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I live alone, 61 and have many chronic illnesses. I have no family anymore and only one friend, who is hundreds of miles away. I need someone to give me a reason to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I feel guilty for all my doctor visits, because the government is paying to keep a person alive who has no loved ones and no one who cares about them. I have no interests in hobbies other than tv and the internet. I'm trying to give my dog away to someone because I can't afford to take good care of her anymore, can't afford the veterinary bills. I'm poor and have no prospects or money to move to a senior complex where there might be built in friends.
Can anyone give me a reason to keep going on like this? I'm not looking for pity! I am looking for answers. I've been in bed all day due to fecal incontinence and am going to doctors to try to take care of that but feel guilty and useless for doing so.
Oh and I do not go to church because I'm an agnostic. I stay home all the time due to not feeling good.
Well it sounds pretty awful for you, so sorry you're having a lousy time of it. You say you do have an interest in the internet so you have access to some cheerful/silly stuff like youtube videos, try 'cats with thumbs' etc, etc.
One thing is for sure - Do Not feel guilty about seeing a doctor, of any kind for any reason, especially the "fecal incontinence" no one needs to spend their life sh*tting themselves!
Heartfocus: Thank you for updating us. The majority of people on here are kind and very concerned. There are a few loudmouths who like to criticize. So just ignore those comments. We definitely want to know how you are doing as time goes on. How the surgery is; what the doctor prescribes for you; and most of all how you are feeling.There is alot of love in this forum. You can count on us for it.
I suffer from clinical depression, and have spine issues and pain, which is a circular deal as you know with depression. Like the chicken and the egg - depression & pain. I'm actually doing amazingly well now. But, I was barely functional before I could quit my job, which was a resident apartment manager. I was already on disability, but could handle the job only because it was part time, and if I was in too bad a shape, I could just not answer my door or the phone, and could just deal with things via email or text or voicemails a lot of the time.
The only thing that changed for me, was getting into a support group, which was more about teaching skills and tools with how to turn your mood/life around.
But, what it boils down to, is that in a situation like yours and mine, there is nobody to take us by the hand to help us. It's up to us to somehow, miraculously, find the energy to do something differently.
For me, it was to do something every day to find low income housing I could afford, and to wrap my head around having to move several hours away from my daughter and friends. Just one thing every day. I made myself do it. Mail one application, make one phone call, find an application online - just something every day.
And 6 months later, I was moving to a subsidized senior apartment building I could afford, so I could quit the job that was keeping me miserable.
It's always our choice. And I reserve the right to take the easy way out if/when I end up sick enough someday that life is really no longer worth living. So, I have no judgment if you choose to take that route.
I do get lonely sometimes. But, overall, I'm a loner. Days in society kind of wipe me out. I enjoy them once in a while, but most days I'm quite happy to hang out on the internet, walk my dog, etc.
It's funny, just this morning I asked myself the age-old question, "What purpose do I serve on the planet?" And for the first time this morning, I realized I didn't have one and was actually relieved about it LOL! Seriously! It's like I finally gave myself honest permission to just "be."
So, every day it's my choice if I want to get up on earth again tomorrow. For now, I actually enjoy my daily routine. Getting up, making coffee, taking the dog out, chatting on CD and my other Internet things I do. I've gotten into cooking again, and yes, I cook just for myself. Tonight I made myself shrimp alfredo with chopped cilantro and diced tomatoes in it, served over linguini. Yum!
I used to think I couldn't cook like that if it was just for me. And when I was super depressed, all I could do was microwave something. But, my point, is that I no longer have a purpose. I'm basically on vacation for the rest of my life, and I'm okay with that now.
So, if any changes are to come about for you, it will have to mean some effort on your part. But, I can testify that even just spending 10 minutes every day doing something toward a change that you desire, will actually make a difference in time.
I'm sending you the force. I'm also agnostic. I've had too many weird random little miracles in my life to disbelieve in any kind of "force," but I am not into organized religion. So, I just call it "the force" from Star Wars. Works for me.
Last edited by NoMoreSnowForMe; 07-18-2015 at 09:21 PM..
Poor-Poor you. I am now in my 70's. My Husband passed away after a long illness 4 years ago. we were married for 50 years. He was the best husband a girl could ever ask for. Now I am completely by myself. We had no children of our own, but cared for approximately 160 foster kids in a 38 year period. I also have no other family. We always had dogs and cats around our home to keep us company, but since my husband passed, I haven't been well enough to care for them myself. If all I could think about were the dogs and cats that I have lost in the past, I could not hold on. I have developed an inner child that allows me to stay young. I am also house bound. I can no longer drive because, I lose my sight as I try to focus to drive. If all I did is say "I can't do" all the time , I would probably be like you. Well Pull yourself up by the bootstraps. Comb your hair, put a fresh blouse on, and sit out on the porch. Wave to your neighbors. Make a stab at life. I can't even walk to the corner because my balance is so bad. I go with a wheel chair. Ask your local business men's agencies to help you get a wheel chair. Don't be so negative. You will ruin your own life if you continue on the same track that you are going now. I have family that won't be bothered with me. They live far enough from me that I don't see them. I work not to let them bother me either. Your life is now your responsibility. God gave you a head and a heart, use them even though you don't or won't believe in Him. He will not forget you. He loves you whether you love Him or not. Good luck to you. I will be keeping you in my prayers. Memere Clare
Oh, and another thought: Picture someone else saying to you that they thought they should suffer rather than take government assistance. Would you think that was a good idea? The right thing to do?
Nobody would rather have you suffer than take government assistance. That's crazy thinking.
That was one of the skills that group taught us (we had a licensed social worker leading and teaching our group). When your mind starts saying things like, "I don't deserve to get government assistance, or it's wrong to take handouts." You ask yourself "Is that sane thinking?" If someone else said that to you, would you think their thinking was right and sane?
. I do it when I get suicidal and depressed. I have tried posting in the mental health forum but got attacked there, too. Don't worry, I have learned my lesson not to post emotional support requests here.
Besides, someone already helped here by telling me about their rich inner, intellectual life, which I do have. I just didn't realize it until that person wrote it to me and it changed everything in my attitude. People tend to discount that you can have a rich inner life and they think that being social is the answer to everything. Not for everyone.
And, I'm going to the doctor for my physical problems and am getting surgery. He said it's from diabetes.
We are the stories we tell about ourselves. I need to change the story!
Heart:
Please come back to chat. Lots of people have been down, depressed and suicidal… and are still around to tell about it. You are one of them too.
And you know almost anything you post here (or anywhere else) there will be some supportive, kind people and some snarky nasty ones. Throw the rubbish away!
Please try to stay a bit encouraged and keep moving forward. Seeing your doctor and getting surgery is a good start.
I'll chat with you when you post.
Hope you're have a good Saturday night.
Looking forward to hearing from you on your next post. XO
. I do it when I get suicidal and depressed. I have tried posting in the mental health forum but got attacked there, too. Don't worry, I have learned my lesson not to post emotional support requests here.
Besides, someone already helped here by telling me about their rich inner, intellectual life, which I do have. I just didn't realize it until that person wrote it to me and it changed everything in my attitude. People tend to discount that you can have a rich inner life and they think that being social is the answer to everything. Not for everyone.
And, I'm going to the doctor for my physical problems and am getting surgery. He said it's from diabetes.
We are the stories we tell about ourselves. I need to change the story!
Maybe as you said you are a agnostic is the problem , as putting God in a box pushes God away , as the doctors cannot do anything thing with their ideas than the perplexing ideas is that only God could do something , but you push God away
Just checking in this Sunday morning to say hi and how's it going. I was wondering (generally) where you live and if you might get outdoors for a few minutes. It's crappy weather here but I'm going to sit outside anyway, even if it rains. Also want to say I've discovered a positive, supportive CD group, in case you haven't seen it - Books. It's pretty fast-paced but many titles of interest. If you're able to get an e-reader check out the titles.
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