Have to confront my son tomorrow...need advice (55, relocate, spouse)
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Is your relationshio so weak that telling him what you think means you would never see him again??? Thats not much of a relationship. My mother let me have it plenty of times, and it never affected that part of our relationship. Move back, and move on with your life. Tell him why. Let him chew on it. Hes already in stupid land with how he's bleeding funds and delaying his future success, all for a "girlfriend"??? He needs to wake up on his own. Dont get dragged down with HIS ship. Ship, spelled with a T.
When he was younger, it sounds as if you had your son to yourself. Now that he's a man, you're trying to perpetuate that closeness, without understanding that your wishes are creating friction in his life. Please consider that he does not belong to you; he belongs to himself.
"Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable."
Is your relationshio so weak that telling him what you think means you would never see him again??? Thats not much of a relationship. My mother let me have it plenty of times, and it never affected that part of our relationship. Move back, and move on with your life. Tell him why. Let him chew on it. Hes already in stupid land with how he's bleeding funds and delaying his future success, all for a "girlfriend"??? He needs to wake up on his own. Dont get dragged down with HIS ship. Ship, spelled with a T.
I kinda agree with this but also with tell him how you feel about your life and feelings. You did a good job in your original post.
Tired of moving
Stressed with where you live
You understand he has his own life to lead and so you need to be near your friends
How much he means to you which is why you've moved twice even though its been hard and
you'll miss him terrible and worry about him an not seeing him but you feel like you would feel
more secure with your friends in VT around you.
And at some point, very delicately, say hey, your a man and you are responsible for your own choices I'm not going to butt in, but I'm your mother so I get to say this once. I think your getting into an economic hole for something that's not going to be good for you long term. Or something to that affect. But you will always be there for him etc. and will try to get along with anyone he brings home.
Then move back as fast as you can, the longer you stay the more its costing you.
Also, as they approach 80, they need more family support - and this will increase over time. Whenever possible, I do think that families should try to live pretty close to elderly parents (if the relationships aren't toxic). It's just the nature of aging...we need more help as time goes by, and friends who are in the same situation can't really be relied on for the sort of help we often need. Of course, sometimes we can't rely on family either, but I'm just saying that these are things to consider.
That is my biggest fear. If I have any kind of serious illness, I don't know who I could *really* rely upon as far as friends go. Do I want to be a continent away from my son?
Is your relationshio so weak that telling him what you think means you would never see him again??? Thats not much of a relationship. My mother let me have it plenty of times, and it never affected that part of our relationship. Move back, and move on with your life. Tell him why. Let him chew on it. Hes already in stupid land with how he's bleeding funds and delaying his future success, all for a "girlfriend"??? He needs to wake up on his own. Dont get dragged down with HIS ship. Ship, spelled with a T.
No it isn't weak at all, but seems like most folks think it's a bad idea to butt in. If he tells her any of my concerns, then I really won't get to see him at all. She will hate me. I'm in my mid-60's, my fear is stuff like if I fall and break something, who will care for my dog? Isn't that crazy...but I do have good friends who would help. I guess I can't worry about stuff that may never happen. I have to think about now.
Have seen your case in a couple of friends already including in my family.
1. You should do what it's best for you in your life, which seems from what you are saying moving to Vermont and seeing him once or twice a year.
2. Do not tell him what he should do about his GF, you will not win there and will only alienate you from her. He will have to come to term with that and deal with it.
If I was you I would move back East where I would be happier and hopefully eventually he will come to term with his relationship, but remember that his choice and you will not win in a disagreement with his life regarding GF or wife.
Best of luck to you. Choose what's best for you it's the only thing you can control
No it isn't weak at all, but seems like most folks think it's a bad idea to butt in. If he tells her any of my concerns, then I really won't get to see him at all. She will hate me. I'm in my mid-60's, my fear is stuff like if I fall and break something, who will care for my dog? Isn't that crazy...but I do have good friends who would help. I guess I can't worry about stuff that may never happen. I have to think about now.
I'm the mother of two sons, and I'm with the "don't butt in" camp (regarding the girlfriend). It's my observation that a mother has a different relationship with sons vs. daughters. I've learned from what's happened to other people that if you criticize the girlfriend/wife, you run the risk of getting frozen out quicker than you can blink an eye. And once those critical words are out there, you can never take them back. Just my thoughts...
I'm in my mid-60's, my fear is stuff like if I fall and break something, who will care for my dog? Isn't that crazy...but I do have good friends who would help. I guess I can't worry about stuff that may never happen. I have to think about now.
When he was younger, it sounds as if you had your son to yourself. Now that he's a man, you're trying to perpetuate that closeness, without understanding that your wishes are creating friction in his life. Please consider that he does not belong to you; he belongs to himself.
"Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable."
Khalil Gibran
Thank you! This is beautiful and very important for those who cannot let go.
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