Aging and being away from family (grandparent, relative, cousins, respects)

[Cosmic]

Originally Posted by Putty

I just turned 50.......and going thru the same thought pattern. I am wondering if this is like a turning point in our lives? So we are second guessing it.....<<sigh>> I know I have made some fatal errors in my life and cannot go back to change them, so I have to go forward and live with the consequences of my actions. I have done nothing because maybe I am afraid of making more errors.......hhhhmm!

I would not fret so much. I lived away from most of my relatives for a good number of years. Nobody else lived in New England, tho I did get to see some as they would be in town for business or passing through that airport, etc.

Now I live much closer to some of them. Still none in the same county or super close, but I can go see them in a one day drive pretty easy. I love most of my relatives, most are some pretty super peeps. I don't mind they don't all live up super close to me. Now I am able to go see just about anyone. I actually would like one of the relatives to move to San Francisco or even Sausalito, in a pinch I could even do Oakland. Some of my relatives I even have the keys to their house, beat motels. Can even stay if they are not there.

The few relatives that haven't made much out of their lives are not worth spending much time around, blood does not automatically make them a fun experience. Complete strangers can be better.

Concentrate on making your own life as happy as possible. Your solutions are within yourself. The better your own life, the more your relatives will want to enjoy it with you. The happy greeting will last even through a very extended visit.

All our lives are ticking away a second at a time. If it is any consolation to you it is happening to us all, even the best, even the rich ones, even the most accomplished. There is no magic bullet for aging. I think my dog has solved it better than anyone I know. I am so curious have even had a nip of her dog chow. Got to be an answer in there somewhere.

Buck up, keep a stiff upper......... Steady On.

And all that rot.

[Kurt]

Boy, do I relate to all of you who have posted. I am just starting to get close to my older brother--8 years older than I am--but we still cannot get together without him bossing me as little brother. But I do think he loves me and I him. We really hated each other for a long time. Both parents are gone. I think that has brought us a bit closer together. I virtually gave him my half of our Summer cabin in Minnesota--cause I knew that I could not own anything in common with him. Besides, he has kids and grandkids--but they will probably sell it someday.

The one thing that has sustained me more than anything is a sense of humor. It takes time, but I can finally laugh at some of the slights and hurts
--real and imagined--that I received from family. And everyday I see more of my Mom and Dad in me--my behavior. And those things I cannot laugh about the Good Lord is helping me simply forget or let go of--but it does take time.

I am not strong enough to forgive all that has gone before. But I am blessed with the ability to forget and even laugh at the absurdity of it all.

One person said somewhere on this post, or perhaps another in the retirement forum, that "Life is but a whisper"--it is so fleeting. That says it all. We have only one place to go and that is forward. The past is indeed past, although we must live with its consequences.

I can laugh at most anything, now. Sometimes it gets me in a bit of trouble because I know I use it as a coping mechanism even in times of tragedy. But I will never give it up--cause when you laugh hard enough you can cry. Which comes first, the laughter or the crying? Sometimes I cry and then start to laugh! I ramble too much. But this thread has been very therapeutic for me. Thanks to all of you.

[yellowsnow]

All my relatives are older than me and looking for help in their declining years. I already did my share. Spent 11 years taking care of my father! So I am running away as fast as I can!

[OREGONRAIN]

I think for many of us as we age and if we live far from family, it becomes apparent especially if we become ill, that we may not be able to remain living far from family indefinitely. I have been dealing with that, my health improved, but I had to face the fact the situation is much worse when there was no family nearby, I decided I had to do something about it, since another time will come and history repeats itself. I decided I do not want to live 3000 miles from the only relative I have left in the world my sister in Massachusetts, so I try to find a retirement locale in the eastern USA. I have found nothing, since I don't do southern USA very well, I can't stand the cold of new england, and can't afford it. so I may have to compromise something, and will end up doing that during 2007. I think this type of situation is very common for people as they get older and have been living away from family.

[Putty]

I don't know if I am missing my family, or missing the things I like and used to do where I am from?

I know I don't want to return to the cold, but yet I miss things about my home, and not so much my family. This sounds selfish, I know!

If I returned home it wouldn't be because I missed them! You cannot miss something u don't have. The longer I have been away the longer it is that we don't communicate. Like......how soon we forget about each other!

Then again, if I do go home and they still don't communicate with me, is it going to hurt? hhhhhhmmm! I don't know!

And am I going to wonder why I moved back?

[OREGONRAIN]

Yes that is a possibility, I have thought of that also, What if you make the move that is closer, but you still are far away emotionally. I try to remember this story a woman told me last year at the Portland Airport. She was originally from Germany, had been in the states 35 years in Calif. She and her husband decided to move to Oregon, a rural area 2 years before, He died very suddenly and she was alone here no family at all. I guess they had no children. Her only family was a brother and sister in Germany, but she felt they had their own life, and it would be too much to have her suddenly return to Germany after 35 years She decided at least for awhile to remain in Oregon, but she was flying to Oklahoma to buy a puppy from a professional breeder there. She said sometimes its easier to deal with some emptiness and uncertainty than upsetting your whole life by moving. If after awhile she felt that staying so far away from any family was too much, she hoped they might bring it up, or she would have too, but for now it would be her and the puppy. It is very difficult to make decisions some time, I think it is sometimes better to stay where we are, until we get enough feedback from the other parties before we pack up and move.

[Kurt]

Originally Posted by yellowsnow

All my relatives are older than me and looking for help in their declining years. I already did my share. Spent 11 years taking care of my father! So I am running away as fast as I can!

Hey, yellowsnow. I was the caregiver to both Mom and Dad. I have found that I have actually pulled back from some relationships with ladies--I am a single man--because they were so obsessed with having to take care of their aging parents and I simply did not want to go through that again! My Mother was a saint, but my Dad was alot to handle in his last 3 years. He blamed everything on me--the caregiver--and my brother who was far away was the perfect one! The caregiver always is dumped upon, eh? Guess its because you are there to hear all the complaints. And once my brother visited and found all sorts of fault with the way I was doing things--what nerve! Now that I look back on it I think he might have felt a bit guilty. He is a bit of a control freak and by not being around he had lost control. But he had no desire to be the caregiver. I now know that it was all meant to be. I learned alot from the experience. But I still shudder to think that I might have to do it all again if I was involved with someone who had aged parents. It just took too much out of me. Maybe with time I will change. Just know that you are not alone. Lots of folks like me out there who went through the wringer as caregivers. But at least we will not be wondering if we could have done more--cause we gave so much already.

[Miss Blue]

Three of my four children and seven of my nine grandchildren live very near me. I raised the children and most of their children,(all but two of the grandchildren are in school) I wouldn't have it any other way. They keep me young. I was afraid that as they grew older and I grew older that they would grow away from me. Thank God they havent. They still seem come to me for advice (and money ). They know that I am always here for them, and do not treat me like an old lady. My three daughters have always had to work, even though they would rather be home. My grandchildren say they have two homes and are happy in both. I am truly blessed !!

[brightcopperkettles]

There must be something to this turning 50 thing. After reading all of your comments, I felt I must post something too.

I turn 50 in July. I have lived for the past 8 years in WA state with my husband, whom I dearly love, but away from my children, whom I also dearly love. It was bearable while my husband's mother was alive, but she has been gone a year now, and my husband's father just turned 90.

Last week we got a call from my dad saying my mom (who will be 70 this summer and has been in very ill health for years) had to be taken to the hospital. She is back home now, but is having quite a bit of trouble walking; she has the use of only half of her heart and has seriously bad rheumatoid arthritis. My dad has had several TIAs as well. My husband's father, who lives up here close to us, is actually in pretty good health.

While I understand my husband's desire to be close to his father, I feel exactly the same about my parents, and it is becoming harder and harder for me to live up here. That doesn't even include the cost of living up here in WA State; were we living in my home state of SC, we could both retire.

The problem is my husband's children and his very elderly father live up here. My parents, my children, and all my brothers and their families live in the South. My husband will be 62 in a couple of weeks, but as long as we live up here, he will NEVER be able to retire, nor will I. If we lived in SC, my husband could retire immediately, and I could retire in a couple of years.

Plus, on top of everything else, my daughter is getting married in October, and my son is graduating from college next year.

The best I have come up with thus far is for us to move to the South so my husband can retire and come up here to spend time with his dad as much as he wants. I can then be available to check on my parents and spend time with my children. So far, I have not been able to convince my husband to even do this much.

I know God never gives us more than we can handle, but I am pretty well at my limit now. What do y'all think? If any of you have any words of wisdom, I am all ears.

[sillygal]

Sounds to me like it is your turn! U have been living away from your family to be with his, now it is time to be with your family. And u are right, it would free him up to visit his family whenever he wants. U don't have that as it stands for either one of you.