I actually have a problem with this. My mom and one of my best friends have had health issues for as long as I can remember. If my friend had listened to all of the doctors over the years, she would have ended up in a wheelchair if not dead years ago. Instead, she has learned how to live with her health issues in a way that allows her to still be a productive member of society and she still walks on her own two feet.
As for my mom, she has had poor health for as long as I can remember. She would be in and out of hospitals, but she'd be okay in between admissions. Between 97 and 03 she was on life support 3 times each time being given less than 10% chance of making it through the night. She was off the machines in 21 hours, 3 days, and 5 days. She has had a few heart surgeries, but in 2011, she broke her ankle twice and ended up needed heart valve replacement. She spent more time in the hospital and rehab than she did at home and I can't tell you how many times I heard the word "hospice" and "palliative care" during that time. (Can you imagine how many years I would have been without my mom already had we listened to the doctors?)
In 2012, we moved her in with our family and I began taking care of her. She was in and out of the hospital often as she had many health issues, but she was always okay in between until this past April. No matter what would happen or how many times hospice or DNRs were mentioned, my mom wouldn't hear of it. She was 68 and had told my oldest she was going to live until she was 100. Okay...not the best move on her part, but that was how much she wanted to LIVE despite her health problems and hospitalizations.
As her caregiver, I became very knowledgeable about her conditions, her medicines, the tests that would be run, etc. In June she ended up in the hospital and went between there and rehab as her readmissions would get closer and closer together. The hospital finally convinced her a DNR was the best thing because of how bad her heart and lungs were, but they told her, that only had to do with what happened after her heart would stop if it did. They told her that as far as treatment went she would primarily be kept comfortable, but that everything would be discussed.
I went to pick her up from rehab to bring her home for palliative care only to find her in kidney failure. She was taken to the hospital after she told the rehab center she did NOT want to just be kept comfortable. I talked to every doctor between that Friday night and Saturday morning that came in contact with her and it was agreed that we would wait to talk to a hospice rep on that Monday to determine if it was best to just make her comfortable or if we should give treatments another try. Dialysis was even mentioned.
The doctors said they thought she had left there the week before with hospice in mind and I told them that was NOT what she wanted as did she. Trust me, I thought I was ready to let her go after all she had been through, but she was a fighter and she was proud of it. We told him that she wanted to do palliative care instead and that was what rehab had been doing and rehab even suggested dialysis could be used. The doctor said again that was fine and that we should talk to hospice Monday. Sunday I found out that same doctor I had the most in depth conversation with chose to stop her treatments Saturday night. By the time I got there first thing Monday morning, I was horrified to see the condition my mom was in so quickly from when I had seen her Saturday afternoon. The nurse told me she had been fine the day before. Tired, but alert and that her lab results weren't much worse than they were when she came in Friday. Apparently enough had changed though because she was lethargic and very very confused.
The hospice rep spent 2 minutes trying to talk to her and decided she was already to the point of needing to be admitted to inpatient hospice. That night was the last time I got to talk to my mom and hear her voice as she went into a deep sleep the very next day. She died that Saturday morning.
To this day, I am livid and want to know why that doctor went against what we discussed. Not only did he go against it, but he didn't even call and tell me he was doing it. Yes, my mom had a lot going on, but I can't help but feel like he robbed us of some time even if it was just to do dialysis and get her to the point I could bring her home and maintain her condition with dialysis. She and I wanted one more Thanksgiving together and, if we were lucky, one more Christmas. Instead she died the Saturday before Thanksgiving.
If someone wants to die, that's one thing. A person should have directives in place that clearly tell people what they want. My mom was very clear in her directives and the doctors didn't listen to either of us. I'm not okay with this.