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I would bet $ on it that if the Mom DID try to call the daughter it would go voice mail.
Yes, you nailed it there. I've tried to call and it just goes to voicemail.
So much emotion in this thread.
I completely understand the idea that I must have done something to cause my daughter to never want to speak to me again. That would be logical.
But, the point of course, was the pain that I was feeling over being ostracized. Whether or not someone would determine that I deserved it, I'm in pain nonetheless.
But, whatever I did, if I did anything, to deserve being ostracized, three years worth of groveling to put things to right, is enough time.
I wish her well. I've let her know I'm here if she wants to communicate. But, I need to scrape my dignity off the floor and move on.
Thank you to the kind posters who shared their heart-felt stories. It meant a lot to me, and I know it took a lot out of you to share them.
I left her completely alone and did not try to reach out to her at all. (This was not a "plan", though -- at that point, I thought I never wanted to see her again, either!) But, although I would not call her, I did accept her calls (once a month like clockwork), so that I never rejected her, and I also never expected anything from her. When she called, it was like getting a call from a third cousin who lived out of state and who I was completely indifferent about -- I was nice and polite, but not at all "gushy". If she ended with "Bye", I said, "Bye." If she ended with, "I love you", then I said, "I love you." I let her lead.
NoMoreSnow - Holidays are so darn difficult and I have been trying to communicate with my daughter endlessly. Well, tonight she sent me a text- a very vile text that I will not respond to. I keep reaching out and letting her know I am here and sad that it's the holidays and we are distant.
I am going to quit reaching out for time being - no one deserves to be treated so harshly especially when all they have tried to do is keep the lines of communication open. Her text was just rotten.
Snow, feel free to contact me here. And to any others who are dealing with tough times right now with adult children. I am very open and certainly not perfect but I am a good listener and have been through an awful lot. Tap into me at any time. :-)
Yes, you nailed it there. I've tried to call and it just goes to voicemail.
So much emotion in this thread.
I completely understand the idea that I must have done something to cause my daughter to never want to speak to me again. That would be logical.
But, the point of course, was the pain that I was feeling over being ostracized. Whether or not someone would determine that I deserved it, I'm in pain nonetheless.
But, whatever I did, if I did anything, to deserve being ostracized, three years worth of groveling to put things to right, is enough time.
I wish her well. I've let her know I'm here if she wants to communicate. But, I need to scrape my dignity off the floor and move on.
Thank you to the kind posters who shared their heart-felt stories. It meant a lot to me, and I know it took a lot out of you to share them.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I hope that you find peace. I agree with you that you have spent enough time groveling.
NoMoreSnow - Holidays are so darn difficult and I have been trying to communicate with my daughter endlessly. Well, tonight she sent me a text- a very vile text that I will not respond to. I keep reaching out and letting her know I am here and sad that it's the holidays and we are distant.
I am going to quit reaching out for time being - no one deserves to be treated so harshly especially when all they have tried to do is keep the lines of communication open. Her text was just rotten.
Snow, feel free to contact me here. And to any others who are dealing with tough times right now with adult children. I am very open and certainly not perfect but I am a good listener and have been through an awful lot. Tap into me at any time. :-)
Thank you so much for sharing. I know it's painful. I'm so sorry your daughter sent you a mean text. My daughter is now just mean in her silence. Outright hostility must be just unbearable.
I get this on some Yoda level, but at this point I feel like I'm being led by a ring in my nose.
I had a counselor once tell me that however I behave or whatever I put up with - that I'm teaching my daughter that is what she should do when she grows into a woman.
In other words, if I let a man abuse me (for instance), and I put up with that, that I am teaching my daughter that she should do the same.
So, am I now teaching my daughter that a mother should allow her children to treat her like dirt, simply because she is their mother?
I get this on some Yoda level, but at this point I feel like I'm being led by a ring in my nose.
I had a counselor once tell me that however I behave or whatever I put up with - that I'm teaching my daughter that is what she should do when she grows into a woman.
In other words, if I let a man abuse me (for instance), and I put up with that, that I am teaching my daughter that she should do the same.
So, am I now teaching my daughter that a mother should allow her children to treat her like dirt, simply because she is their mother?
Or do I teach her that everyone deserves dignity?
Your daughter is a woman now and you're not really teaching her anything so I don't think you should even worry about it. It's hard but you have to create your own sense of dignity. Your feeling of dignity is independent of how she treats you. Whatever happened, distance yourself. Send a card a for Christmas and her birthday. Don't expect anything, don't do anything else. That is not undignified. It is simply the act of being open. Being open in a dignified way. If you are expecting something back, that is groveling and the act becomes undignified. Even if it was 100% her fault, you need to somehow set it aside, send a casual card, and forget about it. Two dignified cards per year and then hands off. You ARE dignified and she cannot take that away from you.
This is a very sad thread at this time of the year, but actually it's about real life and real families. It shows how humans are not perfect, and have very different personalities. For all the people that have these distressing family problems, I hope you have a happy new year, and can find friendships with other people that care about you. Many people "do care," because you have had a lot of response to your initial post. Thinking of you.
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