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After a loss, we grieve. Grief is supposed to be an important process because it allows for the acceptance of the loss and makes it easier to “move on.” I’ve had lots of loss in the last few years and moved on. Some were planned and others were not; loss of marriage, loss of life style, loss of home and living location, loss of career, loss of parents, loss of pets, loss of dreams. Well, I am having difficulty “moving on” because the probability of moving on to what I desire is near 0. I can’t substitute a romantic relationship with new friendships, family, dogs, hobbies, volunteer service, religious beliefs, political affiliations, etc. I was single half my life, and have always been independent, so I am not reacting to being “alone”. I am happy with me, but I would be more content as a “we”.
I’ve learned the hard way, that at my age, men don’t “want” women my age. And statistically, the number of available men is shrinking daily. Even therapists advise: expect to be alone. After much disappointment and scars, I am finally starting to grieve an important dream – a fundamental need for a loving spouse/partner to share the rest of my life with. That means, for starters, no frequent, pleasant, stable, reciprocal interactions with the same person; no hugs, kisses, sex, trusting support and acceptance; no concerned caring, dependable shared dinners or trips; not being a priority in someone else’s life and he in mine.
What have some of you have done in my situation? How do you repress/suppress a basic human need and feel healthy?
I am a young looking and spirited 60+, divorced, no children, financially comfortable in retirement, life-long learner, politically moderate, socially liberal, not religious. I retired early (successful career), divorced, moved to a new state.
I used to say I would remarry but as I age I realize I do not want the responsibility/concern of another person in my life. A lady friend and exclusive, yes. Close, sharing, financial independence, respectful, funny, loving, spirited, sexual, etc., yes. Married and/or living together, no.
Last edited by accufitgolf; 06-08-2013 at 02:33 PM..
I don't know how to answer the question. I've not been in that situation since I was 48 and was "healed" and remarried at 50, and that was 17 years ago. What I do know is that if my wife goes before I do, I will not remarry nor likely enter into any kind of relationship beyond just friends. Relationships are a lot of hard work and I don't believe I'd be up to that.
As a lady who remarried over 40, and I agree that the odds of remarrying are lower for women as we get older, but I think you need to meet men to find one, and it may take a couple of years. And while some segment of men are looking for a younger wife, it is not true of all. I was single for 8 years before I found #2.
Are you currently meeting men, whether by being active in groups that interest men or looking online? Also, are your standards realistic? I have several gal pals who will remain single because, even though they are looking, they reject alot of men themselves. The choices/rejections work both ways.
Meanwhile, please fill your life with whatever you are passionate about. You will be more attractive by virtue of your enjoyment of life, and who knows who you will meet along the way. People like to be around happy people.
I lost my husband when I was 41. I will be 53 in 4 months. I have not remarried, but I still desire a one woman man in a relationship whether or not it leads to marriage is fine with me. My "Bob" just does not do it for me. However, my experience has been that I am getting hit on by the 68/73 yr age range! Geez, really?
OP, my mother is a bit older than you - 66. She has been actively dating since she became single and recently decided that she prefers being single. There are plenty of men out there who are pursuing her.
I'd say dial back your expectations and make peace with being alone. Then go out and date for the FUN of it, not because you're looking to marry. There are a lot of older men out there looking to settle down again, but if you are determined to marry again, you might scare people off by being too set on it.
My mother goes to senior-oriented dances, happy hours (even though she barely drinks), senior group outings, theater productions, organized trips and cruises. Anything that interests her even remotely, she gives it a try, and she drags her female friends with her. They have a blast, and they frequently meet nice men.
The answer of course is to find a partner with same desires. Is that going to happen to Op ;no one knows. Some never find it as we know; no matter what age. Also doesn't sound like Op has really moved on she took the baggage with her ;loose it if possible. Some seem to be able to other seem not to.
...Just joined today and not sure how the Multi-Quote works: JrzDefector - Thanks for the encouragement. Sometimes that's all that is needed. I have joined many, many activities and groups... sometimes it was draining rather than envirgorating, but you don't know if you don't try. I stayed with a few for a couple of years before dropping them. The few senior activities seemed too old and I guess I should continue to try them. I've made a few friends (married and single), but the trend is that they move away. So, the point is keep at it. Thanks.
texdav - You are correct, finding someone with similar preferences is key. I was optimistic a year and a half ago. But over time, the ageist discrimination and advice to look for much older men has gotten to me. [I never went into "sales" because I didn't think I was the type for 100 rejections for 1 sale :-)] Then, today, I had two acquaintences - same age - similar situation - tell me to forget it. Accept being unwanted "." No sense of efficacy. That was a downer and it came through. One mentioned all the losses and all I could think of was, I didn't want to accept another loss. When I saw this web site while searching for something - I thought this would be a great forum to share with. It is!!!
I can surely understand your situation. I retired (young) last year. Meeting people and becoming friends after age 50 can be a challenge. Looking for relationships at that age is even harder. Most single guys my age and older want to STAY single. Many have the 'goal' of finding the trophy girlfriend (rolling eyes). Give yourself some time (weed out the creeps) and don't pressure yourself into thinking you have to find someone now before it's too late. Like the therapist said, you should prepare to be alone. It DOESN'T mean that's how it will be. The most important thing for you now, is to concentrate on enjoying your life (I understand that friends don't fill all of that void) and hopefully you'll find someone that shares your interests.
There is a Senior Center here (which I joined) but most of the people in it have kids my age. LOL. I enjoy going on outings with them, maybe there is one near you? Whatever you do, don't pity yourself, or dwell on regrets. That's a downhill road. If you find yourself going down it, turn around and put your chin up.
While I am not single, I am looking at the possibility of moving south when DH and I retire next year. Making friends and getting involved in new activities is always a little scary. I have heard of Meet Up groups and people seem to like the various activities. Not sure about the Red Hat (?) society, but I do know women who have joined and really like it.
It is hard sometimes to force yourself out of your comfort zone, but I think all of us are going to have to do this in order to meet new people. Good luck and let us know how you are doing.
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