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We have a choice, give up our own lives to take care of them or get some help and go broke.
Are you working with a social worker or elder care case manager or advocate? If money or assets are an issue, an elder care attorney may be able to help with some guidance about that and any legal documents (will, directives, etc) that might help.
Yes, that thought was and is forefront in my mind when I took on the obligation to care for my disabled mother who is now nearing 90. I had a good childhood and loving parents. BUT ... this isn't tit for tat. If it is, she doesn't have much time left at my place. She only raised me for 18 years and we're now into the second half of that time period when it comes to me taking care of her.
Not to mention, I did a lot of work during my childhood. My parents both had full-time jobs and I had a lot of responsibilities at home and with my siblings, as I was the oldest. I also worked for cash from the time I was 13 and I earned a college scholarship, so my education didn't cost them all that much either. As nice as my childhood was it wasn't a free ride.
None of us asked to be born. And if every person you know had a picnic for a childhood, you must not know all that many people. I have friends who were birthed mainly to provide child labor. I have friends whose parents were alcoholics and they weren't so much raised as just given a roof over their heads ... and if they didn't come home to sleep in their beds no one noticed. I have friends who were sexually abused and their parents didn't believe them.
Lots of criminals have kids. Lots of drug addicts have kids. What will those kids owe their parents when they are paroled and old and poor have to be driven to their dialysis appointments? Every person who skips out on the dear old 'rents isn't cold-hearted; sometimes they're just tired and frustrated and deserve to have a nice life for a change.
None of us should use our own experience, good or bad, as a touchstone for what other people's lives are like. And in return, those of us caretakers who are cleaning up poop will try to remember that our parents changed our diapers.
Last edited by Jukesgrrl; 03-22-2015 at 10:51 PM..
Reason: grammar
OP at the end of the day you have to live your life. Your Brother in law is living his across the country. Do what will make you happy. It sounds like you have done enough already.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jukesgrrl
Yes, that thought was and is forefront in my mind when I took on the obligation to care for my disabled mother who is now nearing 90. I had a good childhood and loving parents. BUT ... this isn't tit for tat. ...
None of us should use our own experience, good or bad, as a touchstone for what other people's lives are like. ...
Yup, you do what you gotta do... fun / entitlement / obligation (none-of-the-above)
My parents HATED kids and they hated every minute of my 32 yrs of care for them after they were disabled.
Do I hate them? no
Am I sorry for my many yrs of commitment to them? no (worked like a dog on their farm for 15 yrs before I left home, then 3 yrs 'break / early retirement' before becoming their caregiver for next 32 yrs)
I am grateful I could be there for them and many others.
I am fine, and well blessed (tho a bit worn out).
I feel no obligation to them, I had 2 siblings that could have easily helped, but they fled like scared rats.
you do what you gotta do...
YMMV, as well as your capabilities / response.
I know so many that have fled, that is 'their' response... I don't condemn them, but it is a bit of a mess cleaning up the mess they leave behind in their bitterness. I am just pleased I am not living their life... mine is fine (and with adequate strife to make it rich).
OP... Make a sustainable plan and 'move-on'. Demands will always be there, manage it. (with your best efforts, which does not have to be YOU doing the daily diapers.) BTDT
My sisters and I would have had no problem providing for her financially if she'd needed it (and we did loan her the money for her final house). It was HER we couldn't deal with, but being the good daughters that we are, we did that at considerable mental expense (ours). Come to think of it, in terms of being charged with neglect , jail might have been preferable!
On another note, did I read somewhere on this thread that adult kids are responsible for their parents' debts if their estates have nothing left?
The only way a child is responsible for any debt incurred by their parents is if that child signed on for the debt as a co-signer. My father left behind many debts, a mortgage, and a car. I gave it all back after he passed. I wasn't left anything in the estate, because he planned it that way. He had been telling me to "Let it go" for many years before Frozen came out
They were the ones who chose to bring us into the world. None of us asked to be here.
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, jail might have been preferable!
