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If we live long enough, we will all find ourselves in this position. I doubt nieces and nephews will be much help long term. They still have to make a living and take care of their own ageing parents and kids.
I would start by looking at assisted living places you can afford. Pick the best one you can and get yourself on the waiting list. Once you see how much space you will have, the next step is getting rid of all the 'stuff'. Do a little every day, 1 step at a time. If you need help you can hire someone. Just start and work on it some every day.
Once all the 'stuff' is gone, do any necessary repairs and put the house up for sale. Again, hire someone to help as necessary. Once the house sells, call a moving company and get yourself moved to the ALF. Once you get there, life will be much easier!
I'm impressed that the OP and husband can afford CCRC or assisted living dwellings.
So many people can not afford it.
Is that a given, OP?
Yes I think we will be able to afford it.
Thanks everyone who has offered suggestions.....really appreciate it.....I'll write more later bc only have a few minutes now.....just want to clarify that if we do move back up north, we have no plans to ask for neices and nephews to help us move.....they might if we asked, but we don't need their help thankfully and I wouldn't impose that on anyone else. I'm not sure why my post came across that way...
Not to worry, whitelotus. There are some families that don't have a sense of need to take care of each other, there are others who are stubbornly independent and think it's scandalous to ask for help and still other families for whom it is simply a given. We all come from different types of families.
The family I came from would have considered it a crime not to care for each other whether it was deserved or not. It's just the way we were all raised for generations.
I have two middle-aged children who assure me not to worry that they will take care of us when the time comes but I don't expect it for a minute even though they were raised with the same values. It was a total emotional struggle, I could see, for them to visit their very much loved grandparents once they were in decline in the care center. They just don't seem to be as emotionally tough as past generations.
And busy! Busy, busy, busy. (I do admit they both have two jobs but neither have spouses or children.) I do think it odd but they seem to be representative of the Generation X gang.
My last phone call from daughter was weeks ago. I laughed to DH and said, "We could both be lying here, having flown our bodies, for how long before someone would remember to check on us!"
And that actually happened to a different aunt with five grown children close enough who had a stroke on her front porch and was there for days before she was discovered. It's a changing world.
Edited to add: I'm just full of gloomy stories today. Guess right now I'm reminded of Bette Davis announcing that old age isn't for sissies. Fortunately by the time you get to be our age you are rarely a sissy anymore.
Suggestion: Stay where you are comfortable, continue to make friends where you are. Look into services that will benefit both you and your husband.
My own situation, husband had stage 4 cancer after 20 years being disabled; 2 sons lived out of state. First, he made funeral arrangements (Neptune Society), made sure I had a good used car (the current one was 17 years old) and I learned how to make coffee (He Brews !) and know to use the dishwasher-I cooked, he cleaned.
When folks asked "If there is anything I can do for you", swallow your pride and do tell them, within reason, what you would like for them to do. ESPECIALLY come for a Short visit.
After husband went to Heaven, folks asked me "Are you going to move?" What they were really asking "What are you going to do now?" After 41 years plus of marriage, being in and out of hospitals, doctor visits, enjoying my husband and a daily routine, honestly didn't know what I would do.
Have stayed in the same home we moved to 20 plus years ago, am able to maintain my home and discovered what I pay to maintain my home would almost be the same as if I moved to a mobile park for rent.
Please, I know you love your husband, though think of yourself, liking where you are; wouldn't think of a move as you have enough stress Trying to live, cope with your husband's medical condition.
Do have a POLST (Physician's Order for Life Sustaining Treatment) filled out by your doctor, for both of you, make sure will is in order, think what you would need to know from him if he were no longer with you. Most of all, enjoy each other, and do take care of yourself as well.
Thank you for Posting, the folks here are most helpful; believe and Grief Thread was began shortly after my husband moved to Heaven, a true help, comfort. In my prayers.
NO! Don't even consider staying in place! Go back home where you have relatives nearby. And get into assisted living immediately because once you or hubby become even a little "disabled", they won't take you into assisted living any more where if you're already there you can nearly always stay there even if you lose some capability.
That happened to my dad. Had he been in assisted living before his fall, he could have stayed there for a considerable time after it. But once he had the fall - no facility would put him in assisted living, only full-care where he would have had to share a room.
He was in one facility for a very short time where the rooms were formerly motel rooms - they stuck 2 people in each of these tiny rooms. His roomate there would run the TV full blast day and night. Staff claimed that they could not require him to use headphones nor to turn the TV off at a reasonable hour. They claimed he had a legal right to run the TV full blast 24/7. I do not for one second believe that - rooming houses, and hospitals for that matter, have enforceable rules about noise.
According to these clowns, my dad, on the other hand, had NO right to reasonable peace and regular sleep.
You need to be somewhere where relatives will be at hand to check on you regularly and help you with troublesome caregivers or problems with the facility. You never know what may come up after you move into a place that might require some outside assistance.
GO HOME. Don't get stuck out there alone and on your own. You might not need a lot of help right now, but sooner than you want, you will need it. Go where it will be easy for your family to help you.
Whitelotus: What did the MRI show? Is he having TIA's, which are truly mini strokes, or something more serious? What is the prognosis from your doctor? My Mom had TIA's for years, yet was able to remain in her two story house alone, with some help from neighbors and then a nursing agency, until the last two years of her life. I moved her then to my state, AZ and she resided in assisted living until she passed. She was 102.
You will need to gather all the information you can, including what help is available in both places, what your relatives think, what your doctor says, real estate conditions in both areas, reasonable assisted living in both areas, medical care available in both places, etc etc.
Only then will you be able to make your decision, since right now, you don't have enough information.
I'm really not even sure what I'm asking for in this thread but I will start by saying that two years ago my husband and I retired to a warm climate state which is about an 8 Hour drive away from my family of origin who lives north in a cold climate state. We haven't lived near siblings or nieces and nephews for over 20 years. My husband and I have no children.
A few months ago we learned that my husband had some mini strokes he began leaving water running so he had an MRI. My health is pretty good but we are both in our 70s and I'm starting to worry about living in an area with no close relatives nearby. Prior to coming here we'd been living overseas. We gave careful thought to where we wanted to retire and chose to do so in a warm place .....didn't want to have to deal with snow and ice. Well now that my husband has had the strokes, the reality of aging illnesses and dying has hit me ..... not that it hadn't before but seeing him go downhill has changed me. We live in a big house and a beautiful neighborhood and are slowly making friends here but soon we will have to sell the house and get into independent living where there is also assisted living options.
The dilemma we're facing is whether to do that here in the state where we have no family or move back up north where we have nieces and nephews who could help us if needed. I'm suddenly feeling very alone here I'm also worried that if something happens to me who will be able to help my husband?. I take care of all the finances ....he would have a very hard time managing that on his own. Honestly though the task of selling our house here and packing everything up is overwhelming..... we moved into this house less than 2 years ago... I really love it hate to leave it would actually prefer to stay in this house but friends have suggested to me that we probably should move into a place where there are assisted-living options asap ....that is while I am still healthy. And I do have days where I feel very homesick for family but it's odd because when we actually go up and visit .....after a few days I'm ready to come back. there is a lot of active addiction in my family and it's hard to be around that but there is one niece who I have a very special bond with.....
We are going up in a couple of weeks and will look at housing options there. Maybe that will help me decide. My husband actually prefers cold weather but would be just as happy to stay here. He doesn't share any of my concerns .....he doesn't like to talk or think about preparing for the inevitabilities of the future. I just feel so alone.
Anyone else out there facing something like this? What did you do ?
MMB, you are a recent, healthy retiree. You will start to understand in a few years.
I just realized something even more ridiculous about your post than what I commented on earlier. You're calling me a recent retiree when I've been retired longer than you have!
I'm used to you making condescending comments on this forum in thread after thread (after thread, after...), but usually your statements aren't quite so nonsensical. (Although some others have come close.)
Whitelotus, right now you are in a bit of panic mode. Take a deep breath and slow down. Lots of people in their 70's have TIA's (mini-strokes) and go on to have a long life. My MIL is an example she had a TIA 20 years ago and is still living. She only recently (2 years ago) needed to go into assisted living at 88 years old. Apparently she felt she would be the first to go, but Pop went first, (5 years after MIL's TIA) after a one year cancer struggle. Everyone is different, and life can throw you some crazy curves. Follow doctor's orders on his healthcare, and he may be around for a long time.
Yes you do need a plan for the future, but don't dive headfirst without taking time and thinking it through. Take this incident as a prompt to get your papers in order. Get your living wills and health care proxy stuff in order. Update your wills, insurance, beneficiaries on investments, and POA if necessary. Organize it all in a single binder/folder. Make sure you both are aware of all financial accounts, how to access them, and put as much stuff as possible on auto-pay so that it will make your financial issues as simple as possible for the surviving partner.
Go ahead and start looking into IL or AL, but don't jump into a plan without thoroughly checking it out. Make sure you understand the policies, especially around refunds of your deposit. You may decide later that buying in wasn't necessary after all, or if, heaven forbid, you lose your husband you may wish to move back near family after all.
Please take your time and think everything through. I don't think a knee-jerk reaction is in order here. I've never heard of an AL facility that won't take you if you are already sick. I mean what would be the point of that?? My MIL already had moderate dementia and she was accepted easily into the first place that she liked.
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