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My son is thinking of switching his over the road trucking job to a local job so he can finish is degree. We have a guest room and he might stay with us.
He is self-supporting and would only stay long enough to find his own place.
Tell her No. She should rent a room from her brother and help him, and herself that way. Do not let her move back home....She is not destitute....she just wants to mooch. Ridiculous imo
I stayed at home through most of college, save for some time I was in relationships. Moved out afterward, then moved from VA to IA for a job. Stayed in Iowa for a year, didn't like it, came back home for about a year. Goal was to come back here for a few months and go to Nashville/Charlotte/SC, but that didn't happen. Lost my butt financially back here, then got a job in and moved to Indiana, stayed there three years, then was about to lose my job, got a job back here paying what I made in IN (was making just under $11/hr in 2013, now up to nearly $30/hr). Staying with parents now as company may be going through a merger. I could probably pay up to $1,000/month in rent/mortgage, but given this area's bad economy, I don't feel comfortable buying property (if something happens to this job, no way I can make close to what I do now and will have to move again) or even signing a rental lease. Rent is very high around here compared to what you can own for, so feels like a waste of money to rent. If we merge and I make it through the merger, then I might buy something, but at the end of the day, I don't even really want to live in this area permanently. I make about 75% more than what my mom does, and a little more than a third more than my dad.
For us, it works pretty well, but it's not permanent. I do virtually all the laundry, most of the cleaning, pay a third of mortgage/utilities (about $300/month), as well as most of the bulk household items and some of the groceries (most stuff comes from Costco 100 miles away where it's cheaper - they rarely leave town). Gave dad $400 for tires a few months back. I bought flooring for a basement project, which was about $300. They used my rent money to pay off one car ahead of schedule - other will be paid off in a couple of months. I've paid off all credit cards (about $12,000 at their peak) since I moved back in August (though about half that came from a life insurance policy grandmother had on me and cashed in) and hope to have my car paid off by the end of this year to early spring next year at the latest. I've freed up about $300/month in cash flow just from the CCs being gone and about $800-$1000/month in the difference and utilities from IN.
I'm hoping to use this moving back home opportunity as a springboard to get to Nashville, Charlotte, Greenville, Knoxville, or Florida - somewhere where there is a better dating scene and more going on. Where we're at is an hour and a half from any other metro. The population skews older, there is no dating scene, there is little to do outside of outdoor recreation (December-March suck weatherwise), the economy has been weak for years, etc. I'll be 31 next month - not getting any younger and want the next move to be my last for awhile, and to actually be able to move to where I want to live, not just chasing jobs in the Midwest.
They'll both be 60 this year. Mom is not in good health and will probably retire at 62 and take SS. Dad may work a few more years beyond that. The goal is to help them get the house fixed up (both $$ and as a motivator) so it will sell (septic smells coming up through basement plumbing, black mold, electrical issues - no one will buy a place that smells like a sewer), get them into something smaller, easier to take care of, and better condition, and me move off elsewhere.
The OP didn't say she was dying. She was conflicted about allowing her 27-year old daughter move back in at that age.
The parents are likely in their 50's and may not want to resume raising a child. I have seen this situation a lot lately, and unless there is a time limit on the arrangement, it could delay the healthy motivation of the daughter to survive on her own.
The OP seems to not have financial issues, but many parents have had their fragile retirement plans destroyed by having to continue supporting children well past their maturity date.
The solution is as varied as the players.
Some of this is cultural, as I'm from an area where family ties run strong and deep and relatively few people move off elsewhere, but someone who moved overseas with no help does not need to be "raised."
I've moved twice across the country and back again, once with no family help at all (literally loaded a car up and went from southwest Virginia to Iowa) and once with help loading/unloading a moving truck, with no financial help either time. Moving away to where you have no family or social connections is one of the most difficult things you can ever do. I moved from TN/VA to IN/IA - moving overseas would be far more difficult, culturally as well as the practicality of it all. From having to worry about what happens if you are sick or injured to simply not having an extra set of hands to carry a bulky item, there are many instances where having someone around helps. I worked with some Indian guys over here on visas in Indiana, and we'd help each other move stuf, get furniture, rent trucks, etc. - one of the ways we got by.
Recent economic realities have altered the course for millions. life is supposed to be about the pursuit of individual goals but often we need help getting there, parents have had that helper role for ages, whether they do it right or not. Doing it right in my view includes a real heart to heart conversation about roles and responsibilities, expectations, and consequences. All too often the youth are aiming to improve their situation while allowing others to pick up the tab. Set time limits on any housing assistance and make sure your kids understand the importance of meeting your expectations within the framework of agreements.
All this does is prolong her dependence on her parents. She is an adult and has been one for quite some time. I don't agree with all the infantilizing of adults that goes on today. By 27, I had been living on my own, supporting myself, since age 18, served in the military, been honorably discharged, got married, had a good job, and bought a home. I bet most people on this forum can say the same or similar. If she was in a financial crisis, going through a divorce, or had children that she needed help with, I might say "go ahead and let her move home", but she sounds capable of taking care of herself.
Last edited by TheShadow; 03-14-2017 at 08:49 AM..
I'd let her come back if she's just trying to get on better financial footing. The key is that she's doing it out of prudence and not some fear of growing up.
I am curious why a educated young lady is struggling to find someone. Does she have a "type" that's hard to find?
My husband and I are semi-retired and our daughter is 27 years old, the youngest of 3 (2 older brothers). She graduated from college, spent a year in London to finish her Master's degree and now has a great job. Currently, she's living with our middle son (an engineer) in a rented townhouse just 20 minutes away. They've always been very close, so this has been a good living arrangement for the past year, but when the lease is up, my son wants to purchase a place of his own. He is offering his sister a room when he gets his new place, but she's thinking about moving back home instead. She'd like to save money for a condo and start to pay down her student loan debt from her graduate work. We have a large home and there's plenty of room and we all get along, but we are feeling it's a step back as far as her independence is concerned. Her friends have all moved away and she's having a tough time meeting new people. She'd like to meet a nice guy, but her experience with online dating has been disappointing. Our fear is if she retreats back home, she'll start settling in. My husband and I would like to see our kids launched into the world before we depart (hopefully decades away!) and we don't know what's the best thing to do. Should we say yes to our daughter moving home again, or encourage her to get her own place?
I always tell my kids that you sometimes have to take a step back to take two steps forward. I returned home for a year after being out on my own for several years. My first job was in another state and when I got a job closer to home it made sense to live at home a bit to save some money. It sounds like this is what your daughter wants to do.
Our house is always open to our children no matter what but I would not tolerate a child that did not work or live by our rules (which are not all that strict). I would let her move home and if you want charge her rent I would then take the rent and keep an account for her with the money so when she does eventually buy a place, she has some extra money. This is what my parents did with my sister and it worked fine. Jay
we are feeling it's a step back as far as her independence is concerned
...
encourage her to get her own place?
What independence? She's never lived on her own.
Yes, it's time for her to get her own place.
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