Retirees, how do happy families manage to be happy? (weather, alcoholism, spouses)

[Curmudgeon]

Maybe they just don't know any better. Lucky them!

I have five children. They don't fight but they don't always get along or agree with one another. My wife has two daughters. They don't always get along with one another and some never do and never will. They don't all get along with us and some are totally uncommunicative; a few uncaring.

My wife and I are happy. We moved away from all the drama and don't allow anyone to drag us into their squabbles and negativity. Do we wish everyone got along as a cohesive family unit? Sure. Is that a realistic expectation? No! It is what it is and there are some control and mental health issues involved. We refuse to let it ruin our day. The children are all adults. Their lives are now in their hands. We enjoy our lives and one another.

[stan4]

My parents made me a priority when we were growing up.
I was supervised and had a SAHM and was given time and attention.
This was my model of the correct way to conduct family life. That family comes before work/career/etc.
On top of that, I saw my parents prioritize their family (taking care of aged parents, etc).
So now that my parents are older and retired, we spend tons of time together, live very close to each other, and have even traveled together.
We stay involved in each others' lives, and my son is very close to them.

We are good friends.

I know other families like this from various cultures.
The underlying theme has always been prioritizing family.

[cb2008]

So to me, being a good grandparent can provide something that a child may not experience from anyone else, and which could be of utmost importance to a child's sense of well-being and self esteem. And that is all a bonus -- just the precious memories alone can be some of the most treasured remembrances throughout a person's entire lifetime.

I love the above and also the entire post , anifani821. I believe in that totally.

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts on what makes for happy families.

There are 2 opinions i find interesting.

the key to a happy a marriage is two peoploe who think as both being important not just self.It means giving up self interest to a large degree ebcause you want to live happily over self interest.It starts with the married couple first then children second.

Happy partners make happy families, then.

And this:

"My parents made me a priority when we were growing up.
I was supervised and had a SAHM and was given time and attention.
This was my model of the correct way to conduct family life. That family comes before work/career/etc.
On top of that, I saw my parents prioritize their family (taking care of aged parents, etc).
So now that my parents are older and retired, we spend tons of time together, live very close to each other, and have even traveled together.
We stay involved in each others' lives, and my son is very close to them.

We are good friends."

Make children your priority, stay involved in their lives, and have a happy family.
How about in-laws?

[stan4]

In laws...that's about choosing well and setting boundaries.

[Curmudgeon]

Originally Posted by stan4

In laws...that's about choosing well and setting boundaries.

Hmm. Setting boundaries, absolutely. Choosing well? Sorry but in my country, parents don't arrange their childrens' marriages.

[Bette]

Originally Posted by stan4

My parents made me a priority when we were growing up.
I was supervised and had a SAHM and was given time and attention.
This was my model of the correct way to conduct family life. That family comes before work/career/etc.
On top of that, I saw my parents prioritize their family (taking care of aged parents, etc).
So now that my parents are older and retired, we spend tons of time together, live very close to each other, and have even traveled together.
We stay involved in each others' lives, and my son is very close to them.

We are good friends.

I know other families like this from various cultures.
The underlying theme has always been prioritizing family.

I was one of 4 children. Yes, family was made a priority. My mother was a SAHM, older than most moms at the time but not judgmental. Her actions did speak volumes though. Both my parents came from small families but did care for their parents (long distance) when needed. I remember when I was around 20, my father would fly to Chicago and stay with his parents and run their business. Never did I hear him or my mother complain. Ever.

Were we a perfect family? No. I could list tons of things that have happened - not anything perverted, just financial stuff. We all helped each other. My dad was the patriarch. If he said "be there, you were there" - I'm thinking of this on Mother's Day because for years, if one of us were far away, he flew us home (even if had to borrow money from one of us to do it) to be with our mother on that day. It was a big deal for him.

I also remember they honored each other on their anniversary. That was a big deal. If we, as children or even the grandchildren, got a little mouthy to her, he would support her in whatever decision she made (i.e. - wash your hands before dinner, change clothes, etc).

My parents moved away from their small families when we were young children ourselves. My father fell in love with South Florida. Little did he know that his fortunes would change dramatically but what is interesting is that the 4 of us all stayed here - within 15 minutes of them - married and produced 12 grandchildren for my parents (now from 22 to 29). Those 12, for the most part, live here except for our daughter. (Only 2 are married, one engaged)

My parents are both gone now and as the oldest of the 4, do I step into that role model like my dad or would it be my brother? All the grandchildren knew their grandparents and they were active in being with them, at their sports events, taking care of them while parents had commitments, etc.

Sure, from time to time, one might make a snarky comment about another but like my mother, I try to overlook it and really look for the positive - life is way too short and just be there for each other.

I have to laugh at myself the first year our daughter was living far away - I really thought my husband was going to fly her home for the weekend just like my dad had done!! (He told me today he will try to remember that for next year!)

Since my children are in their 20's and are not in relationships, it's easy to think that way. Once that dynamic changes, it can definitely change a family.

One thing that my mother did is constantly write positive notes to her children and then her grandchildren. She also would clip newspaper articles if something was pertinent to them and send it. Of course, today, you could just forward the article but there is still nothing like that handwritten note of encouragement.

One other thing - my parents knew our friends and they knew where we were. (We always wondered how they knew so much!)

[Escort Rider]

Originally Posted by stan4

My parents made me a priority when we were growing up.
I was supervised and had a SAHM and was given time and attention.
This was my model of the correct way to conduct family life. That family comes before work/career/etc.
On top of that, I saw my parents prioritize their family (taking care of aged parents, etc).
So now that my parents are older and retired, we spend tons of time together, live very close to each other, and have even traveled together.
We stay involved in each others' lives, and my son is very close to them.

I know other families like this from various cultures.
The underlying theme has always been prioritizing family.

Well and good. Certainly children learn more from example than from being preached at. If their parents have prioritized family, they will be much more likely to. And yet.....

First let's take stay-at-home-moms. In my view, other things being equal, stay-at-home-moms are preferable because kids have supervision and limits and feel cared for. But are other things always equal? No. My mother was a stay-at-home-mom but she was also mentally ill. Would my sister and I have been better off with less supervision and also less constant contact with her? I honestly do not know the answer to that, but I am raising it as a possibility.

Second, let's take the definition of "prioritizing family". In your extended family, I have the impression that this was meant in a positive, healthy sense. Therefore, please do not take what follows as a criticism of your practices or your post. But in the minds of some people, prioritizing family could be cover rhetoric for an oppressive regime of joined-at-the-hip togetherness which can feel smothering and tyrannical to a lot of people. I wish to offer some examples to make clear what I am talking about.

Let's take moving away as a first example, and let's say a young adult has unusual talent in classical music as an instrumentalist or vocalist and in addition feels called to that field as a deeply rewarding life-time profession. The opportunities for employment in major orchestras and professional choruses would probably require moving away from the "family" location. In a healthy family that young adult would go with blessings and wishes for success and would keep in touch and visit when possible and practical. But in the smothering, tyrannical "family comes first" scenario, there would be enormous pressure not to move away; there would be guilt trips and arguments leaving only the choice of compliance with the family sickness of too much togetherness which would lead to subsequent unhappiness and resentment due to the lost opportunity or, on the other hand, leaving anyway with soured relations and being "disowned" as punishment, whether formally or not.

As a second example, I have chosen a young adult who gets married. In that case, there is a built-in conflict in the choice of which family to spend major holidays feasts (such as Christmas) with. In healthy families, the choice to switch off by alternating years (one year with the family of the husband, the next year with the family of the wife or some other similar arrangement) will be accepted without pressure or argument as being reasonable and understandable. But in the sick, "extreme togetherness" model, there will be a tug-of-war to always be present at the gatherings of one family or the other, as any absence is seen as disloyal.

[stan4]

Well, yes, Escort.
What I said only applies if it's not taken to some pathological level.
Anything we do, we choose to do. It was never asked of or expected of us.
We all moved away to go to school, grad school, etc.
When you really like and care about people, you choose to stay near them.
My wife and I do the "switch-off" holiday system. No one complains about it, but to be fair, I don't get holidays off regularly, so I usually can't go anywhere. In those cases, she goes by herself or just stays here.

[katie45]

I don't know of anyone who is considered 'happy' 24/7; families who get along and are congenial are what the subject should be. There are so many variables when discussing the human race that it is impossible for anyone to give a clear definition of a so-called 'happy family'.

Maybe the topic should be: what in your family brings contentment, or, what in your family causes havoc.

[cb2008]

I take prioritizing family to mean children first. If their needs, safety, and health comes first then I think even imperfect adults cannot go too wrong. Even inlaw problems can be managed if we can look at it as whose happiness is important, mine personally, or the children's welfare. Loving your children also means learning to let go. If we let go they will return to us :-). At least that is my hope.