Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have perused this thread from time to time, and generally refrain from airing my dirty laundry on internet forums. However, my relationship with my 34 year old daughter has reached the point where the word "estranged" seems appropriate.
Background:
Her mother and I divorced when she was 2 years old. I was a career military man, who transferred away from her location, soon after the divorce. This was for a 4 year period, in which I managed to visit her about twice a year. I was able to transfer back to her location, and spent the last 6 years of my career there, retiring in 1995 when she was 12. During that period, I spent time with her weekly, and we had a good relationship.
After retirement, I returned to my boyhood home, which is at the other end of the state from where my daughter lives, and a 5 hour drive. I managed to attend most major school events, birthdays, and holidays. During her mid-teens, my daughter became engrossed in radical feminism. This has escalated throughout adulthood, and is at it's peak today. I have neither encouraged or rejected this, although inwardly, I dislike all forms of extremism.
There was a rift between her mother and I concerning college funding. In which her mother (for the first time) painted me as a bum for not paying my fair share. This created an issue between my daughter and I. Part of the problem, was my daughter's passionate choosing of Theater as a college major, never mind the fact that she couldn't get a decent part in a high school play for 4 years. I was vocal in my opposition to this, and our relationship never recovered.
True to my belief, the B.A. in Theater proved useless. Her uncle, an attorney, got her a clerical job with a law firm, in which she has remained ever since. She has never married or had children.
Over the last decade, we have talked over the phone on holidays, birthdays, and Father's Day. Gifts consist of an exchange of Amazon Gift Cards. I have seen her in person, exactly once, 2 years ago. Mainly because we have so little in common, there is nothing to talk about to warrant a 5 hour drive and the expense. She travels extensively, but doesn't visit me, because she finds small towns "revolting".
The final nail in the coffin:
This past Thanksgiving. A routine phone conversation between the two of us. I casually mention that I had never in my lifetime witnessed a reaction to a Presidential Election like this one. With young women marching and crying in the streets. My daughter then launched into a tirade about LGBT rights, and how Trump was a threat to them. Then she stated that I was one of Trump's "basket of deplorables". The conversation continued to become more angry, until finally she hung up.
In the succeeding 3 plus months, I have had no contact with her. Her birthday was February 13th. I called her, but she refused to return my call.
It is what it is. This day has been brewing for 20 years, and me voting for Trump has forced it to it's climax. Life goes on.
BLS, this does not surprise me with the high tempers right now of the left. It's sad really. I voted for him too, so I agree with you, but as far as the estrangement goes, that is how mine happened too, when I said no for the first time. Mine was no, they could not shack up in my house! These young people do not accept us when we stop being their free rides.
Good luck to you.
My son leans conservative. I'm a 1960s liberal. I understand where he's coming from. He's a successful business man, part owner in a small company, and he's fiercely independent. Do I think he made the best choice in this election? Nope, but I take comfort in knowing his value system led him to his options. Try and understand your daughter. Know the pieces that make her 'her'.
I see the point in defining "estranged." When I told my lawyer I specifically did not want my sister to get anything in my will, she asked, "Did you have a falling out?" and I had to realize, "No, we never had a falling in."
My story is so long I'm not going to be able to type it all out. But here's a quick peek.....let's just say for now that I have one child, he is married and they have 6 children.
I haven't been able to see them for almost 2 years and I miss and love them very much. To put it in short terms, their other grandmother is from the south, lives in the south and will die in the south, I am from the West Coast and she hates me, my grandchildren live a mile from her, you can may figure out the rest of the story from there. The hilarious thing is I study genalogy and I am amused that some of my ancestors probably lived in that part of the south for literally hundreds of years that this woman lives in and my family may have deeper roots there than she does.
I have just left the part of my life when all of the older generation have died, it happened so quickly, in about 5 years' time, including 3 of my half siblings. It seems like they were probably my nicest and most favorite siblings and the ones that are left seem so distant and cold to me, they are also half siblings, I never made this distinction before my parents died but now that I never hear from them, in my mind the "half" part of it seems to be increasing my separation from them.
My grandparents raised me because my parents were really irresponsible to put it into one word. My parents have both now died. My dad was a domestic spouse abuser and abused alcohol. My mom told me many times if they had the pill in the 60s I would have never been born. She abandoned 3 of her 5 children, I was one of them, even though I kept in touch with her until the moment she died, she was verbally abusive and constantly for my entire life told me how horrible my father was. I finally gained the courage at age 55 to tell her one time that I wasnt the one who had picked out my father, she had, she really didn't like to hear that, but I am glad I said it. It was left to me to "do something with her ashes" after she died. I kept them in a cardboard box inside a Tupperware container for 5 years because I did not know what she had wanted....I finally opened the box at her favorite beach last April and she flew across the beach in about 3 seconds, I should have done that a long time ago. I took her on every road trip all over the country with me, she travelled more dead than alive I can say that for sure, and I left her with 3 different relatives for 3 weeks each.
I had always kept in touch with my parents because I am a forgiving person.
I have my husband of 20 years right now and that is enough for me. And our 2 little dogs, they love us unconditionally.
It seems that the younger people are either too busy or on their cell phones to keep in touch with old people...
My story is so long I'm not going to be able to type it all out. But here's a quick peek.....let's just say for now that I have one child, he is married and they have 6 children.
I haven't been able to see them for almost 2 years and I miss and love them very much. To put it in short terms, their other grandmother is from the south, lives in the south and will die in the south, I am from the West Coast and she hates me, my grandchildren live a mile from her, you can may figure out the rest of the story from there. The hilarious thing is I study genalogy and I am amused that some of my ancestors probably lived in that part of the south for literally hundreds of years that this woman lives in and my family may have deeper roots there than she does.
I have just left the part of my life when all of the older generation have died, it happened so quickly, in about 5 years' time, including 3 of my half siblings. It seems like they were probably my nicest and most favorite siblings and the ones that are left seem so distant and cold to me, they are also half siblings, I never made this distinction before my parents died but now that I never hear from them, in my mind the "half" part of it seems to be increasing my separation from them.
My grandparents raised me because my parents were really irresponsible to put it into one word. My parents have both now died. My dad was a domestic spouse abuser and abused alcohol. My mom told me many times if they had the pill in the 60s I would have never been born. She abandoned 3 of her 5 children, I was one of them, even though I kept in touch with her until the moment she died, she was verbally abusive and constantly for my entire life told me how horrible my father was. I finally gained the courage at age 55 to tell her one time that I wasnt the one who had picked out my father, she had, she really didn't like to hear that, but I am glad I said it. It was left to me to "do something with her ashes" after she died. I kept them in a cardboard box inside a Tupperware container for 5 years because I did not know what she had wanted....I finally opened the box at her favorite beach last April and she flew across the beach in about 3 seconds, I should have done that a long time ago. I took her on every road trip all over the country with me, she travelled more dead than alive I can say that for sure, and I left her with 3 different relatives for 3 weeks each.
I had always kept in touch with my parents because I am a forgiving person.
I have my husband of 20 years right now and that is enough for me. And our 2 little dogs, they love us unconditionally.
It seems that the younger people are either too busy or on their cell phones to keep in touch with old people...
I only have the one son too, and not having any other children to have in our lives leaves us so empty. I do wish God would have gave me more children.
My heart is with you.
I only have the one son too, and not having any other children to have in our lives leaves us so empty. I do wish God would have gave me more children.
My heart is with you.
It does not matter how many children somebody has. If you become estranged from one, having others does not lessen the pain and hurt of that estrangement.
This reminds me of people who say "Well it's a good thing you have other children" when a child dies or a couple suffers a miscarriage.
I'm sure the parent of 15 misses and mourns the loss of a child (either by death or estrangement) as much as the parent of only 1 child. Of course having other kids may mean less isolation and loneliness but in the still of the night, the pain is just as profound. And I'm sure when the parent of a singleton is estranged from their child, the anxiety about their future is probably more than parents of other adult children to depend or rely on. But the truth is none of us should have expectations about parent/adult child relationships. We can and should have dreams but not expectations. It's too easy and painful when those expectations are shattered by estrangement.
I make these comments as respectfully and as kind as I know how. It pains me to read the judgemental comments after one of us has opened up his or her soul to strangers. It is a brave and painful ordeal to tell our stories and I'm not ready to do it myself. Please let's respect each other and realize some people are sometimes a bit clumsy when expressing feelings or situations. Don't attack someone who already is dealing with the pain of estrangement.
I make these comments as respectfully and as kind as I know how. It pains me to read the judgementalcomments after one of us has opened up his or her soul to strangers. It is a brave and painful ordeal to tell our stories and I'm not ready to do it myself. Please let's respect each other and realize some people are sometimes a bit clumsy when expressing feelings or situations. Don't attack someone who already is dealing with the pain of estrangement.
Some things bear repeating, so I am quoting what you wrote in order to repeat it, even though I don't think the poster to whom you were responding was judging anybody. I have someone else in mind, but I have already rebutted that post. And over time, there have been other attack-mode posts too, some of which were removed by moderators. This is not the place.
I never meant to make light of your situation, or any others.. you are attacking me though. How ironic
I am so sorry you have taken my post as an attack. I have followed your participation in this thread and I have learned a lot. I was simply trying to say that having more than 1 child does not shield us from pain if a child decides to have no further contact. Pain is pain no matter what.
I know this is a sensitive subject and all of us have different responses. This was not meant as anything personal.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
