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Old 08-14-2015, 11:55 AM
 
Location: Idaho
2,097 posts, read 1,922,854 times
Reputation: 8366

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My mother is 89 years old. She is in good physical health and her mind is still quite sharp. In the last few years, she had started to show some signs of mental decline and early dementia.

She remembers some events years ago in vivid details but her short term memory is terrible. She has also started showing signs of paranoia especially in the winter time when she is mostly cooped up inside the house and could not work outside in her garden. This paranoia has distorted some of her long term memory and has created severe rifts between her and some of the children.

About 15 years ago, my parents sold their house and moved into a living quarter in my brother house. My mother gave my brother $60K to 'pay' for the building cost. My brother refused but had to accept it when she insisted. He told her that he would divide the money among the grandchildren. My mother told him exactly how much to give to each grand kid for college accounts. Last year, when my mother learned of the hardship incurred by her niece's family, she gave them some cash out of her meager social security and pension. She then lamented that she wished she still had the proceed from the sale of the house and implied that my brother had talked her into giving the money to his two kids (there were 5 grand kids who got the money!).

She did the same to one of my sisters by insisting on paying back for all the medications that she had provided to my parents throughout the years (my sister is a family physician and has been providing all of their medical care needs). My sister had to accept $30K and donated it to various charities (with my mother's knowledge and consent). Now, my mother complained that she was not informed about the donations, that my sister disregarded her feeling. She talked constantly about how she was 'scammed' out of the her money, and wished that she still has the proceed of the house sale so that she could help the more deserving people.

Another sister helped her to donate the rest of the proceed of the house sale to various charitable organizations as directed by my mother. She now implied that this wonderful selfless sister had 'pocketed' some of the money.

My mother is a kind and 'saintly' person. She always sacrifices her needs for others. For years, she has been the one-woman charity organization helping all the less fortunate people that she was aware of be it her brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces, neighbors, friends or acquaintances.

Her problem is that she has what we called 'communist influence' mentality (mind you that she is completely apolitical). This might have been due to her Catholic upbringing. She cares deeply for the poor, the oppressed and dislikes the rich, successful people. My parents did a great job in raising her children with most of us being quite successful in life. The love and care that my mother has for each of the 12 kids throughout the years seem to shift more and more toward the less successful ones (the have-nots) and less for the independent, successful ones (the haves!).

In her current mental decline and moments of paranoia, some of the children that she had cherished even the ones who have been very good to her somehow morphed into money-grabbing, scheming, devious heartless people. The main sins that those siblings have committed were being my mother's more successful children.

Last edited by BellaDL; 08-14-2015 at 12:04 PM..
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Old 08-14-2015, 12:37 PM
 
Location: NE Mississippi
25,442 posts, read 17,128,344 times
Reputation: 37134
Quote:
Originally Posted by BellaDL View Post
My mother is 89 years old. She is in good physical health and her mind is still quite sharp. In the last few years, she had started to show some signs of mental decline and early dementia.

She remembers some events years ago in vivid details but her short term memory is terrible. She has also started showing signs of paranoia especially in the winter time when she is mostly cooped up inside the house and could not work outside in her garden. This paranoia has distorted some of her long term memory and has created severe rifts between her and some of the children.

About 15 years ago, my parents sold their house and moved into a living quarter in my brother house. My mother gave my brother $60K to 'pay' for the building cost. My brother refused but had to accept it when she insisted. He told her that he would divide the money among the grandchildren. My mother told him exactly how much to give to each grand kid for college accounts. Last year, when my mother learned of the hardship incurred by her niece's family, she gave them some cash out of her meager social security and pension. She then lamented that she wished she still had the proceed from the sale of the house and implied that my brother had talked her into giving the money to his two kids (there were 5 grand kids who got the money!).

She did the same to one of my sisters by insisting on paying back for all the medications that she had provided to my parents throughout the years (my sister is a family physician and has been providing all of their medical care needs). My sister had to accept $30K and donated it to various charities (with my mother's knowledge and consent). Now, my mother complained that she was not informed about the donations, that my sister disregarded her feeling. She talked constantly about how she was 'scammed' out of the her money, and wished that she still has the proceed of the house sale so that she could help the more deserving people.

Another sister helped her to donate the rest of the proceed of the house sale to various charitable organizations as directed by my mother. She now implied that this wonderful selfless sister had 'pocketed' some of the money.

My mother is a kind and 'saintly' person. She always sacrifices her needs for others. For years, she has been the one-woman charity organization helping all the less fortunate people that she was aware of be it her brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces, neighbors, friends or acquaintances.

Her problem is that she has what we called 'communist influence' mentality (mind you that she is completely apolitical). This might have been due to her Catholic upbringing. She cares deeply for the poor, the oppressed and dislikes the rich, successful people. My parents did a great job in raising her children with most of us being quite successful in life. The love and care that my mother has for each of the 12 kids throughout the years seem to shift more and more toward the less successful ones (the have-nots) and less for the independent, successful ones (the haves!).

In her current mental decline and moments of paranoia, some of the children that she had cherished even the ones who have been very good to her somehow morphed into money-grabbing, scheming, devious heartless people. The main sins that those siblings have committed were being my mother's more successful children.
Success, I have found, is not always the result of a sound psyche. Sometimes it is just the result of being self-centered as hell.

In fact, after a lifetime in business and sales and other things, I can say that successful people who are well balanced are fairly rare.
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Old 08-14-2015, 12:43 PM
 
Location: SW US
2,838 posts, read 3,178,654 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nor'Eastah View Post

For whoever asked, both events were preceded by minor surgery that left the parent(s) in a condition where for a couple weeks, at least, they would not just be able to walk out of the facility. There was some convalescence needed. But it dragged on and on seemingly forever, until it dawned on the elder that they were never going to leave. We visited them. Their children visited them, even the ones blamed for having set up the situation. In the end, they had nowhere else to go. Home, it seems, had gone away also.
I have also seen this happen. A hospital stay in an elderly person, or a spouse's death, can leave them disoriented for at time. Some children may use this time to make changes to their lives that the parents agree to without really thinking it through. This does not require any legal authority over them. Then later it's too late to undo.
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Old 08-14-2015, 01:39 PM
 
2,508 posts, read 2,167,921 times
Reputation: 5426
I've done volunteer work in nursing homes (by choice, not because I had to), and found it very disheartening/depressing.

I know that our life expectancy is longer now than it has been in any time in history, but it's important to note that much of that involves people living in nursing homes in which their quality of life has gotten worse compared to when they were younger/healthier. Based on what I saw, someone can linger on in a nursing home for many years before they pass...very sad.

I guess it's better than the alternative, however. I read somewhere that the life expectancy for an average American Male in 1900 was only 47 years old...
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Old 08-14-2015, 02:38 PM
 
Location: near bears but at least no snakes
26,650 posts, read 28,557,937 times
Reputation: 50477
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Big Lebowski Dude View Post
I've done volunteer work in nursing homes (by choice, not because I had to), and found it very disheartening/depressing.

I know that our life expectancy is longer now than it has been in any time in history, but it's important to note that much of that involves people living in nursing homes in which their quality of life has gotten worse compared to when they were younger/healthier. Based on what I saw, someone can linger on in a nursing home for many years before they pass...very sad.

I guess it's better than the alternative, however. I read somewhere that the life expectancy for an average American Male in 1900 was only 47 years old...
But that 1900 life expectancy was based upon the high rate of childhood mortality. In those days, IF you lived, you had a good chance of living to a pretty good age. People lived well into their 80s and 90s.

I've seen too many instances of people spending years "living" in nursing homes. Sometimes it's necessary but there are too many times that the person would be better off at home with care or in some home-like facility than in an institutional nursing home. I wish that at least the conditions in these places were more humane and home-like.
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Old 08-14-2015, 02:49 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 21,937,686 times
Reputation: 15773
Quote:
Originally Posted by lenora View Post
Not in Maryland. This forum frequently reminds me why I am happy to be living in the "nanny state".
Just curious, how is Maryland a nanny state?

I have a sister in your state, maybe I'll move there, lol.

So, everyone, check out whether in your state a nursing home of any kind can claim guardianship of you.
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Old 08-14-2015, 03:56 PM
 
Location: Idaho
2,097 posts, read 1,922,854 times
Reputation: 8366
Quote:
Originally Posted by Listener2307 View Post
Success, I have found, is not always the result of a sound psyche. Sometimes it is just the result of being self-centered as hell.

In fact, after a lifetime in business and sales and other things, I can say that successful people who are well balanced are fairly rare.
This depends on how one defines or perceives success in life. If it only means having money, status and fame then you are correct that success does not equate having a sound psyche.

I consider some of my siblings quite successful not because of their education, good careers, income etc but more because they are quite well balanced, happy people. They have good marriages, great children, keep themselves healthy (physically and mentally) etc. Several of them are also very civic minded. They are very much the opposite of self-centered people.

The problem is with my elderly mother's decline mental health and not with any of the siblings.
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Old 08-14-2015, 04:07 PM
 
2,508 posts, read 2,167,921 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by in_newengland View Post
But that 1900 life expectancy was based upon the high rate of childhood mortality. In those days, IF you lived, you had a good chance of living to a pretty good age. People lived well into their 80s and 90s.

I've seen too many instances of people spending years "living" in nursing homes. Sometimes it's necessary but there are too many times that the person would be better off at home with care or in some home-like facility than in an institutional nursing home. I wish that at least the conditions in these places were more humane and home-like.
You're correct. However, my point still stands - i.e., that there were less older people around in those days than there are now. So, we didn't have as many people living in nursing homes/assisted living facilities as we have these days, simply because 100+ years ago much of the population didn't live to be what we now consider elderly:

1900-2000: Changes in Life Expectancy in the United States | ElderWeb
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Old 08-14-2015, 05:13 PM
 
1,834 posts, read 2,688,338 times
Reputation: 2675
Never ever under any circumstance sign a power of attorney.
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Old 08-14-2015, 06:06 PM
 
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
7,678 posts, read 5,414,240 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NYgal2NC View Post
This is horribly scary! How can we protect ourselves from this happening in our older years?
Don't have kids!
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