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The poster stated that ALL abused women have the same characteristics. She did not say 'some'. Go back and read it.
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No, the poster said
"women who put up with abusers are drama vortexes. It's not like they picked out a dress they later decided they don't like, and take back. They don't just hang up the victim mentality and move on. When their lives become drama-free, even for a short time, they feel "wrong." They simultaneously hate and thrive on drama"
I've only had that one experience with the downstairs neighbor, but one other thing she said that made me think twice was that "Unless you as a woman had SUFFERED, you are not a real woman". At my then young age of 30, I would not have qualified. I just didn't feel at that time and even now really that I have "suffered". Knock on wood!
That was just one case, so I know they are not all the same. I'm just glad I did not get sucked into that situation.
People who have made a mess of their adult lives, *usually* are in that situation due to failings on their own part. There are enough helplines, shelters, and agencies - public and private - already set up and waiting for the next victim who wants to help herself. If this lady truly wanted to change her life, she could do so. She doesn't need you to help her in any way. But it has to be her decision, not an offer from you. Professionals have protection for their clients; you likely do not. Be careful.
I believe he is moving there, so she would be moving there also.
I'm a female, by the way. Part of my problem is that I worked in nonprofits most of my career. And this wonderful woman is only a year older than my son so I think of him when I talk to her.
All of you are correct. I've got to realize I'm no longer in the business and I no longer have the resources to help. What I can do is share my knowledge and be a shoulder.
Wow, this is so not true. I was in an abusive relationship for 15 years; this post insults me.
Unfortunately, this just makes my point. You stayed in an abusive relationship for 15 years. I wouldn't have stayed for a day.
And during those 15 years, did you listen to friends who wanted to help? Did you bring any drama into their lives? Were you good company? Could you have gone on a trip with someone without your abuser affecting that vacation?
The bottom line to the fact that you say you were in an abusive relationship for 15 years, just makes my point to the OP. By taking your neighbor on a vacation, you probably won't change the fact that she will probably stay in her abusive relationship, or simply find another one. And her drama will become your drama. And abusers love to blame anyone who interferes, and they can be violent and vindictive. You would be lucky if you only had your car keyed. And then you say to the woman, "See, he's dangerous." And then she'd say something like, "But, he loves me." Or when he's nice, he's so nice, etc. And you'll say, "But, he keeps breaking your bones or calls your bosses and makes you lose your job, etc. And she'll start defending him. She'll complain, then she'll defend.
And yes, I believe that means all women who stay in abusive relationships for 15 years. To me, this does not earn you a badge or any respect. I'm sorry your life was hard for 15 years, but I wouldn't let it become my problem. And I advise others not to let it become theirs, either.
As someone else said, there are lots of resources for victims of domestic violence. But, somebody has to want to change. In my experience, people who live with drama, don't just walk away from it easily. And being involved with them means getting involved in their drama. If that sounds like something you want to do, great. Been there. Learned my lesson. I now say a prayer and I might give them phone number to a counselor or resources, which they probably already have, and then I stay away.
I swear, if I hear another woman in my life say, "He won't let me," I think I'll scream and never stop. This is not the 1800's. If you don't want to do what he tells you to do, you can leave, divorce, whatever. Wah, wah, he won't let me visit my kids, etc., etc. The last friend I listened to for 15 years ***** about her husband, I finally let go of and told her why. I can't listen to you complain about your husband one more time. I've offered to give you a place to stay, if you ever decide to really leave him, give me a call. Otherwise, we're done. I wish you well.
Another friend I ended up letting go, would make a date to spend a day with me maybe once a year. She would be on the phone with her husband most of our time out. And usually he would say something to her that would make her cry. And she wouldn't leave him either. So, was our time affected by this guy? Yes. We could never just have a day out together.
From her perspective, you might say, she needed a friend. Well, so did I. I was not her counselor or savior or whatever.
Being friends with these women does not bring quality to your life.
Last edited by NoMoreSnowForMe; 01-07-2016 at 09:10 PM..
Unfortunately, this just makes my point. You stayed in an abusive relationship for 15 years. I wouldn't have stayed for a day. . . ..
Neither would I. But then, I'm an uncommonly independent being. I've known/read about/heard about enough stories of women who found themselves mired in an abusive relationship that I would not ever dare criticize them for not taking action sooner.
Nor will I criticize you for your opinion, because I don't know the context you have for holding it. But I completely do not share it.
Once people have reached a certain age, the chances are small that they will change significantly. Even with a psychotherapist who is trained to help in these matters, it doesn't always work. I have a male cousin, age about 55, who can regale you for hours about the ways in which the world is screwed up and about his own analyses of things, but his own life is a shambles. He doesn't have two nickles to rub together, but of course he has reasons for that and it's never his fault. A few months back I offered to give him $2000 to get his teeth fixed, but he did not accept because that was not his priority at the time. I was not going to give the money directly to him, but instead pay it to a dental office. Well, O.K., at least he didn't try to get it paid to him directly. He has these big dreams about things changing, but if I were the betting type I would bet change will never happen with him. I've listened to him for too many years without seeing any change.
I have heard too many stories of an older person helping out someone with problems. Please don't do it. You are only hearing one side of a story. Many people "target" seniors for their money or more.
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