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I think when a person is old enough to retire
they should do or go anywhere they want.
They deserve it.
Yes, exactly. Gee, when my mother retired and moved hundreds of miles away from me was I supposed to whine and stomp my feet and tell her not to go? I mean, really, this whole thing could get really nuts.
Yes, exactly. Gee, when my mother retired and moved hundreds of miles away from me was I supposed to whine and stomp my feet and tell her not to go? I mean, really, this whole thing could get really nuts.
So what happens if your mother has dementia and can no longer live by herself? When her older husband has even worse dementia and has a string silver alerts where he goes off in a car he's not supposed to drive, and vanishes until the police find him hours later many miles from home. He eventually had his major health event, landed in the hospital, and died in a nursing home 30 days later. That's what I have gone through over the last two years. I'm power of attorney and health care power of attorney. I had to move her to assisted living. I get the strange and wonderful phone calls at all hours of the day as she has health issues.
My mother was living in a semi-rural/suburban place where the doctor was 30 minutes. I was an hour from the house in the summer outside of rush hour and 4 hours in the winter. Every time I had to go cope with a geriatric parent incident, I did my own internal rant about the lunacy of picking a house at age 80 that is so far from everything. I moved her to assisted living 15 minutes closer to me and much closer to services that didn't cut her off from her few remaining friends. I project manage her life. I pay all her bills. I deal with her health care. 45 minutes still sucks compared to being down the road in the local assisted living place but I didn't want to completely cut her off from her small circle of friends. If she continues to decline and no longer sees those friends, I'll move her 5 minutes away so it's more convenient.
If she were a 2 or 3 hour airplane ride away, I'm not sure what the outcome would have been. I have a job and my own life commitments. I can't just hop on an airplane and spend 3 months dealing with a train wreck.
As a poster noted above, be careful what you wish for. If they do move closer to you, you will become the full-time, everyday caregiver. Is that what you would prefer?
As it is, you can be assertive and say, "I'm willing to help you set up in-home care or find an assisted living facility you like! Let's get started!" Though as you say, it might be difficult to find an ALF depending on the increased level of care they both need now. No use in making assumptions--make a few phone calls and find out exactly what level of care is provided, and whether your in-laws will meet those requirements in their daily activities once out of rehab. In fact, it would be very helpful for rehab to know what the daily activity goals/needs would be so that they can create an appropriate rehab therapy program.
If your relationship is slightly strained, which it seems to be, and your MIL is a demanding and inconsiderate woman, as you have presented her, why on EARTH would you want to be responsible for her day-to-day needs, as you would be if they moved closer to you.
It's their perogative to live where they like as long as they can handle it. As I said, I'd be more inclined to happily help them handle it than to move them closer against their will. If they refuse to let you help them find in-home care or an ALF, then you've done what you can. It doesn't sound like everyone is racing off to help even in this rather extreme situation of a car accident and broken bones.
So what happens if your mother has dementia and can no longer live by herself? When her older husband has even worse dementia and has a string silver alerts where he goes off in a car he's not supposed to drive, and vanishes until the police find him hours later many miles from home. He eventually had his major health event, landed in the hospital, and died in a nursing home 30 days later. That's what I have gone through over the last two years. I'm power of attorney and health care power of attorney. I had to move her to assisted living. I get the strange and wonderful phone calls at all hours of the day as she has health issues.
My mother was living in a semi-rural/suburban place where the doctor was 30 minutes. I was an hour from the house in the summer outside of rush hour and 4 hours in the winter. Every time I had to go cope with a geriatric parent incident, I did my own internal rant about the lunacy of picking a house at age 80 that is so far from everything. I moved her to assisted living 15 minutes closer to me and much closer to services that didn't cut her off from her few remaining friends. I project manage her life. I pay all her bills. I deal with her health care. 45 minutes still sucks compared to being down the road in the local assisted living place but I didn't want to completely cut her off from her small circle of friends. If she continues to decline and no longer sees those friends, I'll move her 5 minutes away so it's more convenient.
If she were a 2 or 3 hour airplane ride away, I'm not sure what the outcome would have been. I have a job and my own life commitments. I can't just hop on an airplane and spend 3 months dealing with a train wreck.
I'm sorry for your situation. That sounds really difficult.
My mother is, right now, at 85, in very good health. She does live alone, her choice, several of us have offered,, but there are other people close by, my brother, his wife and others. If she declines, then she declines and we go from there. She has given power fo attorney to my snl.
Without reading thru all the posts I can say that you can't pick your family and they can drive you nuts if you are not compatible. I left home when I was 19 years old and tried to be nice; giving money, helping to pay for nieces and nephews college, helping my Mom, etc, etc. Now, in my old age, only my Canadian sister (she fled also) stays in contact with me. I am now glad I left home and am far away. Families can be a great source of frustration, irritation and heartbreak. I know a few old people who are a royal pain to their families because they refuse to leave their huge houses, can't drive, fall down, have strokes and yet, expect the world to revolve around them. It goes both ways.
I hear you! Been there with my in-laws. DH changed jobs and we moved 1000 miles back to old town in order to take care of them. They of course continued to age and to have problems. My husband could not turn his back on them and say "oh well." We did not enjoy arranging everything for them. Our vacations, our daily lives, our commitments to our jobs were all impacted by the needs of two parents who wanted life "as it used to be." My DH and I are now the old people. I moved five years into retirement to be closer to son. I never call him unless it is an emergency. I cooperate. I have downsized and I have simplified. We are part of his life when it works for ALL of us. We will continue to age and our problems will become his problems. We are doing everything possible to ease that situation for him and his family. If you truly love your family, ALL (old and young) have to work together. It is not easy for you. Now that I am old, I believe it is easier for me than it was when I was in your shoes.
It's not selfish to move away necessarily, but it is selfish at that point to expect things to be like there were when living close. Some families aren't close and some are...... that plays into emotions too.
I hear you. We moved away 11 years ago and my mom's health declined to the point we had to move her in with us the beginning of 2012. She just died a few months ago, but those 3 years made things VERY hard though I am thankful I did it. My in-laws moved to FL so as to not be a burden. Then they moved to NC 3 hours away from my SIL thinking they could be there to help HER but they didn't want to be TOO close. Now my FIL's health is failing and my MIL is having more health issues and the kids are having to go in sometimes more than 800 miles to help. We have 4 children and can't afford to fly all of us down when they need us. My husband works and I take care of our children, plus we have pets that require us paying for a pet/house sitter and because we can't afford to fly it, we have to drive there and break it up into 2 days because my husband already has back issues of his own.
I was saddened to hear what my in-laws go through though while we were visiting last week. She has to pay someone $50/hour just to come out and do basic maintenance, yard work, etc. that we could very easily be doing if they were closer to us. My FIL feels like a prisoner because he needs so much help and my MIL is petite and has her own health issues so she can't take him out for day trips anywhere. There is a male companion program where he goes a couple of days a week for his health condition, but they would have to pay for it and it isn't the same as going with his wife or one of us. It broke our hearts!!
As a result, we decided this past week that we need to move. We considered where they are, but we just don't feel it's the best fit for our family. So we're deciding on an area that is and it puts us at least halfway closer to them meaning we could do the trip in one day vs. two which would make it easier to do long weekends or show up when my FIL is in the hospital or my MIL needs surgery. Where we are looking, there's also a small airport that has inexpensive airfare between the two towns which would really help too. Our goal is to look for property where we will have the land to build a small, 2 bedroom house for them on our property and move them with us. Either way it's a win/win because they'll either live right next door basically or we'll be closer.
We want to be there for them. And hopefully by taking care of my mom and helping our in-laws our children will try to stay close when they grow up. Finding a place they will be happy is a very important part of our search though we know it still doesn't guarantee anything.
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