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Does anybody else have children who are estranged? Our eldest son stopped talking to us about 8 years ago, his wife does'nt like us, we haven't seen our grandson since he was 4 or 5, he's now in jr. high school. We've seen our son maybe 4 times in 8 years, but when he stops by I ask what we've done to him and he says nothing. Although from what I understand they are doing well, I've only gotten peripheral info, but they seem to have a nice family except we are not a part of it. Our other son just got a divorce, now he's involved with another women, and now he doesn't bother with us. We've tried contacting him by calling and texting and he won't answer. We did nothing wrong, although what we know of his current relationship, its got more baggage than the last. We accepted his former wife, we did things together and accepted her son as one of our own, we supported him both financially and emotionally through his divorce. We feel cursed, and both my wife and I are broken hearted that we enjoyed our children, gave them a warm and loving home with no issues and now we are somehow the enemy. Has anyone else had to deal with this, and how did you get through it?
Of coarse , a lot of us do, and there usually is a reason for the estrangement. The first thing I would look at is thy self in the mirror. For both of your kids wanting to keep a distance usually means there is a lifestyle reason.it can be religion, politics , or just everyone evolved differently, usually there is outside influence that started the estrangement.
In my case I have been estranged from my son for more than 50 years.i suppose it all got it's start a few years after the divorce, I moved with my work to the four corners of the country. Our weekend visits were never normal when he was little and as I moved further away, the visits became less and less until His early teens when he would come out for two weeks every summer. I never remarried, nether did his mother, mostly because she lived a Gay lifestyle. It was easy to say that as both of us grew older there was lacking a father in his life, and a son in mine. He got into drugs , his lifestyle was so different than mine that we had so little to talk about. The only glue that connected us was my mother who saw little flaws in her grandson . One day his mother had had enough, and she showed up with him on my doorstep.. At this point I was not aware of the drugs, I enrolled him in school, everything seemed ok...until it all came crashing down and I found out that he had never went to school at all! It was tough for me too as I had little experience with kids in general, but , I could see things had to change. I laid out the new rules, private school, one on one intervention, I was ready for the challenge ......then soon after , his mother showed up and took him back, the biggest mistake she ever made and mine too for not fighting to keep him and straightening out his life. ........that was about the end of what little relationship we had. O yes I would here from him time to time, when he wanted money. I always sent a birthday card, money ,seldom did I ever get a response. Ya, we would have dinner in a restraint when I was in town, maybe twice a year, some years less. ......Years went by, he never married, I did, twice, settled down got married again and now thirty seven years later still married to same woman, no kids ever, I was soured on children from the one and only experience. He is in his fifties now, trying to stay sober and has a long term girlfriend. I haven't seen him for several years since my mother past a way. Of late we have sort of reconnected on Facebook as " friends" that's about all.
So you see, there are a lot of ways to connect to family and there are a lot of self blame, justified or not. I will always blame myself for not connecting more ...when he was little, we grew apart, doubtful much will ever change, we remain strangers......and that is a sad thing for this old guy of 73 years.
"Of coarse , a lot of us do, and there usually is a reason for the estrangement. The first thing I would look at is thy self in the mirror. For both of your kids wanting to keep a distance usually means there is a lifestyle reason.it can be religion, politics , or just everyone evolved differently, usually there is outside influence that started the estrangement."
"So you see, there are a lot of ways to connect to family and there are a lot of self blame, justified or not. I will always blame myself for not connecting more ...when he was little, we grew apart, doubtful much will ever change, we remain strangers......and that is a sad thing for this old guy of 73 years."
I definitely hear you, yes, I have looked in the mirror and asked myself where I went wrong. My kids were only a little over a year apart in age, during their high school years I was unemployed and struggling to keep our heads above water and a roof over our heads. My wife was a stay at home mom until I lost my job and she went to work full time while I worked where I could on part time assignments, sometimes two and three jobs. I keep thinking I somehow lost touch during our years of struggle, that age in their teens is tough even without challenges, maybe I wasn't the Dad they needed at that time in their lives?
I guess as we grow older we begin to look at all of our scars from life and realize some wounds will never heal. In the end, on that final day, all we can do is own our life with all of the best we have done and with all our imperfections.
I definitely hear you, yes, I have looked in the mirror and asked myself where I went wrong. My kids were only a little over a year apart in age, during their high school years I was unemployed and struggling to keep our heads above water and a roof over our heads. My wife was a stay at home mom until I lost my job and she went to work full time while I worked where I could on part time assignments, sometimes two and three jobs. I keep thinking I somehow lost touch during our years of struggle, that age in their teens is tough even without challenges, maybe I wasn't the Dad they needed at that time in their lives?
I guess as we grow older we begin to look at all of our scars from life and realize some wounds will never heal. In the end, on that final day, all we can do is own our life with all of the best we have done and with all our imperfections.
If that is the cause, as your sons mature they will be ready to recognize it. Most of us have done the best we can. As you can see by the length of this thread, you are not alone. I've been there, but am happy to say that is no longer the case.
You'll read much different points of view on the Parenting forum. It's difficult for anybody with young children to conceive of losing their spot as the center of their child's universe, and many will say it must be your fault. But, it's NOT always true.
If that is the cause, as your sons mature they will be ready to recognize it. Most of us have done the best we can. As you can see by the length of this thread, you are not alone. I've been there, but am happy to say that is no longer the case.
You'll read much different points of view on the Parenting forum. It's difficult for anybody with young children to conceive of losing their spot as the center of their child's universe, and many will say it must be your fault. But, it's NOT always true.
Boy are you right! I'm getting hit pretty hard over there, but it's been an active thread. But it's also made me reflect a little more on causes and the other side of it, and so I stay there and keep it coming because I do want to fight for my kids affections and I won't give up on them ever. I agree with you though, what we expect when our kids are young and who they become when they grow up, can be vastly different. It kills us to look at all the family pictures on the wall, seems so long ago. Like you said, we hope they grow up and realize we are just human, we have our weaknesses and we're not perfect, but we love them unconditionally even if we disagree. That's family.
BTW- did you re-connect with your kid(s)?
Last edited by snowtired14; 02-03-2015 at 02:44 PM..
Boy are you right! I'm getting hit pretty hard over there, but it's been an active thread. But it's also made me reflect a little more on causes and the other side of it, and so I stay there and keep it coming because I do want to fight for my kids affections and I won't give up on them ever. I agree with you though, what we expect when our kids are young and who they become when they grow up, can be vastly different. It kills us to look at all the family pictures on the wall, seems so long ago. Like you said, we hope they grow up and realize we are just human, we have our weaknesses and we're not perfect, but we love them unconditionally even if we disagree. That's family.
BTW- did you re-connect with your kid(s)?
We did indeed Snowtired, and it gives me hope for you.
My wife and I (in our mid-60s) moved from a wonderful climate
We are now both quite heartbroken and wonder why we moved here.
People change when they get married. People change when they have kids. People just change. Move back where you came from? Why not stay where you are at for a while, a few years, see if things change... I've seen it happen with our kids and grand-kids... I don't think the religious statement makes anything better...
People change when they get married. People change when they have kids. People just change. Move back where you came from? Why not stay where you are at for a while, a few years, see if things change... I've seen it happen with our kids and grand-kids... I don't think the religious statement makes anything better...
Being judgmental , when it comes to Religion is a deal breaker., only money is second, mix the two and you can open the gates of Hell.
As someone who loves people and loves being alone, I've realized through the years...
It's ok to let people go whose love isn't beautiful.
It's impossible to let people go whose love is beautiful.
I'm trying to make sense of this in relation to the thread topic. Are you speaking as a son who evaluates his parents' love as beautiful or not, did you "let go" or not one of your parents based upon that? Please elaborate.
As someone who experienced love from my parent's that wasn't beautiful, I thought I would make things simple by suggesting that that may be the cause.
And the solution.
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I'm trying to make sense of this in relation to the thread topic. Are you speaking as a son who evaluates his parents' love as beautiful or not, did you "let go" or not one of your parents based upon that? Please elaborate.
