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It does sound like you are depressed or possibly overwhelmed by life itself. I will turn 66 in July, on Monday I helped my brother spread 2 yards of dirt and lay 3 pallets of sod, it was 90 and sunny, we completed the task in 4 hours and I felt just fine. Actually, as it stands today, I really
haven't noticed being any more tired today than I was 20 years ago.... or, I have dementia and have forgotten how I felt 20 years ago! Whatever it is...I hope it continuous.
As the saying goes, "(Wo)man plans while God laughs." I never imagined that at this age, I would be in the predicament I'm in now. When I was younger, I always figured I could change or at least modify any situation I was in that was causing me unhappiness. Oh, the unconscious arrogance of the young!
I don't have enough years left to really turn things around. I don't get to get what I wanted. I work on acceptance all the time. Sometimes I have it. Most times I don't.
I worked and set aside money for retirement from age 16 on - 30 years. I worked my way thru college and got a scholarship to get an advanced degree. I did everything they tell you to do all the way up to the time I fell ill. I began having bad headaches almost constantly. I was exhausted all the time. I tried to tough my symptoms out and continued to go into my job. One morning I woke up so sick that I could no longer keep going. I went to one doctor after another, trying to find out what was wrong. The answers I got were always wrong.
This went on for two years - looking for a diagnosis, unable to work. My savings vanished off to pay for food and rent and medical bills. Long story short, after I'd lost almost everything I had, it was discovered that I was suffering from chronic carbon monoxide poisoning due to a faulty furnace. I had a CO detector that seemed to work, but it was actually worthless.
I thought I would be OK once the problem was solved, but turns out that I sustained considerable neurological damage from the CO almost constantly bombarding my lungs and brain. Over the years, I improved up to a point and then stopped. The Doc's tell me that what I have now is all I'll ever have. I can perform simple tasks for a few hours, but there's no way I could go back to being a professional 8 - 5, 5 days a week.
I did have a part time job for a while, but got laid off almost a year ago through no fault of my own. I have not been able to convince anyone to hire me all this time. When I think of the future, I flip out, so I try to always stay in the present as much as I can. I try to look at the goods things I still have without being a complete Pollyanna, but also without all that "poor me" stuff I love to wallow in.
I go camp in the mountains with my dog as I can. It's so lovely up there that it makes me feel better before I even realize it. Sometimes I'll buy a dozen roses and let the loaf of bread wait for another week. For me, flowers feed my soul. If I can't keep my soul alive, my body becomes worthless - just a heavy to drag around.
I also make the sacrifices required for me to keep my fur babies - two cats and a Corgi. My animal friends bring me companionship and consolation and much more besides.
You better believe that my life is far from easy, and that sometimes I rail at God. In my darkest moments, I wish the CO thing had not been discovered until I'd had a chance to die peacefully in my sleep - how cruel that I didn't. That aside, I feel that I have become a woman of deep compassion due to my experiences. I learned to love Colorado's mountains and starry night skies after I was evicted from my home on a day in June. I was terrified of being a woman alone and homeless in a big urban area, so I salvaged my old camping gear and coaxed the kitty I had back then into the back seat of my ancient Toyota Truck. I pointed the wheels west toward the Rockies and started off on what became one of the most amazing adventures of my life!
I think that each of us has no choice but to do the best we can - no matter what happens. And there's absolutely no point in beating ourselves up. If me doing my best results in a "good enough" outcome, then that's perfect. I don't need to always be Super Girl. If acqaintances around my age want to look down their noses at me or treat me like I'm talking about a Martian invasion when I tell about becoming homeless and camping in mountain meadows with my cat, so be it. I know that I have gotten the chance to lead a pretty amazing life and I didn't need all sorts of money to do it. A little courage, roses, and an old orange Tom cat can send you off to places no one else but you can go to
People come to Colorado from all over the world and spend thousands of dollars just to experiencea few nights camping in the mountains. This was my main summer place after I became "homeless" and broke.
My beat up Toyota truck headed for the hills with the best of them!
I looked to the mountains for my strength.
. My cat loved staying in this summer meadow - he convinced me, too!
What a story! Thank you so much for sharing this . . .all of it.
The images are just what I needed.
I crave beauty and I LOVE Facebook for this reason. I come across the most beautiful photos daily and love to share them!
Thank you again. What an inspiration.
My "problem" is that I don't do well when I don't get my way!!! I get angry and have a pity party . . . I have a "bad attitude." I seriously need hypnosis or something to change that because it is really entrenched.
What a story! Thank you so much for sharing this . . .all of it.
The images are just what I needed.
I crave beauty and I LOVE Facebook for this reason. I come across the most beautiful photos daily and love to share them!
Thank you again. What an inspiration.
My "problem" is that I don't do well when I don't get my way!!! I get angry and have a pity party . . . I have a "bad attitude." I seriously need hypnosis or something to change that because it is really entrenched.
Have a great evening!
Out of curiosity - no pun intended - have you tried meditation? It's been known to work wonders for many. Just a thought. I hate to see people hurting and that includes you.
When I was younger, I viewed any hardships as temporary - and because I was younger, I was able to shrug things off . . .
Fast forward to now (and I mean that literally) . . .
I had an expectation that "things would turn out ok," and I feel so frustrated that they didn't . . . and because I am older, I don't have the hope and resilience of youth.
I realize that it is my ego that gets all pissy, but I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I am having tantrums that things did not go my way and that I am not getting to do what I want.
I am tied down due to responsibilities but these are responsibilities I have chosen to take on - I just didn't understand when I was taking them on, what the cost would be to me - but if I had known, I probably would have done the same thing.
I am resentful that I am not getting to do what I want - and I know I have unconscious beliefs that "in retirement" you "should" get to do what you want - therefore, when I am facing unpleasant circumstances I get all bent out of shape (internally).
I don't know what to do about this short of hypnosis.
I think part of me is angry at God because I feel that I am "special" and should not have to suffer "at my age" (which I understand is just ridiculous, but these feelings are irrational - they just "are").
I am extremely exhausted and burnt out . . .
Today I traced my bad mood back to the fact that I had to do too much work . . . it feels like the work is "never-ending."
Can anyone relate?
Or are you all living perfectly blissful retirements?
You bet I can I relate.
When I was younger, I believed I had an endless amount of time, opportunities, and energy. If things went crosswise, I could just shrug it off. I was invincible. Next time would be different. I operated on the premise that eventually things would all work out.
Some things did. Some things didn't.
I never used to worry about money. There's always more where that came from. Now, of course, there isn't more where that came from. There's a finite amount that is not likely to increase. I'm not eating cat food, but not eating out much either.
I thought we would travel when we retired. Now I find that traveling wears me out and I'd rather stay home.
I thought our kids would be grown, on their own, and bringing home grandbabies. No grandbabies but the kids are still coming and going, in and out of graduate school, in and out of our spare bedrooms, always short of money. I can relate.
I thought my husband and I would share a deep bond by now, that we'd be having delightful conversations over dinners we fixed together, sharing books and deep conversations about the meaning of our lives. Now I wonder what possessed me to marry the man in the first place. Days go by when we talk to the dogs more than we talk with each other.
I thought I'd lose that 40 pounds I gained years ago when I was pregnant. Still dieting.
I try to walk every morning to get some exercise and clear my mind, improve my perspective. But it makes my knees and hips hurt and so I don't do it all the time. Signed up for Zumba and hurt my shoulder.
I thought the work and struggles would be over now. I thought there would be an end to it and I could drift off blissfully into gardening and reading all the books I've collected.
Alas, that is not the case. The struggle continues and the work never ends.
Part of planning is assessing. You cannot reach a goal if you aren't planning and assessing along the way. Sounds to me like you are simply going through a period of assessment. You have realized that just because we want it to be so, we cannot always will it to be so (whatever "it" might be at the time).
Keep processing! It's okay if you want to rail your fist at the gods along the way, too! That's part of recognizing that in the end, it's all up to you how the story ends. Yes, things may not go as you want or as you planned . . . but how you deal with that recognition -- and how much resilience you can bring to the table -- that is going to be a test of your basic character -- and a time to consider what can and can't be changed, within yourself and through your influence on your world.
Sometimes, the greatest recognition is in accepting that some of the things we thought were so important to our well-being (and self-esteem) are actually rather easy to let go -- once we come to the conclusion that those things weren't really what defined us, after all.
Part of planning is assessing. You cannot reach a goal if you aren't planning and assessing along the way. Sounds to me like you are simply going through a period of assessment. You have realized that just because we want it to be so, we cannot always will it to be so (whatever "it" might be at the time).
Keep processing! It's okay if you want to rail your fist at the gods along the way, too! That's part of recognizing that in the end, it's all up to you how the story ends. Yes, things may not go as you want or as you planned . . . but how you deal with that recognition -- and how much resilience you can bring to the table -- that is going to be a test of your basic character -- and a time to consider what can and can't be changed, within yourself and through your influence on your world.
Sometimes, the greatest recognition is in accepting that some of the things we thought were so important to our well-being (and self-esteem) are actually rather easy to let go -- once we come to the conclusion that those things weren't really what defined us, after all.
I agree to a certain extent. What I don't seem to have control over are my reactions (people say "You can't help what happens, but you can control your reactions") - the problem is that I cannot control my reactions. It seems to be unconscious and before I know it, I am pissed and then it gets in my body and I FEEL bad . . . it happens instantaneously. I might need electro-shock therapy!
I understand that I am being irrational - that everything is not going to go my way, but I am very attached to my preferences - and I KNOW that's my ego. Having the intellectual perspective has no bearing on the problem . . .
I need something supernatural to "cure" me - it's like I am a wild beast in this regard.
Well, in little over a week I'll be 59, so I'm not retired yet - but I see it on the horizon in 4 or 5 years.
I feel lucky to be enjoying good health, having and interesting an adventurous life, good friends, and many varied interests. There have been disappointments and missed opportunities as well ... but oh, well ... we were never promised a rose garden - but - was just in my back yard and all my roses are in bloom, though!
A big disappointment in my life was my spectacular failure in finding "love" or a "significant other." I started a thread in the Relationships section here in C-D on giving up and finally at this late point in my life accepting the fact that I'm single and will always be. Therefore a few months ago I deleted all my "profiles" from the dating sites and cancelled my membership in a singles social group. I am not angry and I am not bitter. In fact I feel somehow liberated and serene. I think I learned a Buddhist lesson: that yearning and craving is a form of suffering.
My attitude is this: you don't always get everything you want in life. If life throws you lemons, make lemonade.
I've put time, money and energy in my beautiful 3 story 6 bedroom 120 year old Victorian house. I find it rewarding. In February I won an award from the local historical society for the restoration work on the exterior of the place; last week my house was one of eight chosen to be part of a historical house tour. Spent over a week cleaning and scrubbing the place. The crystal chandeliers were all polished. Fresh flower arrangement - no two alike - in every room. Exhausting, but worth it!
imcurious when was your last physical? You may be suffering from depression. Please get a check up. Yes you're special, we all are love. It's not what life hands us it's how we deal with it that's important. At 56 I think more and more about my mortality, especially since I take care of so many end stage patients in my age group. Yes there are days that I'm overwhelmed, over worked and frustrated, but I look at this poor unfortunate 35 year old paralyzed from MS and on life support. It changes your perspective and makes you grateful to be overwhelmed, frustrated and over worked. Being active is the very best thing you can do for your body. You need to embrace it and be grateful that you can still do these things because there are so many people that would be glad to change places with you. Aging is indeed a sad surrender but I have a friend that's 90 and still active. He does push ups every day. I want to be like him when I grow up
This really hits home for me ... I took so much for granted when I was younger. I'm not yet retired (56) and probably won't be for another 10 years. I often wonder where I'll be physically by that time. After two back operations, I can't do a lot of things I use to do before the age of 51 (tennis, golf, snow skiing, bowling, planting and maintaining a garden). I try my best to keep myself healthy by walking daily, core-strengthening exercises, eating healthy, and watching my weight, but I'm still very limited in activities I once enjoyed, and feel much more tired out by the end of the day. In my work, I'm exposed to reports of patients of all ages with very serious health complications/challenges (especially young children and teenagers) and that has been the most helpful to me, to put things into perspective and feel grateful for what I do have. It's good to read these posts and everyone's suggestions and input ... thank you for starting this thread.
Last edited by smpliving; 05-24-2013 at 06:31 PM..
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