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Just wondering if anybody has ever discussed or considered seeing a counselor or mediator to try and mend fences? I know someone who has broken off contact is likely beyond being willing to do this. Not a magic bullet to solve all problems. But a good, professional third party could possibly help in some situations. I realize, with many people, this would just be a further emotional land mine. Has anybody had success with this or known anyone who has?
A friend of mine is a mediator for divorce settlements. While really hostile divorces are almost always going to go to court, if it's just "bad fit," something amenable to both parties can often be worked out.
With some other family estrangement, I have no idea. I think they'd be playing more psychiatrist than someone just trying to hash out a bargain.
Thank you for posting this NMSFM. As sad as it is,I cannot tell you how relieved I am that I am not the only parent on this planet that is dealing with this. I have three grown children who want nothing to do with me as well.
Like you,I have begged,apologized for things I didn't do,and grovelled in order to get them to come around at least for Christmas. All to no avail. I have 5-7(I honestly don't know how many)grandchildren that I never get to enjoy. Up until just a few years ago my wife(step mom to them) would dutifully go out and buy them toys for Christmas,only to have them remain unopened on Christmas. After a few years of that humiliation I decided enough was enough and we stopped buying for them.
I sent my son a Merry Christmas email this year and got no response once again. I have decided that as they have obviously moved on from me,to keep from falling into a pit of depression at this time of the year I will not try to contact them again. I have to do what I have to do to,simple as that.
In all honesty I consider this the great failure of my life,yet I know that I cannot make someone love me,even if they are my own flesh and blood. I would not wish this on anyone else because it has caused me untold grief and heart break.
My advice to you OP is this: if you've done all you can do and then some,it's time to hold your head up and start living for YOU. Sometimes that means you must leave others behind,as sad and as difficult as that may be.
Ron, this is really heartbreaking. I have never seen such a sad thread on this forum...
Did you have problems while they were children? All three of your kids turning away from you without explanation?
I can not imagine the pain of what you are going through.
Have a girlfriend that children will not have anything to do with her. She has bad mood swings because of her Bi-polar mental problems when she didn't take her medicine. She cries everyday during the holidays wishing she could turn back time and change thinks but of course she cann't.
A sibling has been estranged from our family for 40+ years and at this point I'm done with that. I've moved on. I feel that a relationship takes two people to work and I've done all the work for 40+ years and I'm not willing to do it anymore.
I spent a lot of emotional energy trying to smooth her ruffled feathers through the years... "you poor thing, poor dear, no one understands you!" Tried to smooth the way with my parents to bring her back into the family unit but it was all for nil. She didn't want to do any work on herself and her own issues, such as seeing a therapist about her psychological issues. She had ripped my parents' hearts out and had totally damaged our family with her lies. I gave her the benefit of the doubt that maybe there was a 5% chance that she was telling the truth but after all was said and done, all the kindness given to her, the time spent listening to her tell the same lies over and over again and totally shred 2 people who I dearly love--i couldn't take it anymore. She has turned on me like a viper again and again. No more.
I sincerely feel sad for the OP...I have to say, please consider that the other person needs to meet you halfway. If not, then I'm not sure it's worthwhile to keep pursuing this.
I think part of the problem is that my daughter is the child of divorced parents. And that many children of divorced parents get spoiled by one or the other or both parents. That they grow up with an incorrect view of things. When parents are constantly trying to basically buy the child's loyalty by giving them things, etc., it skews the child's perception of ...how do I put it...give and take? Their true worth? That they are so important, that no matter their behavior, people will clamor for their attention and loyalty?
I don't know how to express it well in words, but people who have either had children they've fought over in divorce custody battles, or who have been such children, probably have a clue as to how those kids can be basically taught that they have a lot of power over their parents, at least. And that this "power" is not something earned or humble, etc.
And as far as what she did for me... we're talking about a 38 year old woman. Now, forgetting for a minute that this woman is my daughter... if I told you that a friend of mine didn't send me a X-mas card, nor called me or texted me or sent me a gift...would you think it was completely wonderful that ...after I texted her asking her if she got my gift to her...that she texted me back that, yeah, she got my gift and merry christmas....that that was someone who had behaved generously and deserved my continued showering of gifts and attention?
Seriously. Think about that. Would you be okay with that if she was a friend of yours? An equal?
If I told you this story as a friend about a friend who treated me this way, would you tell me that I should keep sending her gifts and cards, etc.?
I doubt it.
And would you also think that this person was seriously self-centered?
Well, that's the definition of narcissistic. Being self-centered. From my understanding. So, that's why I say my daughter is such.
No, that is the definition of narcissitic BEHAVIOR. Not true Narcissism. Anyway, why are you even placing a diagnosis on your daughter to begin with? Does that feel better? Relieve you of something?
My situation may be different in that it involves siblings, but I don't think graveling got me anywhere. I think it just made them feel more entitled than they did before. I think all relationships need mutual respect. It is one thing to apologize for a wrong, or even a perceived wrong, but when the other person doesn't meet you in the middle I think it becomes abusive to the person who apologized.
It seems like there is a group of people I would label lions, once they know you are weak from their perspective, they want to destroy you. I have had since childhood that feeling about my one brother. Interestingly when I have talked to my sister about that..she has felt that way about my other brother.
The only thing I think you did wrong in the incident that led to this estrangement was getting so angry at her that you told her off---I think you even wrote that you swore at her. While I could understand that you felt used and unappreciated (like your raison d'etre was just to serve her needs), your responsibility in this is that you either agreed to deal with the tenants when asked or you offered. So you did agree that you would do this. There didn't seem to be any discussion about when and how your daughter would take over this task. You both understood that it was going to be your job. But then when she wasn't more excited/appreciative about your successfully handling it, you blew up. Sure, it would have been nice for her to express appreciation (I would have taken my mom out for a meal or sent flowers!), but if she didn't, then all you should have done is maybe not be so quick to jump at helping her the next time.
So the question is why you did blow up. If this was just an isolated incident of taking you for granted and using you, then you need to do some soul searching as to why your fuse was so short. If it is part of an established pattern (which I suspect it may be), then why would you have expected this time to be any different? If you resent her using you and not appreciating you, then you have set to some boundaries so it doesn't keep happening.
I don't think gifts are the way to re-establish your relationship. Did you apologize to her after the incident from blowing up, swearing, and telling her how self-centered she is? If not, then that would be the way to start.
As someone who grew up with an abusive father, this post is right on. He was physically abusive to my mother and brother, and verbally abusive to everyone. I didn't speak to my father for years, and the rest of the family didn't even try to change my mind. During that time, he sent both nasty harassing letters and cajoling letters. My siblings have also cut contact with him off and on though the years. We had to do this to maintain our own sanity and sense of self-worth.
We have recently reconnected. He got very very sick and something about experiencing his mortality made him realize that he'd been a very bad father and husband. He admitted all of that, and said he was wrong to do the things he did. He couldn't stop crying, which I'd never witnessed before.
He tried to send presents over the years, and I would not accept them. I wanted an apology and a reason to think he would change. I wasn't going to open the door to more verbal abuse.
I didn't have much hope that he would change, since he'd been that way his whole life. It has been a real surprise to have him see the truth of his behavior, and even now I sometimes worry that it won't last. I wish I didn't have to feel that way
As soon as I saw that the OP called her daughter "narcissistic", I sensed the underlying venom in her. I have to wonder if there is a pattern of her lashing out and swearing at her daughter, and maybe the daughter had enough. The OP says she was managing her daughter's rentals, but turns around and gets resentful that the daughter wasn't talking to the renters herself and/or congratulating her for doing her job. If the OP agreed to manage them, then it's her job. Why be so passive/aggressive?
For those of you who have children who are addicted to drugs/alcohol or who have mental health problems, I can understand your pain. But when a parent has normally functioning children who don't want contact, they need to take a long look in the mirror before blaming their child. I don't think most of us who choose to cut ties do it lightly. We think long and hard about it.
Last edited by Shooting Stars; 12-27-2016 at 07:58 AM..
So you have a very clear idea why your son is estranged. You could send an apology (even if you think you have nothing to apologize for)... just to say: I'm sorry you feel so bad about xyz. I never meant to hurt you.
Don't get into the details. Just include the "sorry" and "never meant to hurt you." See where that takes the conversation.
That has been done many, many times. He monitors my Facebook timeline for anything he can use against me in any way. All very hurtful. I love him unconditionally but apparently he prefers to be remote.
I went through the divorce from hell. The mother did everything possible to alienate and use the children against me.
Two of the three have come back into the fold, but the third is still out there, hostile, angry, hating me.
My comfort comes from having done the right thing. Reaching out to her early on, and getting rejected. Then making sure I remembered birthdays, holidays, and just a call or a note to her to let her know I am thinking of her.
I do it for MYSELF. For my own joy and pleasure. If she comes back to me, fine, and if she never does, I can't help that and will not spend my time being troubled by it. Sure it hurts, but it is on her. I have done the reasonable and correct things, and will not go begging.
In my heart I have reached out to her and done things which bring joy to me: a pleasant note, an nice card, a chatty phone call. They bring me joy.
Whether they do anything for her is not for me to say, nor worry about.
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