Retiring far from Family - Isn't this selfish? (vacations, retired, vacation)
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I have no children but my parents are still alive, in their 70s. I have 3 siblings. I have wanted to move to a warmer climate since my teens. I'd like to do so while I can still enjoy it. My parents may live another 20 years. I don't really care if they think I'm selfish. I've done too much in my life because of someone else. No more. Everything I do now is with that goal in mind, and I don't expect any of them to care for me.
Ummm......could it be because he also posted this?
Quote:
Originally Posted by JayCT
When she comes home family members will go down and help out for a couple of weeks to be sure they are doing well.
This however is not good enough. MIL has called several times complaining how hard it is for her husband and how he needs help making decisions and getting around.
While she has not demanded anything yet, she is laying the guilt on heavily, to the point where I told DW to consider going down to be there for her.
I also want to say that over the years there have been a number of situations which have been a problem for the family. Illnesses, poor medical care and general living problems have all been things we have dealt with from a far.
Saw way too much of this years ago when aunt/uncle were in failing health with children 5-12 hours away - each of whom also had families and health issues of their own. I vowed then I would never move away from my son - it's just too unfair when a parent begins to fail and all their care must be managed long-distance, and crises dealt with by neighbors - which is what happened in my family. Further, most people, as NEG indicated, don't have the resources to employ enough help in order that they may age comfortably in their own homes. OP's in-laws are well-fixed financially - so I agree with others. They need to hire in-home care or move to an ALF. Still, the burden of making these arrangements will fall on the family. It's a giant pain, and a real imposition when elders are thousands of miles away from offspring and kin. jmo from experience.
No more than relative who move away for various reasons. Choice in not selfish; IMO.
Often children move away because of job issues beyond their control (corporate transfers, etc.) - which was the case in my family, with elderly parents left behind. All pleas to relocate nearer one of the children fell on deaf ears. To the point, the burden fell on the neighbors until they couldn't anymore.
Intentionally retiring far away from family and kin is not selfish if the retiree plans ahead and is proactive on their own behalf for their own care as health changes - and does not lay guilt trips on the far-away kin.
I know I am going to get slammed here because of past posts I have made but what are people thinking when they retire and move thousands of miles away from family and friends? Aren't they being kind of selfish assuming that as they age their family will be there to help them when needed?
Yes, I think it is extremely selfish that other people would expect someone who has finally retired from the working world & raising a family would stay close by because it is convenient to these other friends & family that the older folks just jettison their plans & dreams for their final years.
But the oldsters have to own the consequences of this decision as well, possibly ailing & dying without the family left behind being nearby during bad times.
In my own family, while I was in school, we all lived near. Then my Grandmother died. My grandfather died a few years later but only Mom would go, he had been excised from the family for dumping Grandma with kids still in school. But we got together often and we were alike in age, the kids four years apart, and parents close too.
We moved a bit further but we still visited. Then Mom died. Dad died. My cousins moved up to norcal. My aunt died first, and my uncle a few years later. I'd like to contact my cousins but we're not going to travel between states to visit.
I really missed seeing my family slowly go and felt very much like it, almost like it with my husbands. I felt like they were family and I still do. But unlike mine, where they accepted me quirks and all, I've always felt like I couldn't entirely be myself. They've been kind and I feel like family, but I moved away from the family base. I needed to get to get away from it. We stay in touch, but I feel as if I am still able to be ME.
Sometimes being with family is good, but sometimes its easier to not quite be so close. As I get older, when I think of how I feel about my inlaws, I feel as if I'm somehow not being 'right' to my own. Or maybe I just wish I could have them back for a little while.
My son is doing well in his life and I'd never expect him to live it to be near mom so he could help.
In reading some posts, whether it be this thread or the one on communicating with adult children since retired, I'm amazed at how many write about how they used to do things. The past is the past. Glorious or un-glorious as it was, things change. Live your life wherever you geographically see fit. How sad to fear adventure because you 'might' need help someday. Buy that smart phone (other thread) and start texting. I, myself, started a thread awhile back about the lost art of lunching after a certain age but it's become a thing of the past. Facebook is the social mecca of today. It's all about jumping in and sharing your good news in as few words as possible then moving on with your own busy life. Do I wish things were different? Sure but they're not. I've lived in 4 different states since 1997. Our son whined a bit, told us we were selfish, but his life is/was full with camping, coaching little league, career, not to mention his own friends. And I was supposed to mire myself in a local rut for what? I grew up with a grandmother and an aunt living upstairs and they both ended up in nursing homes because my mother had her own five children to tend to.
I know I am going to get slammed here because of past posts I have made but what are people thinking when they retire and move thousands of miles away from family and friends? Aren't they being kind of selfish assuming that as they age their family will be there to help them when needed? ........
Okay, so now let the bashing begin. Jay
Jay i'm gonna weigh in on this topic. Oh and by the way it is a good topic to discuss here on this retirement forum. I do not agree that in general moving away from family in retirement is selfish. It is however selfish to expect family to come visit all the time or come to bail out issues. Your MIL is very selfish and as one poster here said "bless her for making it to 90". We can all hope we make that lofty number in good health. Given that she and her SO have the resources that is not expected (this is an assumption) to be left as inheritance, she should seriously consider and do everything in her power to remain less of a burden to the family. It doesn't sound like the family is in financial straights and all have busy lives and careers. It is time for your MIL to listen to reason and do what is best.
For any in similar circumstances but with less resources other options would be suitable but in your case as I read it this is how I feel.
No, it is not selfish to move far from friends/family. Your MIL has the right to live her life as she pleases.
However, it is selfish to expect others to drop everything and travel to you when you decide you need them. If MIL and step-FIL need help beyond what family is able to offer, they should hire it. This is just a consequence of the decision to move far away.
what this post says
if you feel resentful about running to help them, then don't do it
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Jay
