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I think that the major part of it is that he has acted that way for their entire marriage and it is very hard to "teach an old dog new tricks". She has told me that in his ethnic group it is very common for mothers to treat their sons like pampered little princes and train them that they should be waited on hand & foot their entire lives by a woman (their mother, their sisters, their wife or their daughters). She said that it really did not bother her that much while he was working because he had a very demanding job but she really tried to get him to "step up" when he retired.
She does hire some of the work out (occasionally), they go to restaurants, etc. but then he complains that they are spending too much money and she should try to work more overtime. Luckily, he has learned to make his own breakfast and lunch (or eat those meals out) or he would starve because she refuses to that for him, too.
Of course, you never really know what is going on in someone else's marriage but it seems to me that she is really "getting the short end of the stick".
When I have a chance I'll post about my retirement situation.
Wonder what ethnic group that would be. We are Hispanic and you would think my mother would have catered to my brothers this way - but NO!
They (5 boys) are better cooks and cleaners/bottle washers than any of the 6 girls. I love to hear my SILs just rave about my brothers washing dishes, cooking, doing the yard work etc. They even like to IRON!! My other half irons all my clothes. He will cook and wash dishes by hand too. I'm a dishwasher kind of person. He does all the yard work. I have hired it out recently due to his diagnosis, but he told me to stop. If it makes him happy, I guess he can go back to cutting the grass.
Hubby's retirement took effect about 4 months before mine because he had a lot of stored up vacation that he could not get paid cash for so he "vacationed out" for those 4 months. I hated getting up early and having to go to my stressful job, but I didn't resent HIM for it. I just resented my job. I was happy for him to be free, and looked forward to my freedom. He did catch up the honey do list during that time, but I didn't goad him into it. He just didn't want to be bored while home alone. We've always divided the work around the home and do it without any nagging because we both are adults and understand that 2 people made the mess, 2 people should clean it up.
I have some friends where the husband has been retired for a couple of years and the wife still needs to work about three more years before she can retire. The big problem is not that he is retired but that he appears to be a lazy bum. He had always been a "old fashioned" type husband (bring home the major salary and let his wife raise the children and do ALL of the housework, even though she was working full time, too).
Well, she is working fulltime (40 to 50 hours a week) and still doing ALL of the grocery shopping, ALL of the cooking, ALL of the cleaning, ALL of the laundry, ALL of the bill paying, ALL of the everything and she is getting pretty fed-up with it.
What does he do all day? Play golf, exercise, watch TV, play on the computer, play pick-up sports with his buddies. She even does the yard work and mows the lawn (on her days off).
She really is not angry that he is retired but angry that he has not stepped up to do more of the work around the house now that he is not working.
It's easy for guys to act like their job is "harder" all those years...and yet, once retired, STILL do nothing - blows their excuses out of the water but old habits die hard. If I was her I'd pay to have all that stuff done - out of HIS money (yeah, I know, it's probably all pooled anyway, but on principle...).
I am 2 anda half years older than my husband. He is essentially "retired" because he cannot find work.
He does maintain the house - even the kitchen - so I am grateful for that.
But when I retire in a little over 3 years - regardless of where we end up - I am hoping he goes back to work at something he loves.
Yes, I am a little resentful on those days it's really hard to get up for work. And when I come home exhausted mentally and physically - and he's raring to go for a hike?
NO.
I have to adjust his thinking - and tell him - because it's been so long since he's had to hold down an 8-5 job.
My husband became permanently disabled and unable to hold any job at age 58. Unfortunately, I needed to leave my profession a few years before that due to my serious health issues. Due to a variety of unexpected and unplanned for financial problems over the years, primarily related to my husband's health and current disabilities, I needed to return to work full time.
While I was/am physically/mentally/emotionally unable to return to my former profession (teaching special education students -primarily with severe behavior problems or with multiple handicapping conditions) at age 63 I do substitute teach full time. In addition, I have a part time job, and also search out paying "gigs" such as babysitting and tutoring. In addition, I am caregiver for my husband. He has severe brain damage as well as a number of physical problems.
Luckily, he has retained his long term memory so he is able to do laundry and cleaning and other tasks around the house. And it gives him something to occupy his time, of course there can be problems such as when he washes and then rewashes the clothes because he has forgotten that he has already done them or when he forgets to eat when I am not home to remind him, or puts clothes soap in the dishwasher. But things like that have always minor problems, so far.
Since he can not be left alone overnight (so I can't go out of town) or for long periods of time without supervision, we have worked out a system that works for us. I go to bed between 10 PM & 11 PM and he goes to bed at 3 AM or 4 AM and sleeps until 1 PM or 2 PM, In that way I am home from work within a few hours after he gets up, and I can check in before I go to my part time job and if he has difficulty while I am asleep he can wake me up. Hopefully we can continue that pattern until his cognitive & physical health deteriorates to the point where he can not be ever be left alone. Unfortunately, that will involve other problems as we certainly can not afford for me to stop working or have the $5,000 to $6,000 a month to pay for a dementia/memory unit (even if I am still working).
germaine2626: You and several others have written such difficult posts. I am so sorry for what happened to your husband. 58 and so horrifically disabled? Did his company provide anything to make up (not that it ever can be made up) his loss of income.
Mainly I wanted to say how much I admire you and the others. Heavy burdens. Even though you love the person who is affected, what a toll it takes on you.
And your being a teacher to such difficult children.... thank you for your courage and your compassion.
I am not living with anyone (just the cat). Have been divorced many years.
About five years ago I had to retire due to health problems. At that time I had a woman friend who was still working. She would get pretty irate at me being "retired". Said I needed to get a job.
Then about a year later she lost her job due to downsizing. A lot of people were let go. She collected unemployment, severance, and I believe SS. Put her in really good financial shape. And she loved to talk about all the money she had/has. My retirement was not so generous in terms of money.
We are no long friends. I found her reminding me of how well off she is vs my situation, etc. Some other things, too.
My husband and I ended up relocating due to his job. The job paid very well, and it was agreed I didn't have to work anymore. He was always very good about household chores when we both worked, and part of me not working was taking up the slack, which was fine by me.
Over time, he has developed more of a "he who has the gold makes the rules" attitude, despite the fact he suggested I no longer work outside the home in the first place. It has caused a lot of tension.
He's just now retired, so it remains to be seen if that attitude continues....
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Luckily, he has learned to make his own breakfast and lunch (or eat those meals out) or he would starve because she refuses to that for him, too.
