Adult children in crisis - did they alter your retirement plans?

[MaryleeII]

When graduated MSU, I developed a nasty case of rheumatoid arthritis. I fully expected to live on my own, with my career, etc. I tried as much as I could, but the RA literally crippled me. I moved back in with my parents, what else could I have done? As the years went by, the RA got better, then worse, then better.....then finally it stabilized to the point I could go back to work and live on my own. I worked part of that time, and collected short-term disability part of that time. I saved 80% of my income while living with my parents. When the opportunity came along to move and my health stabilized, I had more than enough to go my own way.


Now we are looking at retirement. Although my two adult kids are in fine health, life has taught me you never know what could happen. We are still looking at purchasing a home big enough for us all, in case a problem arises, they would have a safe harbor, rather than purchase an age-restricted community.....its a tough world, families need to stick together!

[Serious Conversation]

I saw the grandparents at the YMCA last night. Whatever she said over the weekend seemed out of date.

Apparently the male cousin got a certification in something related to concrete work that he started awhile back and recently completed, and has accepted a job in Nashville. He's in Dallas this week for some kind of training, and will likely move to Nashville in the next month or so. His last job was as a specimen accessioner. Grandparents said it wasn't great money, but better than what he could do here, and with all the construction boom going on in Nashville, he'll probably make more quickly. No idea if the wife and kid are going yet, but I am assume they will follow along shortly.

Female cousin and partner don't seem to be doing so well. Grandparents said she has been extremely depressed and hasn't had much luck finding anything. Cousin and partner have been fighting, and she moved out. Uncle and aunt have been keeping her up. Apparently the other uncle's business isn't doing so well either and work is slowing down.

Originally Posted by Escort Rider

You two posters have provided such a valuable window on an alternative universe, a different world view, which I find fascinating and frightening at the same time. It is frightening and tragic in its stubborn insularity, inertia, narrow-mindedness, and enforced mediocrity.

I am reminded of a scene in Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's "Terre des Hommes" ("Wind, Sand and Stars" is the title of the English translation). The writer is on a train and observes a poor family across from him. He comments that what bothers him most about these people is not their poverty per se and the suffering which derives from that poverty. What bothers him most is the thought that one of the children he observes might be a potential genius, a Mozart. But the Mozart would be unlikely to florish and thrive in that milieu. What bothers him most is "le Mozart assassiné" (Mozart assassinated). It has been many decades since I read that passage, but it has stuck with me through the many years as certain passages will sometimes do.

How much human potential has been "murdered" in stultifying environments in which not only is the potential not encouraged, but is actively opposed? It makes one shudder.

A person I went to high school with is, supposedly, a published author. She posted on Facebook this morning that she is opening her own publishing house in a few months. By all accounts, her Facebook "author" page has thousands of likes, she has two beautiful boys, and it looks like a perfect family with a wonderful career doing what she loves. Most people would love to be in her position...or so it seems.

She has an uncommon name and I googled her. That reveals the deception. The first thing you see, aside from her LinkedIn and Facebook pages, is a Go Fund Me page from last spring. She has severe scoliosis, apparently untreated from her childhood days, and has become increasingly disabled as a result of it. She posted she has "worked hard labor factory jobs and anything she can get totaling forty hours." Having the two children apparently worsened the scoliosis. The husband is working, but he is also working at a factory that is well-known for substandard wages and working conditions. She states she can't "take trips of more than twenty minutes in the car" and has applied for SSI. That wasn't approved at the time of the post.

The initial story was that they were in pre-foreclosure with "debt collectors calling daily." More updates trickled in over time. They ended up losing the house. Her portion of the medical bills was only about $3,500.

Maybe she really could start that publishing house in an alternate universe or have attended a school that would have allowed her to further develop her writing talent into gainful employment. However, the reality on the ground is that they're trying to get by on a combination of SSI, her freelancing, and his low wage factory work, with medical issues and disability piling up by the age of 30 to a tune worse than most 70 year olds.

Suppose that you're 65+ or so and that SHE is your daughter. What do you do to help?

[BLS2753]

Originally Posted by Escort Rider

You two posters have provided such a valuable window on an alternative universe, a different world view, which I find fascinating and frightening at the same time. It is frightening and tragic in its stubborn insularity, inertia, narrow-mindedness, and enforced mediocrity.

I am reminded of a scene in Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's "Terre des Hommes" ("Wind, Sand and Stars" is the title of the English translation). The writer is on a train and observes a poor family across from him. He comments that what bothers him most about these people is not their poverty per se and the suffering which derives from that poverty. What bothers him most is the thought that one of the children he observes might be a potential genius, a Mozart. But the Mozart would be unlikely to florish and thrive in that milieu. What bothers him most is "le Mozart assassiné" (Mozart assassinated). It has been many decades since I read that passage, but it has stuck with me through the many years as certain passages will sometimes do.

How much human potential has been "murdered" in stultifying environments in which not only is the potential not encouraged, but is actively opposed? It makes one shudder.

Escort, I'll give you another brief example. We just had a mayoral election here in my small town. I mentioned to a friend who lives here, how I found it interesting that a couple of the candidates listed in their resumes that they were "lifelong residents". I told my friend I thought that may be a liability, rather than an asset. My friend asked: "Why would you think that?"

[MaryleeII]

Originally Posted by Serious Conversation

I saw the grandparents at the YMCA last night. Whatever she said over the weekend seemed out of date.

Apparently the male cousin got a certification in something related to concrete work that he started awhile back and recently completed, and has accepted a job in Nashville. He's in Dallas this week for some kind of training, and will likely move to Nashville in the next month or so. His last job was as a specimen accessioner. Grandparents said it wasn't great money, but better than what he could do here, and with all the construction boom going on in Nashville, he'll probably make more quickly. No idea if the wife and kid are going yet, but I am assume they will follow along shortly.

Female cousin and partner don't seem to be doing so well. Grandparents said she has been extremely depressed and hasn't had much luck finding anything. Cousin and partner have been fighting, and she moved out. Uncle and aunt have been keeping her up. Apparently the other uncle's business isn't doing so well either and work is slowing down.



A person I went to high school with is, supposedly, a published author. She posted on Facebook this morning that she is opening her own publishing house in a few months. By all accounts, her Facebook "author" page has thousands of likes, she has two beautiful boys, and it looks like a perfect family with a wonderful career doing what she loves. Most people would love to be in her position...or so it seems.

She has an uncommon name and I googled her. That reveals the deception. The first thing you see, aside from her LinkedIn and Facebook pages, is a Go Fund Me page from last spring. She has severe scoliosis, apparently untreated from her childhood days, and has become increasingly disabled as a result of it. She posted she has "worked hard labor factory jobs and anything she can get totaling forty hours." Having the two children apparently worsened the scoliosis. The husband is working, but he is also working at a factory that is well-known for substandard wages and working conditions. She states she can't "take trips of more than twenty minutes in the car" and has applied for SSI. That wasn't approved at the time of the post.

The initial story was that they were in pre-foreclosure with "debt collectors calling daily." More updates trickled in over time. They ended up losing the house. Her portion of the medical bills was only about $3,500.

Maybe she really could start that publishing house in an alternate universe or have attended a school that would have allowed her to further develop her writing talent into gainful employment. However, the reality on the ground is that they're trying to get by on a combination of SSI, her freelancing, and his low wage factory work, with medical issues and disability piling up by the age of 30 to a tune worse than most 70 year olds.

Suppose that you're 65+ or so and that SHE is your daughter. What do you do to help?

Sounds like a version of my story! My family had a place for me in their home and their heart. I did work as much as I could during that difficult time, and managed to save a fair amount because my parents didn't charge me rent, and I didn't spend capriciously. However, my life have forever been compromised by my health, as I always looked at a job first for the medical benefits. Its an on-going battle.