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A few years ago I read a book titled: How to Survive Your Husband's Retirement. Basically, the theme was to decide what each partner wants and then negotiate how to get the most for each. Sorry, but I don't recall who wrote the book at the moment but it raised some good points. There is also the What Color is Your Parachute in Retirment which is about getting to know yourself, if you remember that far back, and follow your own heart.
The wife and I right now are sitting on the upstairs porch with a storm providing background sounds and lighting. We each are on our tablets listening to the Blend on Sirius on mine. Bored? No! Priceless? Yes! Now back to solitaire for a quick game.
I think how a couple adjusts to retirement will depend entirely on the individual personalities involved and their relationship with each other. The style of the marriage, how well you share your feelings and fears, how closed or open you are with each other.
Yes, traditionally, the "little woman" didn't want her husband coming home and messing up "her house" and "driving her crazy". But that's pretty well over with my generation, I think (I'm 65.)
But everyone, individually, has trouble adjusting to retirement I think. Whether they admit it or not. I had some trouble because I was downsized during the recession before I really wanted to retire, and it took a couple of years before I really admitted it to myself. Husband kept working for several years, and now even when he's officially retired he's working part time (at his profession.) Not because he needs to, but because he likes it. It's only some of the time, when he's not working we have a great time, together and separately, but I admit when he's working I get a bit bored--I know we're independent, but I end up being the one who supports him, as it were.
So far the only adjustment challenge we've had has to do with noise. Hubby was used to a very quiet and still work atmosphere--I was used to working in a much busier environment. So at first I felt like I had to do a lot of housework since I was now home all day--and he got a little perturbed when he would be working on some project downstairs and he would hear me upstairs doing noisy things like vacuuming. Especially since I'm the type of person who likes to dance or sing while I'm vacuuming.
It's no big deal, though, and we figured out how to deal with it within a week or so. We've worked some quiet time into every day. Plus, we both try to get out of the house for some activity or another ever day, and when he goes somewhere I use that time to do the noisier things like vacuuming. And when he sees me singing and dancing, instead of wondering why I'm being so silly he's now starting to join in and realizing it can liven up some mindless chore.
Every week it seems like he loosens up quite a bit, and every week I feel less and less obligation to do noisy housework several hours every day. So the rug doesn't get vacuumed every day--we don't have messy kids around anymore so the carpet's just fine without a daily sweep. We're both changing and letting go of old habits that we don't need anymore.
Just my opinion, but I think this is another case of a writer making a big deal about a non issue just to have something to write a magazine article about.
This is interesting to read. I am now retired, or technically will be July 1st but still need to finish the cleaning out of my office at school. Amazing what I'm finding in the back of desk drawers or files so old they have view graphs in them. I know I'm not psychologically out of work yet, still have a big application I'm working that will be submitted by a colleague in October (don't ask, I know I'm nuts, it's a professional thing for me). DH is hoping to extract himself by September.
We have talked about this and I have repeated his thoughts on it to many. His view is we didn't know what we were really getting into when we went off to college. We really didn't know what we were getting into when we got married, so this is just another passage. We will figure it out as we go just like we did other passages in life. That philosophy is keeping me centered through the very beginnings of this.
Just my opinion, but I think this is another case of a writer making a big deal about a non issue just to have something to write a magazine article about.
The fact that this is a non-issue for you and your husband is a tribute to your (plural) maturity, flexibility, common sense, objectivity, and good will. But not all married couples have those qualities, therefore it is a true and serious issue for a lot of them. In some cases, there has been a battle for control during the entire life of the marriage. For example, the wife may have staked out the home as her "territory" in that battle, and that may have more or less worked for her in the case of the husband being gone so much of the time. But now that the husband has "invaded" that territory on a close to full-time basis, there is enormous resentment on the part of the control-freak wife who is determined to impose her will on all matters large and small once she feels threatened and the battle has been joined on her home turf.
(I have chosen the above scenario as an example; I do not mean that the wife is always at fault. One can think of other examples where the husband could be at fault too, or where the fault is equally shared.)
There have been other threads on this issue, or at least other threads that have veered off onto this issue regardless of the original topic, and I was always struck by the extreme militancy of some of the women posters and their fierce determination to put the husband in his place and impose their will. So for some people there is a real issue.
We have talked about this and I have repeated his thoughts on it to many. His view is we didn't know what we were really getting into when we went off to college. We really didn't know what we were getting into when we got married, so this is just another passage. We will figure it out as we go just like we did other passages in life. That philosophy is keeping me centered through the very beginnings of this.
Exactly the way we look at it. Nicely stated, too.
ps. congratulats and welcome to the wonderful world of retirement.
This is interesting to read. I am now retired, or technically will be July 1st but still need to finish the cleaning out of my office at school. Amazing what I'm finding in the back of desk drawers or files so old they have view graphs in them. I know I'm not psychologically out of work yet, still have a big application I'm working that will be submitted by a colleague in October (don't ask, I know I'm nuts, it's a professional thing for me). DH is hoping to extract himself by September.
We have talked about this and I have repeated his thoughts on it to many. His view is we didn't know what we were really getting into when we went off to college. We really didn't know what we were getting into when we got married, so this is just another passage. We will figure it out as we go just like we did other passages in life. That philosophy is keeping me centered through the very beginnings of this.
Five-years into retirement, at a relatively 'young' 66, I'm beginning to think that there is more to the psychological aspect of retirement than previously considered. I've always been somewhat of a 'Type 'A' personality who stayed actively involved in multiple things (work, ministry, etc) ... which didn't leave much time for developing hobbies or extracurricular activities.
Now, in retirement, we are financially solvent, but, I'm cruised-out, golfed-out, fished-out, read-out (and also 'moved-out' from where we lived for the past 28-years, to a new area (grandkids)). I'm not really looking for 'scheduled activity' or busy-work, but, realize that 'drifting along' for the next 20-25 years doesn't look all that appealing. --- "Dear Abbey, What do you think? Do I need to be 're-imagined' or re-programmed??'
I remember when I was in my 20s. I worked with a woman whose husband was a retired engineer. This is a true story. There was a reason she was still working. Her husband inventoried every item in the house including all of the food in the cabinets and refrigerator, all the nails in the house and garage, all of the spools of thread in her sewing box, her shoes and his shoes, all of their clothes, their books, everything in the garage, etc., and put everything on spreadsheets (and this was the 1970s before computer spreadsheets). When she came home from supermarket shopping he'd pull out the spreadsheets. After they ate dinner, he'd pull out the spreadsheets. When she threw something out, he'd pull out the spreadsheets.
I'm not married but when I first moved here to Tennessee after I retired, I took photos of the town and county to show my friends in Maryland and NY (who were still working) and how did I do that? I made a PowerPoint presentation. I still laugh about it every time I think about it.
As a Type A personality were you competitive at work? I looked for a hobby/activity with a club that held competitions.
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Non-issue or not?
