Home: Women Living in Community (http://womenlivingincommunity.com/wlichome.html - broken link)
Tricia - who is one step closer physically and miles closer mentally to her dream. In fact, i figure this process i'm in, uncomfortable as it is, is actually the dream in the molding, formative stage and like a new pair of trifocals, getting used to something new isn't always pleasant.
Brightdog,
You hit something very close to home in your previous post and you reiterated it here (is there spell check on this?)
the whole " When I do ______________, then I will have _____________, and then I will be _____________." (you phrased it differently but I pulled up the later post and so have paraphrased.) I listened to a speaker in a woman's forum recently and she asked up to put the following words in order "do, have, be". After a momentary pause, this upbeat lady went through examples, "When I finish school, then I will have a good job, and then I will be secure."; "When I move to Newark NJ, then I will have friends, then I will be happy." (ok, laugh - the Newark part was a joke - no offense to ANYONE from Newark - never ever have been there but I'm sure it is wonderful)
I'm sure everyone else here has already figured it out and I know the story about enjoying the journey and not always dreaming of the station you want to get to, but it really resonated this time when she went through the room and asked "what do you want? - what will get it for you? " And we answered things like "I want to be secure, safe , stable, rich, popular, famous, rested, etc". another pregnant pause (short pregnancy) and she looked directly at me and said "be safe. Make that choice. Not 'when','then'..... but BE it now. "
Her point was that even if you say "i'm trying to be happy, content , secure, etc" then you have just said that you aren't. A matter of semantics in some ways and yet it's true. It shows you aren't where you want to be and her thing is be what you want to be now, in spite of circumstances, in spite of all the internal and external fluctuations. (I'm saying all of this prior to taking any meds this morning so I'm impressed )
So she said the order of things was "be, do, have" - so i spent the next several days trying to reverse my thought pattern which as a longshot I'll throw out here "when i am out of this self-destructive relationship that I am in, I will have peace beyond belief, and then I will be happy, contented, stable, secure, etc" . I tried reversing the order and putting the BE first but it didn't work....all i could think was "easy for her to say - just being happy doesn't necessarily take care of all the rest...."
eureka - it hit me about a week after that. It isn't just deciding how to sequence the events, it was about attitude/outlook. I consider myself to be a great optimist and yet i see throughout my life that i have done the do this, have this,or have this, do this , then i'll be..............
this is likely not profound to others - i would say i have known this all my life and i have loved my life in so many ways but i have spent way too much worry and anxiety over what takes place around me and in me.
I just sat there driving down I85 and said "be happy", "be safe", "be secure" - anyone watching my car was likely trying to find what radio station i had on because i was having so much fun in a car by myself but it honestly was for me one of those epiphanies. (spell check - spell check)
You said so much in the posts that I read that you wrote that reflect a lot of that and I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading them. You are right - this forum/group does voice so many things we all appear to value.
So having backslidden repeatedly since my epiphany and wallowed in self-pity, anxiety, freakout etc and tried every which way to figure out how the heck to put on my jogging shoes and run like hell, I visited old friends for a combined high school reunion (class of 68, 69, 70 - mine was the baby class/1970) and going back to the "beginning" - the highschool years, the college years, the progressions into adulthood, made me take stock (with a little help from my friends) and got me off my butt. Running shoes don't do a lot when you just run around in the same small circle. I left with marching orders to just do what i needed to do. DO IT.
That's where the BE thing came back to me again. I don't have to DO IT as they urged me in order to be happy, secure, etc but i do have to DO IT. I have to take care of things but taking care of them won't be/can't be what makes me happy or any other feeling. I just have to be whatever it is i want to be and then do the things I need to do because they need doing.
I feel like a newborn somedays that it has taken me 57 years to figure out what most of you likely already figured out some time back but if not, maybe someone else is saying "wow, i'm glad I'm not the only one who is confused." or you might be saying "wow, drop some adderol and gain your focus." With that said, I'm off to start my day, head up to Greensboro to continue some necessary chores and i'll take my advice, where is that adderol......................................."
disjointed from birth but actually quite delighted in my little world,
tricia (good thing they didn't have ritalin when i was young because if my growth had been inhibited anymore than it was my genes, I would be the incredible shrinking woman...............hmmm, take my calcium as well)
Quote:
Originally Posted by brightdoglover
That's how I sort of lumped into the Boston/Cambridge area when I was 20. A vague plan to become a state resident and go to state college out in the countryside. Never made it there. After 1 1/2 years of junk jobs and poverty, I got a great job the same week I got accepted into a five-year B.A. program I'd craved for some time. Hard thinking- Do I want to be paid to live in Boston or borrow money to move to Virginia?
I left the Boston area three times hence, twice wanting a "true home," and the third time to demolish the need for home. Flopped back all three times and finally noticed that this area seems to work for me in a realistic way.
I do think my wishes to live in the Mountain West include a large portion of wishful thinking as to how I'd be different. So I think I'll stick with vacations now and maybe continue to try and find a way for summers (or more time in the summer) in retirement.
I find these discussions very valuable on CD.
Triciajeanne - You'd be surprised with how many have not figured this out any sooner than you have and in some cases, are still working it out. Figuring it all out and knowing what to do about it are two different things..Lots of luck on your journey!
Amen. I don't think too many people have come up with or actually walked the walk of what you describe.
I think middle-aged women might especially suffer from the erroroneous thinking. Just anecdotally, I think when younger, women were anticipating a period of time of marriage/motherhood. Whether it did or didn't happen, I've seen women sort of putting other things on hold as if "real life" was waiting further down the road.
If said women do end up in marriage/motherhood, I've seen a lot more putting off, partly due to the necessities of the present (and the limits) and partly because the dreams maybe weren't realistic or pressing enough to make them a priority, however, they remain a "when I..."
Kids grow and leave (one hopes). Many marriages end. Person finds herself in 40s-50s without a clear plan and no or fewer pressing family responsibilities. Often, unable to make a good living, a single-person living, for the decisions and things from the past.
How many of us know women who, in such a position, decide they're going to do what they didn't do 25-30 years earlier, and how many realize that the passage of time changes almost everything? That you didn't miss a thing by not getting that bachelor's degree in Chinese interpretive dance, or that you're not going to be a psychologist with a very old B.A. in psych or English.
I have always said that it's great, perfect, wonderful to try the things and moves you want to try. You find out what it is, and what it isn't. I think a lot of people never try because they'd rather believe that they're missing something great, and not finding out it wasn't so great. I think people often set up their lives so they cannot find out, maybe for the same reason.
Then, you could end up like me- having tried virtually every path I thought I wanted to, and being smack out of good daydreams; certainly none that I can take seriously.
Hence I should stop obsessing about Mountain West real estate. I'm not going. As Live Content pointed out, it's not about humidity! I've made enough changes to know roughly how much difference they make (if any). I just don't believe my own hype anymore.
It's a good thing. When I left a great job in Boston at age 25 to try out a daydream, vitually every one at the great job was envious that I was doing a dream, and I heard all their dreams. Well, I flopped back (minus great job) in eight months, and learned I wasn't sorry that "It didn't work out." It worked out great. I always wanted to do that, and I did it, and now I don't wanna do it again or more.
Rinse, lather, repeat.
I much appreciate the thoughtful posts in this discussion.
Location: Monterey Bay, California -- watching the sea lions, whales and otters! :D
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Great posts by Triciajeanne and Brightdoglover!
I think that on this thread, in particular, are many women who have tried "dreams," whether or not they were realized. Many women here have talked about what they have done, where they have gone, how they did it, the turns they made, the people they met or left behind. These women here are women of fortitude and action – which doesn't mean that they attain their "dreams," because sometimes dreams are just that – dreams. It is the actual journey that is the important part.
For me, the women I feel most sorry for are those lost in dead marriages, plodding along hoping that magically something will change for them. I actually know a few people like that, and am mystified that denial is so strong.
As you know, I have found a spot in Santa Cruz, however, the other day I began daydreaming about the desert again! I started becoming wistful about it, wondering if maybe I should've just chucked everything and gone to New Mexico or some other deserty place. Then I caught myself – realized that I actually have a great place to be, and that there are many great places to be – but you can only BE in one place at a time. I just told myself that I had to live in someplace, but could always visit the other. It was kind of funny to me to realize I was doing that, and actually had to scold myself for thinking that way.
Sometimes there is no perfect place, but, as Livecontent said, "Wherever I go, there I am." I think that some of us are just wired to have adventures, to want to experience life to the fullest, and those "dreams" are part and parcel of that kind of spirit. At least we feel we have choices, whereas I have met women who did not feel that way – they truly believed that they were stuck and very unhappy. So, I think we are a good group of open-minded adventurous women. I think we will always dream. And we should! Dreams can become reality – and like in sleeping dreams, sometimes that reality may not look exactly as we had envisioned it. But it is still a dream realized!
Acceptance of what is can be good – especially if we worked toward that "what is." That, to me, is the difference. Being stuck in what we "should" be doing, or what "might have been," can be unhealthy. Appreciating your current situation, especially if you chose that situation, is good. There are just so many choices, that sometimes it seems difficult to be happy with just one choice – like going to a smorgasbord of life and only getting to choose one thing. I think that's why many of us have ventured out so far and wide, tried and done so many things, met so many people, and have continued to push ourselves.
When it is all said and done, I am glad that I have tried a lot of things in this lifetime. I realize that no matter what I accumulate, that it will not come with me. It is a constant theme in my life. Experiences are what I have lived for – and I've certainly had plenty of them! Now, I'm more into experiencing the experience in one place, and being peaceful with that. I guess maybe I have matured!
It is interesting to observe our own behavior. I am glad that this group exists. I think in our own ways we are the forerunners of the new retirement! I have read so many wonderfully creative, inventive and uplifting suggestions, experiences, and ideas, that I think we are not the norm.
My dad always said we had part Gypsy in us, and I think he's right. He'd chuckle that I had his Gypsy gene. With that comes the longing for something new, some different spark. Yet, I am aging, and ready to settle in. However, I am glad that I have ventured forth, tried many new things (and survived them!), and now I am learning to appreciate to "Be Here Now!"
As always, many great thoughts here! If we only lived in the same place, we could create our own traveling troupe of great women retirees!! Hmmm, maybe I need to get on that road again…….
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Women Living In Community Event Oct 10th
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(good thing they didn't have ritalin when i was young because if my growth had been inhibited anymore than it was my genes, I would be the incredible shrinking woman...............hmmm, take my calcium as well) 
