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I've had many friendships over the years. But as I age (74 now), people's (including mine) lives change and there is no time or interest to maintain the relationship.
When I was a kid I was the designated listener. I listened to everyone's complaints, Mom's, sister's, etc. So I had some struggles becoming a talker. I am slow to speak as I do truly try to think before I open my mouth (some here may disagree with that).
I take some time to take a breath during a conversation and I have found with too many people they take the pause to signal them to jump in with what they want to say, never mind I have not completed my thought. And I have found people do not bother to listen to what I'm saying, start talking over me, cutting me off at the pass, so to speak. I have felt angry but kept my cool.
I've reached the point where I won't tolerate it any more. So my so-called friendship circle has greatly shrunk. I am not missing them. They have been rude and I'm just plain sick of it.
When I find a person who actually can have a two-way conversation, I treasure that person. I have found it's not how many friends I have, it is the quality of a friend, how much I enjoy being with them.
So I would say my message to the OP is to look for one good friend. Whatever and whoever comes along after that will be bonus for you. Don't worry so much. Relax. Find something you enjoy and I would bet you will find someone else enjoying the same thing. Good luck to you.
I find a lot of new seniors that I meet talk too much about themselves and an outing usually involves great tolerance. My friends, the ones I enjoy spending time with, are old friends. There's no need to catch up with the last 60 years of life, we just go forward from our last lunch. As for new friends, we have a couple that we like and we keep it simple and shallow. We're on the same page politically, and these days, that's enough to keep us talking. I met a nice woman last week while walking, someone I'd like to run into again. Simple and shallow is how I want it unless I already know you so well that we can interrupt each other, laugh and call each other out for nonsense.
Especially men! I've met three older men (around 65 - 75) in the last year who do nothing but talk about themselves. I can't get a word in edgewise. When I do comment on what they're saying or ask a question, they stop a second, look at me like I just grew another head, then continue on their discourse without acknowledging what I said. With the first one, I thought well he's on the edge of dementia or something. But as I keep meeting others just like him, I have to wonder what happens to men at a certain age that they're unable to have a back and forth convo? Or maybe I've just been unlucky to meet up with the few that have this disorder.
One of them lives down the street from me so I can't even walk in that direction anymore or he'll corner me and talk talk talk for an hour. I'll walk around the block in order to avoid him.
I take some time to take a breath during a conversation and I have found with too many people they take the pause to signal them to jump in with what they want to say, never mind I have not completed my thought. And I have found people do not bother to listen to what I'm saying, start talking over me, cutting me off at the pass, so to speak. I have felt angry but kept my cool.
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Those are all signs that people do not care about what you are saying or maybe they did but it took you too long to get it out.
When I facilitated a discussion group people got 1 minute. As Einstein said if you can't explain it simply you don't understand it yourself. Remember other people want to speak too.
Especially men! I've met three older men (around 65 - 75) in the last year who do nothing but talk about themselves. I can't get a word in edgewise. When I do comment on what they're saying or ask a question, they stop a second, look at me like I just grew another head, then continue on their discourse without acknowledging what I said. With the first one, I thought well he's on the edge of dementia or something. But as I keep meeting others just like him, I have to wonder what happens to men at a certain age that they're unable to have a back and forth convo? Or maybe I've just been unlucky to meet up with the few that have this disorder.
One of them lives down the street from me so I can't even walk in that direction anymore or he'll corner me and talk talk talk for an hour. I'll walk around the block in order to avoid him.
I think men talking about themselves is not saved just for the older guys. It's been my experience they do that at about any age.
I think women are the culprits here. A lot of women I know are heavily involved with their grandkids and great-grandkids and that's all they either want to do all day or talk about all day.
I am a great-grandmother whose family is all in OK. Due to unfortunate circumstance, we are not close and have no real contact.
Listening to women chatter away about the cute things their grandkids do or how smart and athletic, etc. gets a bit tiresome.
Last edited by NYgal1542; 11-21-2016 at 10:42 AM..
Reason: spelling
Those are all signs that people do not care about what you are saying or maybe they did but it took you too long to get it out.
When I facilitated a discussion group people got 1 minute. As Einstein said if you can't explain it simply you don't understand it yourself. Remember other people want to speak too.
Never proclaimed I was an Einstein.
In a friendship conversation, people are rude, rude, rude when they do that.
By retirement age, women greatly out number men and that ratio only grows with time. Women become desperate to find male companions. If that is not happening for you, you need to consider your weight/appearance, personal hygiene, social skills and/or religious and political beliefs.
Oh yes! We women are soooooo desperate to snag a man.
I'm not entirely sure the difficulty in making new friends is confined to our age group. On the women's friend-matching sites, there is hardly anyone over 50, let alone 60. Most are in their 20's. This could be because younger women are more comfortable using online sites like this, but it shows that even younger people who are working or going to school, two opportunities that should lead to friendships, have difficulties.
I do think times have changed (understatement of the year!). I recently visited an old home with a front parlor. Entertainment for the adults would be to sit together and listen to the Victrola. It was amazing to picture people just enjoying each other's company, along with music that everyone wanted to listen to. Decades later, with television, that would be the entertainment. There were a limited number of television shows, so people didn't always have something to watch.
But now there is all the entertainment and communication anyone could ever want, 24/7. So while someone might move to Florida and want to make new friends because they only would speak to their family on the phone once a week, we now have people who Skype, text, and talk to family all day long. Not much time or energy for new folks and relationships!
I think we've developed into too many niches. Years ago women of a certain age would tend to have some stuff in common. But these days every thing is so specific. I'm an active over 60, but I do yoga---a woman who plays tennis may not be someone I have a lot to talk about or get together to do our physical activity. I read, but the books I enjoy are never discussed at book clubs. I'm a vegan, but there are so many types of vegans and for different reasons, that even that isn't a commonality.
Not that people have to be clones of each other. It makes life interesting to have friends who aren't exactly like this. And I've had friends who shared the same interests and demographics, but not the same values, especially as it relates to friendship.
Perhaps that is the most significant issue---that people don't value friendship, any more than they value some of the other old-timey things (I'm sounding ancient here!) like a home-cooked meal that gets savored or reading in depth and for extended periods. Years ago you never heard of "ghosting"---people tended to stick with friends they made, unless there was a major blow-out fight. But now it's a phenomenon---people are easily disposed of, just like everything else.
So no real answers---just hope it helps to realize that there are others who mourn the lack of deep connections. I actually am very introverted and love my solitude, but do have time and space in my life for the right people who will add something to my life and allow me to add to theirs. Best to not be desperate or settle for less than what we need, but always be open to the unlikely but not totally implausible possibility of someone coming along who seeks the same things.
In a friendship conversation, people are rude, rude, rude when they do that.
Yes, in a friendship convo, I occasionally like to explore my attitudes and what I think. I don't always know, and it's nice to have a back and forth to give me another POV to consider. It would be very rude for them to interrupt because I'm taking too long to express a thought or feeling.
By interrupt, I don't mean interjecting a thought or asking a probing question. That's fine and even expected. I'm talking about taking over the conversation as though they didn't realize you hadn't finished a thought (which they would know if they were paying one iota of attention) or even changing the subject to keep up a monologue.
I dont think its an age thing. I know people of all ages that people just flock to, and others of all ages that are lonely all the time. Its not an age issue.
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