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When something has become a major trend, it's time to stop blaming the individual and look at the situation out there. The job situation is not the same as in the parent's day, and the college debt is far more crippling than in the parent's day.
Your daughter does not remotely sound like a failure to me.
The OP didn't say she was dying. She was conflicted about allowing her 27-year old daughter move back in at that age. The parents are likely in their 50's and may not want to resume raising a child. I have seen this situation a lot lately, and unless there is a time limit on the arrangement, it could delay the healthy motivation of the daughter to survive on her own.
The OP seems to not have financial issues, but many parents have had their fragile retirement plans destroyed by having to continue supporting children well past their maturity date.
The solution is as varied as the players.
They probably are in their 50s, and someday they will be in their 70s and maybe their 80s, and guess what?
They may need to move in with an adult child. Ever think of that? That someday the shoe could be on the other foot?
"Well let's see mom and dad, back when I was 27 you didn't want me living with you, well at 48 now I really don't want you moving in with me, it would impact my lifestyle too much you see".
Where do you get raising a child again? The daughter is 27, and she's not bringing along a 4 year old she had from some relationship. The daughter should be responsible for her own laundry, food(or chip in for food), and pay rent.
Sounds like despite having a good job the daughter has a lot of debt. I mean you don't have to go to London to get your Master's Degree. Perhaps the OP and her husband never talked much about personal finances and responsibility. Because it sounds more like the daughter is scraping by even living with the brother.
Give her some time to get her finances in better order.
True, according to obama, she was still a child one yr ago at age 26!
The housing costs are so high in Denver, making it a big challenge even for people with good incomes. Helping out just feels right to me and I love having her at home.
Expensive to live in Denver? Wait till she gets to CA! If you love having her around, reduce the rent to paying 100% of utilities (keeps the shower short, thermostat low)
In most cases she will be fine. I would not be concerned about her social life, but I would advise she find ways to meet people apart from On-line dating
How about joining some civic groups / volunteering / adult education / interest groups and finding a lot of like minded friends? Providing a chance to observe behaviors and start a relationship AFTER knowing the 'true colors, priorities, and intent', rather than being in a situation that encourages 'masked' / acceptance behaviors.
Colorado if full of great groups to join. I found my mate and many other capable ones during my 30 yrs there. (no dating require or desired) Lots of hiking, volleyball, tennis, gardening, photo clubs, camping, mtn climbing, skiing, biking, church, youth camps (as staff), conservation projects, National Park volunteer, 4-H, library or reading clubs, cooking clubs, youth mentorship, public school volunteer. Guiding her in this way could prove to be VERY valuable lesson, supply her a LIFETIME of care, service, and great relationship building. (Far more important than providing the 'roof'), that is temporary,,, relationships are forever, and bad ones... longer than that!
Exactly! All great points! I've suggested the same ones and she does volunteer now with a community group. I feel the same way about online dating. I think the way we did it way back when--meeting people through shared interests or at school--is the best way to go. I also met my spouse in Colorado
Your bolded point is an important one and I agree 100%. Thank you for reminding me. That says it all.
It sounds like she's been a great daughter she needs a little help now and has turned to you. Just reassure you husband that you will continue to give him attention and point out the positives of having her there, my son lives with me and has been extremely helpful in mowing the grass, moving heavy things etc. I also value the adult relationship we have created, he will move out soon but I'm glad for this experience. 27 is still very young, she will find her way but if you refuse to help her now it could create problems in your relationship, think about the consequences before you make your decision.
Your daughter has already lived away from home, and done it successfully.
This is not a step backward for her. It can be a huge step forward if you help her out.
Just set some ground rules and goals.
Short story:
I had a friend who got married in her mid-20s. Her husband did not keep up his end of the relationship (drugs, couldn't hold a job), and then my friend got pregnant. She was just starting out as a teacher, and couldn't afford to live on her own. She was very close with her family. They moved her back home, they helped her raise her daughter, she divorced her husband, she got her masters degree in education, and was able to save some money for her own house. It would have been darned near impossible for her to do that without her parents' help.
This perspective is what I needed to hear. I didn't express myself as well when I was trying to say what you just did. I want to support my daughter in the right way and I wasn't sure having her move back home was the right way. In my heart, it's what I wanted to do. But, I see the long view and what a big boost this can be for her future. THANK YOU.
My husband and I are semi-retired and our daughter is 27 years old, the youngest of 3 (2 older brothers). She graduated from college, spent a year in London to finish her Master's degree and now has a great job. Currently, she's living with our middle son (an engineer) in a rented townhouse just 20 minutes away. They've always been very close, so this has been a good living arrangement for the past year, but when the lease is up, my son wants to purchase a place of his own. He is offering his sister a room when he gets his new place, but she's thinking about moving back home instead. She'd like to save money for a condo and start to pay down her student loan debt from her graduate work. We have a large home and there's plenty of room and we all get along, but we are feeling it's a step back as far as her independence is concerned. Her friends have all moved away and she's having a tough time meeting new people. She'd like to meet a nice guy, but her experience with online dating has been disappointing. Our fear is if she retreats back home, she'll start settling in. My husband and I would like to see our kids launched into the world before we depart (hopefully decades away!) and we don't know what's the best thing to do. Should we say yes to our daughter moving home again, or encourage her to get her own place?
She is only 27 and already recognizes the advantages of being debt free. That is something to be encouraged.
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