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NYgal, same situation here. Off and on estrangement with daughter. SIL killed himself a year and half ago, thought relationship with daughter would get better. No, she got deeper into her church and let them take over her mind. She finally "friended" me on FB but every thing I posted made her defensive. Then I made the mistake of calling her half-brother just that, half-brother. She went berserk!! Told me what a rotten mother I had been, which, I long ago apologized for and told her how sorry I was that drink and drugs had screwed me up. Told me I was already dead and buried to her.
I finally realized she is too damaged to have a relationship with. No matter how hard we have tried, her father and stepmother really demonized me. Even when the kid found out her husband was screwing the stepmother, (just like she did my husband, her father) I get all the hatred.
So I have accepted the situation and no longer let it tear my heart out. I live my life, she lives hers and the twain shall never meet anymore.
NYgal, same situation here. Off and on estrangement with daughter. SIL killed himself a year and half ago, thought relationship with daughter would get better. No, she got deeper into her church and let them take over her mind. She finally "friended" me on FB but every thing I posted made her defensive. Then I made the mistake of calling her half-brother just that, half-brother. She went berserk!! Told me what a rotten mother I had been, which, I long ago apologized for and told her how sorry I was that drink and drugs had screwed me up. Told me I was already dead and buried to her.
I finally realized she is too damaged to have a relationship with. No matter how hard we have tried, her father and stepmother really demonized me. Even when the kid found out her husband was screwing the stepmother, (just like she did my husband, her father) I get all the hatred.
So I have accepted the situation and no longer let it tear my heart out. I live my life, she lives hers and the twain shall never meet anymore.
Life is not always nice. I have often listened to women friends talk about their shopping trips with their daughters, going to their children's college graduations followed by their marriages, children, wonderful jobs. How the kids are always there when parents (mother, usually) need them.
I've just listened in awe wondering how can that be? When I think about my relationships with my kids, we don't even come close.
And surprisingly I heard from daughter today by way of Facebook. It's one of those reactions where I wasn't so glad I got a note from her. Always waiting for the "other shoe" to drop. I don't feel I can really trust her to tell me truth or to even maintain a relationship.
I am sorry you have had such painful things in your life, too. I guess a lot of us mothers have stories.
It's when I decided the she was as toxic to me as I apparently am to her that I was able to let go. To be truthful, I feel so much better now. I really do. I need to take care of myself because 'S and stress don't get along. I have put up a wall so now she does not stress me out. I've spent most of her life trying to make up for my being a bad mother but getting kicked in the teeth, so it's time to end it.
It's when I decided the she was as toxic to me as I apparently am to her that I was able to let go. To be truthful, I feel so much better now. I really do. I need to take care of myself because 'S and stress don't get along. I have put up a wall so now she does not stress me out. I've spent most of her life trying to make up for my being a bad mother but getting kicked in the teeth, so it's time to end it.
I am in complete agreement with you. I am glad you are at the point of taking care of yourself. I did reach that point, too. I believe my daughter is a "player" who needs to be the center of attention. And like you, I just don't want to play that game anymore. I guess I've always felt I was a disappointing mother for her. But then I had two sisters whose kids never did to them what mine has done to me. During my recent first visit with my daughter I really listened to what she was saying and I thought, my God she is mentally ill. What a release that was for me.
I've written in CD about how I wanted to move away, mainly talked about NC. I had to face reality tho that I don't have the money. I'm in debt so I am stuck. I've talked about this here before and many people had wonderful suggestions. But some of the suggestions, as good as they sound, are just not do-able, at least for me. The fact of the matter is I wanted to run away from it all.
Hang in there. You and I are not alone in this. So many people suffer from it.
I have no anger for my son left, no anger toward his new wife. Those feelings are gone. What I do feel is sorry for him. He's missing out on so much and I know he's wretched in the choices he's made for himself. I've made choices too. I'm choosing the silence over the shards of glass. Every conversation used to be a potential minefield. Now I have peace. I also have faith because I raised a good son and he'll come around but I'm not standing still waiting for him to wake up. I'm not letting anyone suck the happiness from me.
I've been back to therapy to discuss the latest drama here in my life with the SD36, her rotten loser husband and their kids... Therapist tells me that "Everyone Lies" and all those women in your life who tell you how great everything is with their kids and how they all hold hands and skip down the street together are NOT sharing the entire truth with you. After much deliberation, I think my Therapist is correct. Everyone always *wants* to share only the greatest news, best things, happy moments and not say anything about the bad lest we cast ourselves in a negative light somehow.
I've been back to therapy to discuss the latest drama here in my life with the SD36, her rotten loser husband and their kids... Therapist tells me that "Everyone Lies" and all those women in your life who tell you how great everything is with their kids and how they all hold hands and skip down the street together are NOT sharing the entire truth with you. After much deliberation, I think my Therapist is correct. Everyone always *wants* to share only the greatest news, best things, happy moments and not say anything about the bad lest we cast ourselves in a negative light somehow.
I guess I need to take some lessons in lying. Just think of what I could do if I would only do that.
I've been back to therapy to discuss the latest drama here in my life with the SD36, her rotten loser husband and their kids... Therapist tells me that "Everyone Lies" and all those women in your life who tell you how great everything is with their kids and how they all hold hands and skip down the street together are NOT sharing the entire truth with you. After much deliberation, I think my Therapist is correct. Everyone always *wants* to share only the greatest news, best things, happy moments and not say anything about the bad lest we cast ourselves in a negative light somehow.
There are def happy and loving families out there. My friend has one. Four considerate children who all get along and love their parents. Lucky her. My kid was like that for 38 years until he met a hateful woman. No complaints from me because his ex wife is very good to me and generous with letting us see our grandkids. We are very fortunate that he did it right the first time.
Cutting someone out of your life isn't easy. Some people have no choice. We know two people who did it because it was the only way to eliminate the drama from their life. They both have a sibling who is a bottomless pit of need and a mother who babies the aforementioned sibling. One of them told us that apparently they should have learned how to read minds and anticipate needs in school.
Has anyone forgiven/not forgiven their parent(s) or their children? Is that even on your agenda? When I woke up just now, I realized that I really haven't forgiven my mother or my children. I thought I had but I really haven't -- but then forgiveness is always a process -- at least that is what I understand. I also understand that forgiving doesn't mean having to associate with that person again.
No, simply because in my situation the actions and behaviors are ongoing. It wouldn't be a matter of forgiving but rather accepting and life's to short to live for others. Live your own life and find good friends and happiness where and while you can. I'm estranged from several members of my family. I refuse to let bad people be part of my life. There's way too much positive to experience to worry about people who choose to be negative and judgemental.
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