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Estrangement balances itself precariously on your window sill. All it takes is one misspeak. Never in a thousand years would I have thought it would happen to us. Our recent Christmas card from him was filled with words of appreciation for us as parents but then he met a woman, a woman with insecurities who thinks anyone who loves him, anyone he loves, is somehow a threat to her.
I posted on this subject awhile back, and when I saw it up today, had to look again at what had been said since last I visited. My situation with my children is very bad, because it is relative to me, but some of the other folks posting here have just as bad if not worse a situation than mine that they are dealing with. I see that too, there are some comments are from people that apparently either haven't gone through this situation, or maybe cannot grasp the emotion of losing contact with your children, and not knowing, or understanding the reasons why. Everyone here is entitled to an opinion. That is the purpose of having an open discussion like this. But, it must be remembered that sometimes circumstances forces people into situations that defy reason, and explanation, and they are left to deal with the emotions as best as they can. Some situations have a basis for the fact, but other times it is just simply a personal decision of the child, or the parent to estrange, one from the other. As heart-breaking as these situations are, though, I hope that everyone, including my wife and I find closure, and can enjoy our lives. We are slowly coming to grips with what has happened with us. Even though we have 5 children, and 4 grandchildren (that we are aware of), and most likely will never see any of them again, my wife and I have each other, and the rest of our lives to enjoy. In the beginning, there were many tears, many sleepless nights, and a lot of self doubt about our parenting abilities after this all began. Then the last child just recently decided her world would not have room for us in it and commented in a farewell letter to me about how I should never have had children, and I wasn't of the caliber to raise the ones I did father. This, from a daughter that got pregnant out of wedlock, gave the child up for adoption, then, in a few short years, married the man that got her pregnant with the first child she gave up, and had three more children by him. The arrogance of her actions, and ignorance of her statement did not even justify a response from me. As I write this, I realize I still hold resentment over the actions of my children. But, we all have free will in this life, and if that is their choice, so be it. I suppose, though, there is a comfort, if that's the right word, in knowing we aren't alone in these situations.
Estrangement balances itself precariously on your window sill. All it takes is one misspeak. Never in a thousand years would I have thought it would happen to us. Our recent Christmas card from him was filled with words of appreciation for us as parents but then he met a woman, a woman with insecurities who thinks anyone who loves him, anyone he loves, is somehow a threat to her.
ipoetry, your pain is palpable, it's a heartbreaking situation.
I'm wondering why you seem to assign the bulk of the responsibility to your daughter-in-law. Are you saying your son has little or no choice in how he treats you?
This, from a daughter that got pregnant out of wedlock, gave the child up for adoption, then, in a few short years, married the man that got her pregnant with the first child she gave up, and had three more children by him. The arrogance of her actions, and ignorance of her statement did not even justify a response from me.
To whom was she arrogant? How was the statement ignorant?
Why does their giving up a child for adoption, then marrying and having other children together offend you?
The parallel lives we all lead -- while walking with stones in our hearts -- can rescue us from despair!
I have made several posts to this thread, including a detailed bio of my entire life leading up to my son's 38th birthday this past May. Never will I love anyone in this life the way I love my son. And the gap in our different stories of his childhood will never be closed. I made decisions he will never forgive. He has acted in ways toward me I will never forget.
All I have is today. And just for today I will enjoy my life. I will take a strong look at the way my mother is drowning in dementia. I will note she is 26 years my senior, and I am 26 years older than my son. I figure I have about 20 years left to become an actualized person. The biggest leap I can make is to find some peace within the relationship -- or lack of -- with my son and with myself.
For today, and hopefully many days ahead, I will no longer judge my son and I will no longer judge myself. 20 good years is what I ask for, and the first step for me is to release on this pain and find the path towards self fulfillment without him as an active participant in my daily life. Sobeit.
but then he met a woman, a woman with insecurities who thinks anyone who loves him, anyone he loves, is somehow a threat to her.
This exact situation is what happened with my brother. He married a woman who had a lot of mental problems (and many of her family also had mental issues). Gradually she became worse and became even more insecure and started making strange accusations about our family.
Now my brother has totally estranged himself from us. It is obvious that he has to deal with her mental illness and the threats she imagines our family poses (of taking him away from her). He has taken the path of bowing to her demands that he eliminate us from his life. I think this is easiest for him because, of course, he can't solve her mental illness. One time she even told me, "When I'm dead you can have him back."
Perhaps some estranged children have the same issue. It's easier to bow to the demands of their very insecure and/or mentally ill spouses, than to deal with the problem so that they can still have a relationship with their parents.
Perhaps some estranged children have the same issue. It's easier to bow to the demands of their very insecure and/or mentally ill spouses, than to deal with the problem so that they can still have a relationship with their parents.
Yes! Put a second or third person in the mix -- and the wrong person with her/his own set of motives and perspectives -- and things can get crazy. That, I believe, is the root of the fragile relationship my son and I share. The evil DIL However, utimately, the 2 people in the relationship have to take ownership and do -- or not-- what it takes to keep it going. So, be it your sibling, parent or child, 2 people need to have the ability to shut down interlopers or live with the consequences. I will work very hard to place my son's behavior squarely on his shoulders and ignore my internal noise about his wife.
You can't move on to a new chapter if you don't stop re-reading the old one...
I'll continue "re-reading the old one" until my remaining, alienated daughter finally accepts me because the final chapter hasn't yet been produced, nor is there closure for both of us.
If she ever corresponds and if she tells me she has absolutely no plans or desire to reunite, THEN the final chapter will have been written and I will simply spend the rest of my life enjoying our relationships with her four siblings. The ending to that last chapter will be the fact that she receives equal treatment in our wills and that won't change.
I'll continue "re-reading the old one" until my remaining, alienated daughter finally accepts me because the final chapter hasn't yet been produced, nor is there closure for both of us.
If she ever corresponds and if she tells me she has absolutely no plans or desire to reunite, THEN the final chapter will have been written and I will simply spend the rest of my life enjoying our relationships with her four siblings. The ending to that last chapter will be the fact that she receives equal treatment in ourwills and that won't change.
You have a generosity of spirit that I don't believe I would be able to summon up if I were in your shoes.
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Moving on
However, utimately, the 2 people in the relationship have to take ownership and do -- or not-- what it takes to keep it going. So, be it your sibling, parent or child, 2 people need to have the ability to shut down interlopers or live with the consequences. I will work very hard to place my son's behavior squarely on his shoulders and ignore my internal noise about his wife. 
