Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 12-06-2016, 04:37 PM
 
7,898 posts, read 7,074,591 times
Reputation: 18586

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aredhel View Post
.... "legally required"????........
Legal is exactly my point. You cannot just decided what is best for someone else. They may for example just want to live and die at home rather than sit in a nursing home.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 12-06-2016, 07:59 PM
 
13,256 posts, read 8,336,284 times
Reputation: 31427
Quote:
Originally Posted by jrkliny View Post
Legal is exactly my point. You cannot just decided what is best for someone else. They may for example just want to live and die at home rather than sit in a nursing home.
I honored (to an extent) my mother's wishes. Minus the rehab and hospital debacle. It was her life wish to be at home. The stark reality is some family members are not emotionally, financially, or even skilled to tend to an infirmed. I recall my mom saying she loved all seven of us kids but no way were my brother's capable of being caregivers... she knew her boys well. So I stepped up to the plate.

The elders really do need to consider their options while coherent to have them honored.

Family first does include your parents...not just the kids or spouse. I've no doubt that this added priveldge to comfort a parent is not for the go getters.

My living will contains strict guidelines. And a " nursing home", or senior living is not to be a choice .
I've earned the right to be precise in how my golden years are spent.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-06-2016, 08:25 PM
 
Location: Sierra Nevada Land, CA
9,455 posts, read 12,472,553 times
Reputation: 16449
Seems the title of this thread should be how to make/force one's ageing parent...

I am "fortunate" in that my and Mrs5150's parents are dead. Mrs5150's dad was difficult to care for (he died five years ago). But we only moved him to an assisted living when it became clear he did not know what was going on at age 91. He was fine with that. He died a year later. Just kinda faded away.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-06-2016, 08:55 PM
 
4,521 posts, read 3,713,997 times
Reputation: 17371
Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
I would agree with the bolded as a generalized principle, but not as a statement with universal application. If we imagine one of our parents living alone who becomes unable to prepare food reliably and who refuses help such as meals on wheels, then we have a parent whose nutritional needs are not being met. They would be living in filth also if they are unable to keep their place clean. Would you really be able to say to yourself, "Oh well, mom is stubborn and doesn't want to make any changes, so let her gradually waste away from not eating as it will mercifully shorten her life in all probability"? Wouldn't that be pretty hard-hearted?


It would be hard for me to stand by and watch, even from a distance of 2,000 miles, my own mother go through that. And I was not even very close to her emotionally. That scenario is exactly what my sister and I faced. I had just requested a referral to an attorney to inform myself about court-appointed guardianship when my mother relented (without knowing what we were thinking) and moved into an independent living facility, which she actually ended up liking. Meals were provided in a dining hall and once-a-week maid service was also part of the rent.


It is easy to say, as a matter of principle, to respect everyone's autonomy and let them face the consequences of their own stubbornness, but in actual practice such an approach could be extraordinarily painful.
If my father hadn't died, an intervention was going to have to happen In the near future with his failing health and eyesight; for his safety and my mother's. The problem was his brain was as clear as ever and he was a very independent and private person, but his body was failing him. Getting into his business would have been painful for all. Prior recent attempts and suggestions were immediately rejected, rebuffed and not appreciated. And that's putting it mildly.

We did not have to make the hard decision for Dad and I am so thankful and grateful for that. The end of his life was on his terms and he stayed independent to the end, cutting the grass a few weeks before he died. Mom's dementia had made her dependent on Dad for the past few years and transitioning from his care to ours was a natural progression. She has no problem with us making decisions for her; that is what she is used to, needs and wants. I'm grateful she accepts being in a CCCR facility now.

This time has been difficult enough for my siblings and me. I'm glad it happened as it did, we are lucky in that respect. I give credit to anyone that can make the hard decision of obtaining legal guarianship of their parents. They are doing the best for their parents and anyone else that could have been harmed by their impairments. That's true love and bravery..

Last edited by jean_ji; 12-06-2016 at 09:24 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-06-2016, 09:17 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,499 posts, read 53,793,424 times
Reputation: 47905
Quote:
Originally Posted by jean_ji View Post
If my father hadn't died, an intervention was going to have to happen at some point with his failing health and eyesight; for his safety and my mother's. The problem was his brain was as clear as ever and he was a very independent and private person, but his body was giving out. Getting into his business would have been painful for all. Prior attempts and suggestions were immediately rejected, rebuffed and not appreciated. And that's putting it mildly.

We did not have to make the hard decision for Dad and I am so thankful and grateful for that. The end of his life was on his terms and he stayed independent to the end, cutting the grass a few weeks before he died. Mom's dementia had made her dependent on Dad for the past few years and transitioning from his care to ours was a natural progression. She has no problem with us making decisions for her; that is what she is used to, needs and wants. I'm grateful she accepts being in a CCCR facility now.

This time has been difficult as it is for my siblings and me. I'm glad it happened as it did, we are lucky in that respect. I give credit to anyone that can make the hard decision of obtaining legal guarianship of their parents. They are doing what is not only best for their parents, but anyone else that could have been affected by their parents impairments. That's true love and bravery.
Thank you. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but in the end I know it was the right thing to do for everybody involved but especially for her. She was well cared for and safe in her assisted living facility. i put her where I could visit several times a week and made sure all her needs were met. She died there after 5 years and by the end she barely knew where she was. She had lived with me and my family for 10 years before that. When it got to the point I could no longer safely get in the shower with her and my teenagers were embarrassed to invite their friends over, I knew it was time.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-06-2016, 09:21 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,017 posts, read 20,835,434 times
Reputation: 32530
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
.......................

My living will contains strict guidelines. And a " nursing home", or senior living is not to be a choice .
I've earned the right to be precise in how my golden years are spent.

I don't want ever to be in nursing home either. That is totally understandable. But having eliminated what is not to be a "choice", what remains? Do you mean that you expect your children to step up to the plate, or do you mean that you have the financial resources to fund your own care at home, or do you mean that you have worked out a final exit strategy? For your children's sake I sure hope it's not the first option.


Very few if any of us have "earned the right" to script the lives of our adult children like that.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-06-2016, 09:28 PM
 
4,521 posts, read 3,713,997 times
Reputation: 17371
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
Thank you. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but in the end I know it was the right thing to do for everybody involved but especially for her. She was well cared for and safe in her assisted living facility. i put her where I could visit several times a week and made sure all her needs were met. She died there after 5 years and by the end she barely knew where she was. She had lived with me and my family for 10 years before that. When it got to the point I could no longer safely get in the shower with her and my teenagers were embarrassed to invite their friends over, I knew it was time.
You're truly welcome. Hard times for all involved without being judged on difficult decisions. We do the best we can with what we have.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-06-2016, 09:39 PM
 
7,898 posts, read 7,074,591 times
Reputation: 18586
Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
..

Very few if any of us have "earned the right" to script the lives of our adult children like that.
I would say none of us have earned that. I would also say none of us should be that selfish.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-06-2016, 10:03 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,499 posts, read 53,793,424 times
Reputation: 47905
Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
I don't want ever to be in nursing home either. That is totally understandable. But having eliminated what is not to be a "choice", what remains? Do you mean that you expect your children to step up to the plate, or do you mean that you have the financial resources to fund your own care at home, or do you mean that you have worked out a final exit strategy? For your children's sake I sure hope it's not the first option.


Very few if any of us have "earned the right" to script the lives of our adult children like that.
I agree. It is totally selfish and immature to insist on having your own way if it means inconvenience and hardship for your family. Our kids have "the right" to raise their families and/or enjoy their retirement without the burden of putting their lives on hold to take care of a stubborn and willful parent. And even if money is no object, somebody has to be around to make sure it isn't stolen, misappropriated or squandered if the old person shows signs of doing so.

My mother was rich. But I started noticing some very scary signs that she might not stay that way for very long and the financial responsibility would fall on me and my husband. She bought a very expensive home security system from door to door salesmen and signed a stupid contract. The worst part was she never used it because it was too complicated for her to remember any code but she said she felt better knowing it was there. Trying to explain to her that it was worthless without being operational went right over her.

She got a letter from an old friend saying she sure would like to visit some time. Mother immediately hired a contractor to enclose her screened in porch for this guest even though she had a perfectly fine guest room. And of course this friend never came for a visit. Nobody else did either.

She decided she needed a Rascal battery operated scooter. She ordered it and then realized she couldn't get it in her car so she went out and bought the car with the biggest trunk and had a hydraulic lift installed. It was a Lincoln Towncar and she withdrew more than 30K cash to take to the dealership with her. She did this because the salesman asked her if she wanted financing or if she would be paying cash. She said "cash" and figured that meant cash literally. She never used that Rascal, never got it in her car and drove that car for less than 4 months because it was too big. However when she wanted to go anywhere my husband was the one who had to wrestle the Rascal into the trunk, wrestle it out and accompany her shopping. She expected all of us to drop everything to accommodate her.

At every one of these events I tried to explain to her before she did it that it was not necessary but she insisted she was "just fine" and to leave her alone. One day I went to her house and she met me at the door with a stack of bills. She told me she just couldn't figure it out and would I help her.(I knew it had to be bad for her to admit she needed help.) I discovered she was just days from having all her utilities turned off for lack of payment yet she had over $45,000 in her checking account. She had a CD come due and just deposited the proceeds because she didn't know what to do with it. It was shortly after that that my husband and I invited her to come live with us where she stayed very comfortably for more than 10 years. I feel I got to her barely in the nick of time.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-07-2016, 04:32 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,017 posts, read 20,835,434 times
Reputation: 32530
Good point in post #29 about aging parents being taken advantage of by con artists. That's another situation where it would be impossible for most of us to stand by and do nothing under the premise of "respecting the parent's autonomy". If they are being taken advantage of by con artists, then they really don't have any meaningful autonomy left anyway.


And no, I am not talking about trying to protect an inheritance. I didn't give a hoot about receiving an inheritance from my mother, as I was O.K. financially. But it would have made me furious to think some con artist was pocketing her money. Fortunately my sister and I didn't have to face that problem because my mother's paranoia and extreme sense of privacy shielded her from that.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top